Advent thoughts 2016

You know how there's different things that stick out to you every time you go through an annual season?  This year, I've been thinking about Mary, and also about the physical reality of Jesus being a newborn baby.

Our culture glamorizes babies and expectant mothers (there are some BIG BIG exceptions to this, but i'm guessing for most readers of this blog, that's been your experience): there's gender reveal parties, baby showers, professional photo shoots for maternity and newborn pictures, and an endless stream of social media postings about pregnancy and babies (guilty as charged), mostly just showing the really beautiful parts of the whole experience.

It's such a blessing to have a baby.  But the whole thing - pregnancy, labor and delivery, caring for a newborn - is also very physically taxing, undignified, and sometimes unbelievably hard.  And that's in an era where we get to live in heated houses, sleep on Serta mattresses, get around in cars, use medicine to block pain during labor, and have all kinds of products to help keep baby comfortable and healthy.  We see and hear about the nativity scene so much that you forget the reality of it, but I can't imagine sleeping in a barn in the winter under any circumstances, let alone while giving birth.  I can't fathom walking and riding a donkey across the country when, towards the end of my pregnancies, it was too uncomfortable to take an hour's drive anywhere.  I would have freaked out if I ended up unexpectedly giving birth at home, and I can't imagine going door to door and hoping for some hospitality as the contractions were coming.  I felt a little squeamish that my newborn baby had to be subject to the germs in the hospital, and I can't imagine laying the baby down in straw that was recently rolled in by farm animals.

Add to all this the fact that Mary was a poor, unwed teenager.  She had a marriage and a life lined up, and this pregnancy potentially put all of that in jeopardy.  It sounded just as crazy then as it would now that she had an immaculate conception and was now carrying the Son of God.  Mary was the first one to believe that Jesus is the Son of God, when she had every reason to be scared to death, and she embraced her role.  It's amazing.

Then, there's the reality of what it's like to have a newborn.  Babies take the best pictures and they are super cuddly and they look cute in tutus and they have a wonderful smell.  Here are some other things that are true of newborn babies:    They operate entirely on reflex because they can't understand what's going on around them.  They are frequently spitting up and having explosive poops.  Their only means of communication are grunting and crying.  They can hardly see, can't hold up their own head, and are utterly dependent on their parents moment to moment for survival.  It is INCREDIBLE that the king of the universe subjected himself to this state, that this was part of the rescue plan for our broken world.

That's what I'm thinking about this Advent season.  How about you?

Day 30: Talent / Skill

Day 30:  What talent or skill do you have that you are grateful for?

I am grateful to have a law degree.  I'm grateful for the work I got to do before I started staying home with the kids.  I'm grateful for the employment I will be able to seek when I return to work.  I'm grateful to be able to earn a living doing something that I enjoy and find challenging (in a good way) and meaningful.  And for right now, while I'm out of the workforce, I'm grateful for the ways it helps me in every day life, especially for stuff with Joshua like dealing with health insurance companies, attending IEP meetings, applying for Medicaid waiver programs, and keeping track of paperwork.  There are plenty of parents who do an awesome job of these tasks without a law degree, but it gives a big confidence boost to have specialized training in gathering and presenting evidence, writing appeals, and finding and using the relevant rules to bolster your case.

Day 29: Friend / Family Member

Day 29:  What friend / family member are you most grateful for today?

I am grateful for my sister!  She was born just 17 months after me, so we share (almost) a lifetime of history.  So many memories...playing Narnia in the coat closet, doing workouts together, fighting over shared clothes in high school, inappropriately laughing during Christmas Eve church services, and the list could go on for pages.  During our years between high school and having kids, my sister would visit me everywhere I lived, often multiple times a year, even though I was a plane flight away.  We had kids at the same time, so we've been able to share the joys and struggles of parenting.  We have very similar faith beliefs, so we can share prayer requests and have conversations about faith.  We share an extended family, all our maternity and baby clothes, reading recommendations, and a similar sense of humor.  I am so, so grateful for my sister.

Day 28: Small thing part 2

Day 28:  What small thing that happened today are you most grateful for?

I am grateful for the 2 hour school snow delay, which meant that we all got to stay in our pajamas until 9 am on a weekday and have a cozy, snow-bound morning.  The weekday mornings tend to be rushed, getting lunch packed and clothes on and teeth brushed, and that is the opposite of our school-aged son's natural speed - he likes to take his time, observe everything that's going on around him, and most of all not be rushed out of a situation that he's enjoying.  So it's nice when the weather cooperates and we all get to have a relaxed morning at home.

Day 27: Small Thing

Day 27:  What small thing that you use daily are you grateful for?

I am grateful for my coffeemaker.  It's a beautiful thing that this small, simple kitchen appliance can, with the touch of a button, make my whole morning better.  It fills the kitchen with a pleasant smell, it provides a steaming hot beverage, and of course it makes sure all the adults get their caffeine fix.  I even like the sound of the water percolating.  Cheers to coffee!

Day 26: Form of expression

Day 26:  What form of expression are you most grateful for?

I am grateful for letters.  When your mailbox is often stuffed with junk mail, bills, and political ads, it's such a treat to receive a letter!  My Grandma Max is a champion letter writer.  From the age when I could start reading, she sent several letters per year (approximately once a month) asking how I was doing and telling me all about life in western Nebraska.  This adds up to hundreds of letters!  There's something so special about holding the paper in your hand and, if it's a card, putting it up on your mantle, rather than just hearing the ding of an email on your phone, and then quickly scanning and deleting it.  If a letter is really special, you can keep it forever.  Kenny and I wrote letters to each other when we were first dating and spent a summer living across the country from each other, and I still have those letters.  It's getting to be a lost art, but I am grateful for letters.

Day 25: Moment

Day 25:  What moment this week are you most grateful for?

I am grateful for Saturday morning dates with my husband.  Now that we live in Reno, we have a standing arrangement where the kids go to their grandparent's house on Saturday morning while Kenny and I get to have brunch and adult conversation.  One of our favorite places to go is the Truckee River Bar and Grill, where there is never a line, the food is always plentiful, and it feels like a local's secret.  I love to have this chance to spend time with Kenny, to eat a meal without interruptions, and to recharge my battery before picking up the kids.

Day 24: Challenge

Day 24:  What challenge are you grateful for?

I am grateful for the challenge of graduating law school without a job.  I was one of only a handful of my hundreds of classmates who didn't have a job lined up when we crossed the stage in May.  In some ways, this was expected - I was looking for a non-profit job, while most of my classmates were going to corporate law firms or judicial clerkships, and the hiring process for both of those jobs happens several months in advance, while non-profits tend to hire right when they need someone and have the funding.  However, it was disheartening and scary to have worked so hard and racked up a six figure student loan debt only to graduate without employment lined up.  I did what my classmates were doing that summer - I studied for and took the bar exam - and meanwhile, I continued to apply for legal jobs as they became available, and prayed hard.  When it got to August, I started looking for any kind of job that was available, including but not limited to driving an ice cream truck - anything to pay the bills until a real lawyer job presented itself.  In that last week of looking before I needed to start at any job that was available and would have me, my dream job became available.  I would get to work on causes I believed in, doing a variety of interesting work (class action litigation, policy research, and a smorgasboard of other things), with people who I respected, admired, and got along well with.  I couldn't have come up with a better fit if I got to write the job description myself.  If this job would have become available back in May, when I was graduating and so eager to have a job lined up, I (probably) couldn't have been hired because I wouldn't be available until after taking the bar exam in July.  If this job became available later, I likely would have already started somewhere else.  But as it turned out, the timing was perfect.  I'm grateful for this challenge because it was a growing opportunity:  a chance to trust God and see how the wait worked out for my good, to become more patient, and to learn not to care so much if my path looked different than other people's paths.

Day 23: Tradition

Day 23:  What tradition are you grateful for?

I'm grateful for a family tradition we have with the kids called "Party on the Elevator".  Every time we get on an elevator together, we sing a song with a techno beat and lyrics consisting entirely of "Party on the Elevator" and we all do our craziest dance moves.  This tradition started when we were doing our cross country drives (there were 7 during our time in Virginia) and staying at hotels along the way, all of which had elevators. The kids love it so much that now we do it at every elevator (which in Reno is mostly doctors offices, but also Scheels, the Discovery Museum, and Barnes and Noble).  I'm grateful for these traditions that bring our family closer together, add fun to our life, and will forever remind me of the kids being little and bursting with energy and enthusiasm during every elevator ride.

Day 22: Story

Day 22:  What story are you grateful for?

I am grateful for the story of the Prodigal Son.  (For those not familiar, here is the story as it appears in the Gospel of Luke.)  I've been memorizing a verse this month that names some of the Christian virtues - compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience - and these virtues help describe what makes this story so lovely.

• Compassion - the father has mercy on his son.  He can't stand to see him suffering and he wants to help him.
• Kindness - the father is warm and welcoming towards his returning son when he has every right to be angry and turn him away.  
• Humility -  This is true of both the father and the son.  It's not easy to come back to a situation that you gladly walked out of, admit that you were wrong, and be ready to apologize and be treated as foolish and lowly.  The son humbles himself in order to go back to his family.  Likewise, it's not easy to welcome someone back who has made it clear that they think they're better off without you, let alone to celebrate lavishly when that person returns - the father humbles himself to receive his son home.  
• Gentleness - The father could require an apology from his son, or require him to work off the squandered inheritance, or just generally be harsh towards him - instead, he is tender and loving towards his son.  
• Patience - The story doesn't say exactly how long the son was gone, but it was long enough for him to squander his inheritance and for a famine to develop - so it wasn't like the son changed his mind in a day or two.  The father waited for his son, knowing that he might never return, and not punishing him for the delay in returning to the family.  

I am so grateful for this story that illustrates the beautiful way that God treats us, and the beautiful way we should strive to treat each other.  

Day 21: Song

Day 21:  What song are you grateful for?

I am grateful for the song "Come Ye Disconsolate", the Indelible Grace version.  (Link to song above; full lyrics below.)  I listened to this song over and over when we first came home from the NICU with Joshua.  We would drive to and from appointments and I would play this in the car and try to rest in the fact that, whatever test or surgery or diagnosis might be coming down the pike, it would all be made right someday.

[This year, I also discovered that this song is Beth from "Little Women"'s favorite hymn, which is a bonus thing I'm grateful for.]

Lyrics:

1. Come, ye disconsolate, where'er ye languish, 
Come to the mercy seat, fervently kneel. 
Here bring your wounded hearts, here tell your anguish; 
Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal.

2. Joy of the desolate, light of the straying, 
Hope of the penitent, fadeless and pure! 
Here speaks the Comforter, tenderly saying, 
"Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot cure."

3. Here see the bread of life, see waters flowing 
Forth from the throne of God, pure from above. 
Come to the feast of love; come, ever knowing 
Earth has no sorrow but heaven can remove. 
Come, ye disconsolate, where'er ye languish.

Day 20: Who

Day 20:  Who in your life are you grateful for today?

I am grateful for friends here in Reno.  It can be really hard to make friends at this stage of life, with everyone extremely busy with their families and jobs and all the other things it takes to maintain life.  It's even harder when you move in as an outsider, and your family and school friends all live elsewhere.  And it's hard when you're a reserved person who doesn't have a special talent for small talk.  So considering all that - I feel so blessed to have a couple groups of friends in Reno who I get to see regularly.  One is a group from church, and the other is a group of former co-workers.  It makes such a difference to know that there are people who I can text anytime, who I will get to have adult conversation with at least once in a week, and who will share the ups and downs of life with me (and vice versa).  I'm so grateful for you, Reno friends!

Day 19: Touch

Day 19:  What touch are you grateful for today?

I am grateful for hugs from my family members.  From Ivy, her constant cuddles are the beginning of our relationship, and the sweetest part of her utter dependence on me.  From the two older kids, hugs are a choice to be kind towards me and a strengthening of the relationship we already have.  From Kenny, hugs are reassurance, strength, and companionship.  And all of the hugs show my family's love, which is the thing I am most grateful for.

Day 18: Art

Day 18:  What piece of art are you grateful for?

This is both funny and true.

This is the first one I've had to think really hard about what to choose.  I can think of hundreds of books and songs I'm grateful for (and those are certainly types of art, although other prompts in this 30 day series address those thing), but visual art is something that I'm not very well versed in.  And although the question doesn't specifically ask about visual art, that's how I took it on first reading, so that's where I,m going to go with it.  I'm grateful that really beautiful art exists, and I love pieces like Van Gogh's Starry Night or Monet's Water Lilies -- but if I'm being honest, they don't hold any special meaning for me.

What I really like, though it's about as low brow as it gets, is "art" with a sense of humor, like really funny memes.  I know that memes are not all good - sometimes they are overly mean, or dumb down a complicated conversation in an unhelpful way.  But I'm grateful for memes that make you literally laugh out loud, something we can all use more of in our life.

Day 17: Knowledge

Day 17:  What knowledge are you grateful for?

I am grateful for the experiential knowledge gained during my Americorps year working for a homeless prevention outreach program in Alamosa, CO.  My job was to meet with people who were near homelessness - facing an eviction notice, a foreclosure, or a utility shut-off that would cause homelessness - and to try to work out a plan that would keep them in their home.  I learned that there are tons of factors that can bring people to this point, ranging from systemic injustice to generational cycles of poverty to a bad economy to bad individual luck and/or choices.  I was privileged to hear people's stories, which almost always included some good times and some bad times.  I was blessed to grow up in a finacially secure home, so I knew very little about poverty other than what I had read in books or heard in academic conversations.  It's a whole different experience to actually talk to the people who are impacted - which is not at all the same as experiencing it yourself, but it does give you helpful knowledge as you try to understand and think of ways to help with poverty.  I'm grateful to the people who told me their stories, and to La Puente for bringing in Americorps volunteers and giving us an experience that certainly helps us as much as the people served.

Day 16: Body

Day 16:  What about your body are you grateful for?

I am grateful that my body has allowed me to have 3 healthy pregnancies and labor and deliveries.  It's a miraculous, remarkable, sometimes miserable but at the same time happy thing to have another person living inside your body.  Those moments where you get to hear your baby's heartbeat for the first time, see a picture of them by ultrasound, and feel (and eventually see) the baby kicking are unbelievably sweet.  And that moment where you first meet your newborn baby is like nothing else, it's one of the highlights of your whole life.  I'm so grateful that I got to participate in this process, and I'm grateful that my body (thanks to the grace of God) handled the process without too much difficulty or struggle.

Day 15: Season

Day 15:  What season are you grateful for?

I am grateful for the Advent season.  I wrote about this more at length a few years ago, and this year it seems relevant in light of current events.  It can be hard to get excited for holly jolly Christmas when it feels like things in the world are particularly crazy - with children's hospitals being bombed in Syria, with U.S. politics in a state of chaos, etc.  Our family has had a good year with the addition of a new baby and relative calm in the other parts of our life, but I know many others have experienced loss, hardship, and difficult transition.  Here is why the hard things make me grateful for Advent (quoted from my old blog, linked above):

 "The good news is:  sad feelings are kind of perfect for Advent.  I think those who are feeling sadness this time of year have a much better vantage point from which to understand and appreciate and deeply long for a hope that comes from outside of this dark and broken world.  As I struggle with some of Joshua's stuff, that is beyond what I can help with and beyond what doctors can fix, I feel the need for something outside of this world to come in and bring healing.  I appreciate the hope that came into the world when Jesus was born, and I understand the urgency of the cry, "Come, Lord Jesus."  When everything is comfortable and good...when you don't feel the sadness in your own life or in the world at large...then it can be harder to remember the great hope we receive at Christmas.  So if you're struggling this month, I hope this is an encouragement.

Day 14: Sight

Day 14:  What sight are you grateful for?

I am grateful for the sight of mountains.  I have lived in two different places that have the high desert with mountain view:  Alamosa, CO (pictured above, home of the Great Sand Dunes National Park) and now Reno, NV.  There are lovely things about every region of America, but for me, it's hard to beat the view of mountains, especially right at dusk, as the shadow, light, and clouds produce these amazing views (check out Reno at sunset, below).

Day 13: Abilities

Day 13:  What abilities are you grateful for?

I am grateful for the ability to triple jump (which, let's be honest, is probably more of a former ability at this point).  Track and field was my favorite part of high school.  I loved warming up with sprint mechanics, measuring out my mark, putting on spikes, and going for it.  I loved the days where we had brutal sprint workouts or long runs through the rain, and I loved the days before a meet where we got to take it easy and stretch.  I loved the 20 year old school-issued sweatpants.  I loved the different personalities of the coaches.  I loved the thrill of a track meet, particularly the high stakes state track meet.  But most of all, I loved the friendships with my teammates and I am grateful for memories of building sand castles in the sand pit, rolling down big grassy hills, and cheering each other on (there is time to kill between events, and we clearly used it well).  I am grateful that triple jump gave me an extra boost at getting into my dream college, and I am grateful that I got to continue jumping for 4 more years and make some more good friendships and memories.  And I am grateful that my body has not completely given out on me after 8 years of pounding from this unique, absurd, lovely event.

Day 12: Texture

Day 12:  What texture are you grateful for?

As the weather turns colder, I am grateful for all the textures that remind me of warm weather:  warm sand between your toes, walking barefoot on freshly cut grass, and the sensation of pool water on your legs.  The cold weather / short daylight season is hard for me (thank goodness for the holidays and lots of winter birthdays to bring some winter cheer!), and especially when I'm living somewhere with a brutal winter (such as Nebraska or Rhode Island), I visualize these textures and try to feel warmer.  I'm grateful for the textures of summer.

Day 11: Holiday

Day 11:  What holiday are you grateful for?

I am grateful for St. Patrick's Day.  It's funny to choose this one in the middle of the winter holiday season (the Advent season and Christmas are far and away my favorite holiday times), but there's something to be grateful for in many of the holidays, and I take special joy in this more minor holiday.  My dad's mom is 100% Irish, and though I have a blend of other western European ancestry (German, Swedish, English), this is the one piece of my heritage that got heartily celebrated, and it always makes me remember my Grandma Eileen fondly.  Every year growing up, we celebrated by wearing green and eating a meal of corned beef hash, potatoes, and cabbage.  And as I got older, add in a Guinness or two :).  My name, Erin, is also a nod to our Irish heritage.  I'm grateful for this holiday because it's fun and it celebrates my Irish roots.

Day 10: Taste

Day 10:  What taste are you grateful for?

I am grateful for the taste of Sicilia's stuffed crust pizza.  Sicilia's is a restaurant in the Federal Hill (Little Italy) section of Providence, RI.  The first time I visited this restaurant was a couple months into my first semester of college, with my new college roommate Judy (who would continue to be my roommate through all 4 years of college and will continue to be a lifelong close friend, and who I am *extremely* grateful for, much more so than this pizza).  We had attended a concert downtown and were looking for some late night comfort food, and this place fit the bill.  The stuffed crust pies are ridiculous even by pizza standards - there's a solid inch of baked cheese underneath the tomato sauce, which tops a thick, buttery crust - but in college, you can get away with eating that kind of food and not feeling like you're going to die afterwards.  Sicilia's turned into a regular Friday night tradition (also with our good friend Claire, and sometimes others), one of our favorite getaways if we wanted a couple hours away from campus.  We had a favorite waitress who knew our regular order.  I am grateful for the pizza, the friendships of Judy and Claire, and the many good memories at Sicilia's.

Day 9: Place

Day 9:  What place are you grateful for?

I am grateful for the Oregon coast.  My family has a beach house there, near Depoe Bay.  Growing up, we would visit this beautiful beach area every couple years, and I have so many good memories of family time spent in Oregon.  When we were little, we would explore the caves, play a game called "Weenie Wave" where we dodged the waves, and collect seashells.  As we got older, we hiked over the rockier parts of the coastline, had triple jump contests in the sand, and read through stacks of library books while tanning on the beach.  In the evenings, we watched the sun set over the ocean and watched for a green flash, played blackjack with M&Ms as our betting currency, and took walks through a pitch black tree tunnel as my brothers jumped out and tried to scare us.  On rainy days, we went into town and explored the boardwalk stores selling saltwater taffy, souvenir snow globes, and Oregon hoodies.  Farther down the road, in Newport, there's a fantastic bookstore, a seafood restaurant that makes a mean clam chowder, and a respectable aquarium.  So many of my favorite childhood memories take place in Oregon, and I can't wait to take my own kids to this special place.

Day 8: Book

Day 8:  What book are you grateful for?

This was a hard one for me because I LOVE books and I am grateful for a lot of them.  I'm grateful for the fiction books that have most entertained and moved me this year (A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara, The One in a Million Boy by Monica Wood), I'm grateful for books that have challenged the way I view an issue (The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander, Far From the Tree by Andrew Solomon), I'm grateful for books that have encouraged me at just the right time (Soul Survivor by Philip Yancey), and I'm grateful for books that are so beautifully written that they should be considered a piece of art (Gilead by Marilynne Robinson).

But the book that I am most grateful for is the Bible.  I know this is a bit of a cliche in Christian circles.  But this is the book that has been my steady companion through the ups and downs of life, and that speaks to you in new ways with every new reading and every stage of life.  The wisdom books help you work through every emotion you will ever feel.  The Gospels and New Testament show the model life of Jesus and give instructions for how we can try to live like this.  The entire book is a beautiful story of redemption and hope.  This is the one book for which I am most grateful.

Day 7: Memory

Day 7:  What memory are you grateful for?

I am grateful for the memory of the 4th of July, 2005.  That summer, I lived in Washington DC, where I was doing a clerkship with Bread for the City.  Kenny and I had just started dating that spring, but had already made plans to spend our respective summers on opposite sides of the country.  But Kenny was able to fly out to DC and visit me during the 4th of July weekend.  The evening of the 4th, we went down to the National Mall - there was a live band playing patriotic songs and an amazing fireworks show, with the nation's most iconic memorials in the background.  It was one of those evenings where everything feels perfect, like you're in a movie - young, in love, in the nation's capitol for this patriotic event.  And as you get older, you realize how rare these perfect, magical moments are, and it fills you with gratitude for every chance you have to experience a night like this.

Three Kids: Does it Live up to the Hype?

Ivy on her birth day

This is my blog post about adding a third kid.  I heard from many people that the transition from 2 to 3 kids is when things really get crazy in a household.  The Internet supports this idea.  (See, for example:  here, here, and here.)  I wondered whether it might be different for us, for the reasons listed below.  We are 4 weeks into being a family of 5, and I'm happy to report that so far, adding baby #3 has been the easiest transition.  Here are some of the X Factors that have made this transition the easiest of the three (and why #3 might be okay for you, too):

• Baby's personality - This was the big challenge with bringing home Baby #2.  Zoey was a baby who demanded to be held at all times.  Ivy (*so far - i'm nervous to even write this*) is the mythical "easy baby" - she eats a couple times each night, but mostly sleeps when she's not eating between the hours of 10pm - 7am.  She doesn't mind being set down sometimes, and she hardly ever cries without reason.  This gives me breathing room to get my other tasks done, and makes it more enjoyable when I do get to cuddle her, as it's a choice rather than a round-the-clock demand.  
• Age spacing - I wrote this blog post a few years ago about the pros and cons of having kids close in age.  (Josh and Zoey are 21 months apart, and developmentally even closer.)  When we brought Zoey home, Josh was young enough that he needed help with pretty much everything, as most 1-year-olds do.  It felt like there was always someone crying and urgently needing my help.  Now, with the older kids at ages 4 and 6, they can do many more things independently - particularly, keep themselves entertained (at least, if they are forced to do so) - and this is a game changer.  
• Special needs - I buried the lede because this factor won't apply to many of you, and for those of you who it does apply, you already know it well - but this is by far, by far the biggest one for us.  When Josh was born, his medical needs and the physical and emotional challenges that went along with that were beyond my wildest expectations of difficulty.  When Zoey was born, Josh still had very significant extra needs (like being bolus tube fed 8 times per day on top of attempting oral feeds, like attending 25 doctor and therapy appts in Zoey's first 3 months of life, etc.).  Now, as we bring Ivy home, Josh's extra needs are much more manageable - many of the therapies are handled at school, the doc appts and hospital time have slowed WAY down, and this whole aspect of our life is still there but much less demanding.
• Support from others -  For both of our Reno babies, we have had tons of support - all of Kenny's family is here, and we have a strong network of friends and church people who help us out.  This includes regular babysitting each week - also a game changer. For baby #2, born in Virginia Beach, we didn't have any babysitting support, and this was really hard.  We did have church friends who helped us with meals, prayers and emotional support, etc., but it was just harder to get babysitting from anyone when Josh was still medically fragile and we didn't have any family in town. 
• Experience - I have a naturally anxious and controlling personality, and with newborn babies, things can feel pretty out of control.  You have less control over when / whether you sleep, whether the day will be easy or crazy, pretty much everything.  But it helps tremendously to KNOW things are going to be this way, and that it gets better - and to know it from experience, not just from other people telling you and you secretly wondering if your baby will be the exception that never ever learns to sleep through the night, stop crying without consolation, etc.
• Busy-ness - Never thought I would list this as a helpful thing, but it actually is.  If I have time, I waste SO many hours worrying about things - how to get Josh to eat more, should Zoey start kindergarten at age 5 or 6, how can i get Ivy to sleep more hours in a row at night, etc. - but with 3 kids, there's just not time to get too obsessive about any one thing - you have to prioritize and limit your worrying.

So for those of you who are currently expecting #3, or who are contemplating adding a third, I'm here to tell you that it's not always the case that this one is the most difficult!  (I'll update again in a year, as it might just be way too soon to see the challenges of 3 kids.)
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That's not to say that there aren't some big challenges in this adjustment!  Here are the biggest 3 right now:

1.  The newborn needs and the corresponding exhaustion parents feel can be all consuming - this is just true with every new baby, no matter how many times you do it.  It's a challenge to care for a newborn even when that's literally the only thing you've got going on - add in siblings or a job or any other duties, and it's pushing you to the breaking point.  (However -- that experience thing I mentioned above - hugely helpful in maintaining perspective by the time you get to #3.)  Things are pretty crazy in those first few intense, sleep deprived months.  My "crazy" milestone with Ivy was backing into the garage door while it was still halfway down, getting the door fixed, and then having *another* garage door fiasco one week later.

2.  The kids are in 3 different stages and it can be a challenge to match them up -
- Josh is in the school-aged child stage:  Rush rush rush in the morning, big break from the child during the day, then condensing a bunch of things into the evening (dinner and bath, sometimes homework and other activities, squeeze in some downtime, get to bed).
- Zoey is in the preschooler-at-home stage:    It's the opposite of rush rush rush - you try to make activities during those long school hours stretch out as far as possible, especially activities that the kid can do somewhat on their own.  Matching these two rhythms works pretty well.  The ways that they are different complement nicely.  But then you add in:
-Ivy is in the newborn stage:   It's no problem to pick up Josh from school on time, or to build in time during the day to do a craft project with Zoey - until you're balancing these tasks with caring for a baby who sometimes needs to eat, or be walked around, or have a diaper blow-out, right at the same time you were planning to do those other things. (It's more challenging but also more fun - I can have conversations with the older kids that babies can't have; I can enjoy cuddles with my newborn that the older kids are mostly not interested in anymore; etc.)

First Halloween!

3.  Outings with all the kids - Loading and unloading 3 kids who are still in car seats; bringing everything that each kid needs; finding a time that works really well for all of them - the challenges are myriad.  So there is a lot more getting help, taking kids out on a rotating basis, and just avoiding unnecessary trips out of the house.  I'm hoping this part gets a little more manageable as the kids get older.

Friends who have multiple kids:  which was the easiest transition for you?  Which was the hardest?  Why?

Day 6: Nature

Day 6:  What in nature are you grateful for?

I am grateful for Lake Tahoe.  There are only so many places in the world where you can experience beach, mountains, and forest all in the same place:  how lucky am I to live within an hour's drive of one of them?  My kids love to dip their toes in the freezing cold water, build sand castles, and search for pine cones as big as their heads.  I love to breathe in the fresh mountain air and enjoy the beautiful view of bright blue water and snow capped mountain peaks.  And for me, this stunning lake reminds me of the beauty and glory of God.

Day 5: Sound

Day 5:  What Sound are you grateful for today?

I am grateful for the Christmas song "O Holy Night".  Both the music and the lyrics are stunningly beautiful and perfectly capture the hope of the Christmas season.  And I know it's not for everyone, but I love acapella music.

Here's another one of my favorite Christmas songs by the same group - "O Come O Come Emmanuel".

Day 4: Food

Day 4:  What food are you grateful for?

I am grateful for sushi.  It's not an every week or even every month meal for me - it's a special treat.  It's often the chosen meal for celebrations, so it feels festive.  Coming off 9 months of pregnancy, I'm grateful to have the green flag to eat it again.  One of Reno's distinctives is a plethora of all-you-can-eat sushi restaurants, and so I also associate sushi with abundance.  (The plate pictured above is what we call a starter here in northern Nevada.)  I'm grateful to live in a time and place in history where, every once in awhile, you can eat ridiculously big and lavish meals.  I had never tried sushi until Kenny and I started dating (this might sound crazy to people on the coasts, but is pretty common for Midwesterners) - he introduced me to what is now one of my favorite meals - so I also associate sushi with happy early memories with Kenny, for which I am extremely grateful.

Day 3: Color

Day 3:  What color are you grateful for?

I am grateful for yellow.  When we first moved into our Reno house, the living room had black floral wallpaper with matching drapes (pictured above).  Now, the same room has yellow walls (pictured below), and it makes an enormous difference.  It brightens up the room, both by increasing the literal lightness and by making it feel cheerier.

Another yellow related thing that I'm grateful for is sunshine.  Reno gets 252 sunny days per year, and the only way this could get better is if that number was 365.  I love this feature of desert living.  It mellows out winter, it makes it easier and more pleasant to spend time outside year round (and it makes it easier to boot the dog outside when he's being a pest), and it feels good physically and emotionally to get so much sunshine.

Day 2: Technology

Day 2:  What technology are you grateful for?

I am grateful for texting.  It's more efficient and less awkward than a phone call.  It's less annoying than voicemail.  It doesn't require an Internet connection like e-mail.  You can put in cute emojis.  You can contact more than one person at a time, quickly.  You can regularly check in with parents and far away friends, you can send out prayer requests, and you can send hilarious thoughts to your sister.  It's an introvert's dream come true!

30 days: Smell

I've done a thankfulness post every November since I started this blog, and this year, I'm going to try something a little different.  I found this image on Pinterest, and I thought it would be fun to use it as a writing prompt for the next 30 days.  (I might miss days, but I will make every effort to do catch up days promptly.)  I'm not going to put these up on Facebook (other than this starter one) - just on my blog - but if you are interested, I would love to have you participate along with me in the comments, on your own blog, on Facebook - wherever!

To kick off, I will start today with Prompt #1:  What smell are you grateful for today?

I am grateful for the smell of food prepared by other people.  As most of you know, we brought a new baby home 3 weeks ago, and friends from church and MOPS have been bringing us dinner every few days to help ease the transition.  This smell brings gratitude for many reasons:

• The meals have been delicious!  And I love to eat delicious food!  
• It's work off my plate - in these weeks where I'm working pretty hard around the clock, I'm so grateful to everyone who finds ways to lighten the load.
• Friendship - It's not a small thing thing to plan, shop for, prepare, and transport a full meal for a family.  If you work full time or if you have small kids of your own, which describes almost everyone who brought us meals, the logistics of meal provision (and then figuring out dinner for your own family) get even trickier.  I'm so grateful that people care that much for us, or care in general about helping people out in their time of need.  

Extreme World Poverty: Hunger in the Age of the Plenty

This post is a book review of "Enough: Why the World's Poorest Starve in an Age of Plenty" by Roger Thurow and Scott Kilman.  This is the first book review blog in a series exploring extreme world poverty.  My purpose in writing these book reviews is not to give a comprehensive synopsis or critique of the book, but to try to pass along the information that is most relevant to those wanting to help with these issues.  But if the issue of world hunger really grabs your heartt, then I would highly recommend reading this book.  

What's the book about?  

For several decades, the world has grown more than enough food to feed all of its people, even as the population continues to grow.  Yet 9 million people each year continue to die from hunger, most of them children in Africa.  This is a complicated issue with many causes, including those that many of us have heard of (drought / natural disaster, war zones, corrupt dictators), but also those that many of us have not heard of:  how the richest countries in the world have enacted policies, or failed to institute and support economic systems, and this has resulted in hungry people not being able to afford food that would otherwise be available.

There's a lot of dense content in this book, especially regarding agricultural practices and economic policy.  The book gives a history of different things that wealthier countries have tried in aiding hungry countries, explaining which policies have worked well and which policies have caused more harm than good.  

What are things that have historically helped?

• Provide money that goes back into the African economy
• Some examples of this are 1) western countries granting debt relief to African governments, and 2) sending money for Africans to purchase food from African farmers rather than sending over American food while African farmers can't sell the food they produce.
• "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a
  
  lifetime." (Lest this suggestion come off as too paternalistic -- African farmers are well aware of what they need, but the daily struggle to survive makes it too difficult for them to implement these things for themselves.  When they are given a little bit of breathing room (their family has enough food, they have regular access to water, etc.), they DO start implementing these things for themselves.  These are tips for us westerners as to how we can best help in a sustainable, rather than short-sighted, way.)
• Establish markets so that farmers have access to fair price discovery, uniform quality standards, and futures contracts.
• Infrastructure - roads, electricity, irrigation, farming tools.
• Extension offices that provide information to farmers on the newest and best farming techniques.
• Access to better seeds, fertilizer, etc.
• Private citizens, religious groups, and private corporations mobilizing to help raise money and awareness for these issues.  (It is especially helpful if you are a big name like Bono or Bill Gates :), but everyone's efforts help.)

What are the policy solutions that would most help with world hunger now?
(Note:  If you are wondering why these particular ideas, or what has been the harmful consequences of going a different direction on some of these suggestions - that's the bulk of the content of this book.)

• Wealthier countries should keep promises to expand development aid - $9 billion is currently given by all sources (public and private worldwide), and that amount needs to be doubled to reach everyone.
• Create a global fund to aid small farmers in Africa - help small farmers get the tools and information they need to grow enough food for their own families, and this will eventually lead to them making extra food and becoming self supporting.
• Invest in infrastructure - Support projects that provide roads, electricity, and irrigation.
• Africa takes responsibility - African governments need to keep their promise to dedicate 10% of spending to agriculture.  (Some are, some are not.)
• Plant new seed technology - (controversy alert!) - it would be helpful to the farmers of Africa to use genetically modified seed technology that is engineered to be most productive given the various agricultural conditions of their countries, but this seed is more difficult to obtain while there is controversy about GMOs in America and Europe.
• Find an alternative to turning food into fuel - Research other types of green energy that don't take away from the food supply (including making energy from the parts of food that we don't actually eat).  
• Create an international grain reserve - When emergency drought conditions arise anywhere in the world, it would be helpful to have a ready-to-go store of food available.  
• "Level the plowing fields" - (controversy alert) - provide subsidies to African farmers, and consider the effect of subsidies in western countries and think about whether there are ways to make them less harmful to African farmers (for example, by linking subsidies to better environmental practices rather than production).  (You could also just cut subsidies to western farmers, but i feel REALLY squeamish making this recommendation, both because I was raised in Nebraska and know some farmers, and also because fairness - if Americans should help with world hunger as a justice issue (and i think we should), this should be spread equally and not all heaped on the back of farmers.)
• Give U.S. food aid the flexibility for local purchases - Right now, the United States sends the vast majority of food aid in the form of actual bags of food.  It would be helpful to African farmers if the U.S. sent half of this in the form of money for Africans to purchase food from African farmers (or, if cutting the food amount sent would be too detrimental to American farmers, increase the aid budget and send the entire increase in the form of cash to purchase from African farmers).

Which Organizations Are Helping?
(Note - neither of these are formally endorsed by the authors of this book, but they both come up multiple times as organizations that are helping make positive change):

• Bread for the World - this is a group to check out if you want to learn more about policy changes and justice issues related to world hunger.  They have an email list, tips for how to contact your elected representatives, tips for how your church can get involved, etc.
• World Vision - this is a group to check out if you want to provide a financial donation to a group providing direct aid to hungry people.  

Home

Do you ever have a concept on your mind that seems to come up over and over?  That concept for me, this week, is the idea of "home".  I just read a book about people being evicted from their homes, then thought about some of my old jobs involving housing, then read a Tim Keller devotional about home.  That's really a lot of things *very loosely* tied together, so this stream of consciousness blog is probably going to be more of a demonstration of pregnancy brain than anything else, but each blurb is a subject that has been on my mind lately 

1.  Evicted Book Review

I just read "Evicted:  Poverty and Profit in the American City" by Matthew Desmond and would highly, highly recommend it.  It describes a problem that most of us have heard of, but few realize the scope of:  evictions.  Some of the main points of this book:

• Low-income tenants are often paying 80-100% of their monthly income on housing costs.  (This is where the private market prices are at, and public housing is unavailable even for most people who financially qualify.)  This makes it almost impossible not to get behind at some point.  And once you're behind, even just a little bit, landlords can evict you at anytime.  
• Evictions are not just the result of poverty but can also be a contributing cause of poverty.  Having an eviction on your record makes it harder to get into a new home, and it can cause depression, job loss, involvement in the child welfare system, loss of possessions, etc.
• Groups that are most highly affected by evictions are single women of color and single parent families with children.  (You'd think children in the home might cause landlords to treat a family more sympathetically, but nope, it's very much the opposite:  adults with children are WAY more likely to get evicted - statistically, having children has the same effect as being 4 additional months behind on your rent.)
•  When a family grows up with a stable home, rather than being forced to move from place to place, studies show that it can nurture the following things:  happiness and mental health, school success, steadier employment, savings, and safer / stronger / more thriving neighborhoods. 
• Two of the main solutions this book proposes are:  better access to justice for low-income tenants (who could often fight or at least delay evictions if they had the same kind of protections as their landlords), and a more robust public housing assistance program (so that everyone who qualified could actually receive help staying in their home).  

2.  My old jobs / legal passion

One of the things I hoped to do with my career was to help with some of the problems highlighted in the Evictions book.  This was primarily because of 3 jobs I worked during my college and law school years:

• In my "gap year" between college and law school, I worked as a homeless prevention outreach worker at La Puente in rural Colorado, where I talked to hundreds of people who were nearly homeless (facing an eviction or foreclosure notice, or utility shutoff) and tried to help figure out a plan that would help them stay in their homes for at least a little while longer.  
• For law school summer clerkship #1, I worked at Bread for the City in Washington DC - I assisted in the department that provided direct legal assistance to tenants.  I got to see the huge volume of people going through landlord-tenant court, and how most of the landlords had lawyers, while practically none of the tenants had legal assistance (and the people with lawyers virtually always won).  I saw the homes that some of our clients lived in, and the lack of bargaining power these tenants had if they needed improvements made (because they could always be evicted, and could not necessarily find a new home quickly).  I saw Section 8 tenants lose their homes as the owners of their buildings sold to luxury condo builders.  
• For law school summer clerkship #2, I worked at the National Housing Law Project in Oakland, CA - they focus on "systemic" problems - problems that affect a large group of people, and that can be fixed with a change to a particular rule or system.  My main summer project was helping with a manual on rural public housing, but I learned about all kinds of systemic issues in the public housing world (such as prisoner re-entry, domestic violence, etc.).  

I loved all 3 of these jobs and learned a TON from all of them, and had hoped to launch into a legal career that would somehow focus on housing justice.  But when I graduated law school, I couldn't find a job in this field.  I was lucky to work two other jobs that I really liked and found meaningful, and now I'm blessed to be able to stay home with our kids for awhile (not that there aren't some days i would give anything to be back in an office...).  But reading the Evictions book reminded me how much I care about housing issues, and how much I would someday, in some capacity, like to be able to work on them again.  

3.  Christianity and home

It never occurred to me before, but "home" is a major theme of Christianity - yearning for a home, the pain of being away from home, the promise of someday living in a perfect home.  Here is an excerpt from Tim Keller's excellent devotional "The Songs of Jesus" (which is another book I would highly recommend) on the topic of home:  "God's promise to give Abraham's descendants a homeland (Genesis 12:1-5) is central to understanding the plan of redemption.  We long for home, a place of security, comfort, and love.  We were made
for a world without death or parting from love, a world in which we walked with God and knew him face to face.  The world has been marred by sin and is no longer home, and we are restless exiles since our expulsion from Eden.  So when the Son of God came he had no place to lay his head (Luke 9:58) and was crucified outside the city.  He took the great exile we deserved so we could be brought into God's household (Ephesians 2:17-19).  And someday he will turn the world back into our home indeed (Revelation 21:1-8)."  - From the devotional for September 22

So those are the thoughts that have been floating around in my head this week related to home.  Would love to hear your thoughts on either of these books, or any other thoughts about the topic of "home".  

Sleeping children

This might be the most gratuitous blog I've ever posted, but one of the fun things about having a blog is that you can post whatever the heck you want.  So today's post is pictures of my sleeping children!  I can't imagine that this will be interesting to anyone besides me - that's what I mean by gratuitous - so if you somehow managed to stumble upon this post
in cyberspace, my apologies - maybe you will enjoy the sleep quotes.

"I love sleep.  My life has a tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?"  --Ernest Hemingway

"We are such stuff as dreams are made on; and our little life is rounded with a sleep."  --William Shakespeare

"It is a common experience that a problem difficult at night is resolved in the morning after the committee of sleep has worked on it."  -- John Steinbeck

"The serpent, the king, the tiger, the stinging wasp, the small child, the dog owned by other people, and the fool:  these seven ought not to be awakened from sleep."  --Chanakya

“That sound of settling into the sheets and the covers has to be one of the best things in the world. Sleep is a mercy. You can feel it coming on, like being swept up in something.” -- Marilynne Robinson

“There is a time for many words, and there is also a time for sleep.” - Homer, The Odyssey

Learning about extreme global poverty: the intro post

Recently, one of my pastors gave a sermon about his trip to Kenya.  My church, The Bridge, partners with an organization called When I Grow Up, and specifically, their project of supporting a school called Furaha in the Huruma slum of Nairobi, Kenya.  Pastor Tim told us about the extreme poverty he saw in the Huruma slum, and how this school offers hope of breaking the cycle of poverty to the families of kids who attend the school.  (This school is doing amazing work!  Check out the website to learn more.)

There are all kinds of startling statistics that can be ticked off about people living in extreme poverty, and if I'm being honest, so many of them fly over my head - but occasionally you hear a statistic, story, or description that shakes you to the core and that you know will stick with you.  The statistic that applies to the Huruma slum is:  40% of children don't live to see their 5th birthday.

How can that be??  This means that many, many kids are born healthy and then don't survive due to things that we totally take for granted in the United States - lack of clean water, food, sanitation, clothing, access to medicine and vaccines, safe housing standards, enforced child welfare laws, and i'm sure hundreds of other things.  What does that do, psychologically, to parents and kids, knowing that the odds of survival are so low and that they and their kids will be fighting to survive for their entire life?

While none of us as individuals can be the complete fixer of all the problems in the world - there is so much that can be done by individuals in wealthy countries for other individuals living in extreme poverty.  This starts with learning more about the systemic roots of the problem, and then using that knowledge to try to help in the best possible ways.  My personal knowledge about "what are the best ways to help break the cycle of extreme global poverty" is very limited, and I would like to know more.  If I had to guess at the most effective programs to support, I would list: clean water, public heath initiatives, education, and business micro-loans -- but I would like to do more reading to know if this list is on point, and if so, what is the best way to support these type of endeavors?

This isn't meant to be a guilt inducing blog post, but an explanation of the inspiration for a blog mini-series that I plan to do in the next year (or couple years - we'll see how things work out once new baby arrives!).  In this stage of my life, it's hard to do much "helping" work, even locally, because i generally need to bring the kids and spend 90% of my energy supervising the kids, and then we're no help to anyone.  But I do have some time to read and write, so this is an excellent time of life to learn and blog about issues, and then see where it goes from there.  So to start, I'm going to read and blog through the four books suggested by Pastor Tim, listed below -- and then we will see where the series goes from there.  If any of you are interested in this same topic, I would love to have you read along!

Suggested books (edited as I go with links to my book review blogs):
1.  The Hole in Our Gospel by Richard Stearns
2.  Enough:  Why World's Poorest Starve in an Age of Plenty by Roger Thurow
3.  When Helping Hurts by Steve Corbett
4.  The Locust Effect by Gary Haugen

Thoughts on L&D and first few months with new baby

I'm heading into the third trimester of pregnancy number three!  This blog post is the best pieces of advice I've learned about labor and delivery, first few months with baby, and feeding the baby.  And a couple memes about what it feels like to be in your third trimester of pregnancy.

Labor and delivery 

• Birth classes - they are worth taking if you're trying to learn a particular skill (such as techniques to get through natural labor, how to breastfeed).  It is NOT worth taking a hospital based birthing class otherwise - just spend 10 minutes reading an article about the stages of labor and delivery and you'll be equally prepared.  
• Come in informed and have someone to help you advocate  - they will be throwing lots of information at you when you come in with contractions (dilated, effaced, fun words like that), and it's a lot easier to handle if you have some idea of how this all relates to you being done with the whole thing.  Whether to have a written birth plan or not is really up to your personal preference (i never did), and don't expect the hospital to honor it like a contract - it just helps keep you on track with asking for the things that are important to you.  If someone else can be with you to help advocate for you (this could be a spouse / relative / friend or a doula), that's really helpful, as you will be at capacity making it through contractions and managing pain.  
• But also, be flexible - labor and delivery is a crazy process, and sometimes, despite the best efforts of both mama and the medical team, things are going to need to happen that weren't in your plans.  You might need to get induced, or get a c-section, or other types of interventions, and this might be the thing that saves the health of you or your baby.  It's good to keep the end goal in sight:  baby comes out, and both baby and mama stay as healthy as possible through the process, however that happens.  



Happened the first two pregnancies.  Has not happened yet with #3, but i'm calling it now.

• Get the epidural!  I have tons of respect for mamas who have done their research and decided that natural birth is definitely for them, so this is not intended to dissuade that group.  But if you are like me and think, "I'll just go as long as i can and then get the epidural if i can't stand the pain"; or if you are part of a group where many people prefer natural births, but you're not feelin the Bern; or if you feel guilted into trying natural, but don't actually have positive, concrete reasons why you want that to be your birth experience -- then get the epidural.  It makes a world of difference in pain management.  And get it sooner rather than later - there are no medals given out for making it more hours into the ordeal without help.  

First few months with new baby

• Details of caring for baby -  Before Josh was born, I was worried about mastering the details of diapering and swaddling and sleep schedules - you figure that stuff out as you go - don't worry about it too much ahead of time.  Most stuff comes pretty easily (there is more to be said about feeding, so i put that in a separate section, below).  
• The thing that's hard is endurance - for a few months, you will be running on little sleep, constantly meeting physical needs, and possibly dealing with lots of crying even after meeting all of baby's needs.  This too shall pass!  It can feel really long when you're in the middle of it, but most babies get a lot easier in every way by the time they hit 3 or 4 months.  Until then, be extra kind to yourself - accept offers of help, be okay with toddler siblings watching extra TV and eating frozen pizza for dinner, let the house be messy, and know that it's a stage that will pass.  
• Baby gear - when baby first comes home, all they need is a car seat, a place to sleep, a few outfits, and a plan for diapering and feeding.  There are a million extra things you can get, but what's helpful and necessary will depend a lot on your baby's personality and your life circumstances.  With Josh, we used all the little baby containers (rock and play, swing, bumbo, pack and play) heavily - he was cool with being set down, he was delayed at sitting, and it was a great set up for his tube feeding.  With Zoey, we had all that gear and didn't use it at all - the thing she really needed was a good baby carrier because she wanted to be held 24/7 and we were out and about a lot more with an older sibling.  So with this third baby, I plan to wait and see what the baby is like before ordering any extra gear that isn't bequeathed to us via hand-me-down.  (Thank you, Amazon Prime, for making wait-and-see a much more viable option.)
• Baby clothes - Newborns are messy.  Get a couple cute outfits for things like pictures and special outings (which will very likely come in as gifts), but mostly stick to sleepers and onesies, because babies like to be comfortable, and babies get outfits dirty really fast - which is a lot easier to handle when they're wearing the $1 onesie that you can throw in the washer than if they're wearing the $40 beautiful handmade dry clean only ruffled Etsy romper.  (The window for dressing up kids is long - you've got years to put them in cute outfits, and it's so much easier once they get past the spit up / diaper blow out phase.)  
• Make friends with other moms - I never thought this would happen to me, but it happens to all of us - you will want to have people you can talk to, at length, about teething and first foods and all the other baby stuff.  It's great when you have more in common than just parenthood, and it will probably make the friendship much more sustainable in the long term, but in that first year it's helpful to have other people who are willing to have the long conversations about baby stuff that people who not in baby-land are not willing or able to do.  
• Keep friendships with others, too - In the first few months, it's all about survival, but eventually (and that's sooner rather than later) you will want to have conversations about the other things in life that matter to you - faith, politics, hobbies, etc. - and you will want your life to be about more than just baby again.  It's harder to fit in time for friends once kids are part of your life, but it's really good for everyone.  (I am LOUSY at this one, so need to take my own advice here.)  
• Mommy wars stuff - This seems to hit especially hard in the first year of baby's life.  Moms can be very judgmental towards each other (especially on the Internet / Facebook, much less so in real life).  It's puzzling because a lot of it is about stuff that doesn't matter that much (how baby is diapered, when and where baby sleeps, do you use a cover when breastfeeding in public, etc.), or is determined completely by the baby and family's circumstances (how baby is fed, whether both parents work full time, etc.).  I don't know why we feel the need to be so harsh towards each other, but it seems to come out the worst regarding parenting choices in baby's first year.  It might just be that sleep deprived, post-partum mamas feel extra sensitive and therefore are 1) more easily offended about their own choices, and 2) sometimes the response to that is to attack other ways of doing things.  As much as you can, stay away from Internet articles and Internet commenters during those first few months.  Parenting controversies continue as they get older (at preschool age, it looks like:  how much and what kind of screen time?  what are they eating?  School - how much, what kind, at what age?  And the ever present - working or stay at home parent?), but as kids get older, I feel like it's much easier to ignore advice that doesn't pertain to you, or not get offended whenever someone disagrees with you, or just understand that there are many different ways to be a good and loving parent.  So in summary, mommy wars type stuff becomes a lot more bearable after the first year - in the meantime, do everything you can to just stay away.  

Feeding
This blog post is turning into a novel, so if you're still reading, thank you for sticking with me!  The two things I would say about breastfeeding are:

1)  Of all the things about caring for a newborn baby, breastfeeding is definitely the thing with the biggest learning curve.  So if this is your feeding method of choice, I would read up or take a class or talk to other moms about the things involved.  Suggested topics to learn about ahead of time:  how to use a breast pump, gear you will need (nursing pads, lanolin, a cover, a breastfeeding pillow, etc.), where to get more support if you're having trouble in the first few days and weeks, what it feels like when you're first getting started (so you know what's normal and what's not), and what the schedule is like at first.
2)  For many, it's not going to work out to breastfeed exclusively for 12 months - between work demands, individual issues going on with baby or mom, or what's best for the family overall, you might have to use a different feeding method.  After you've carefully made this decision, let go of the guilt!  Your baby is getting fed and that is BY FAR what's most important.

My experience feeding my first two kids was extremely different.  I've written about Josh's tube feeding at length, but have never said much about exclusively pumping while caring for a medically complex infant.  That ish was HARD, and I was only able to keep it up for about 4 months.  I felt so sad and guilty when my milk supply ran out, but also extremely relieved that it was one thing off my (at the time) overly full plate.  We switched Josh to formula and fortunately he responded well, and suddenly I didn't have to find the time to be pumping and cleaning and re-assembling pump parts 8 times per day (and then doing NG tube bolus feeds 8 times per day on top of it).  Josh and I have a very close bond, and he rarely gets sick these days (even with the chromosome deletion), so many of the fears associated with switching to formula early on did not come to pass.

Zoey, on the other hand, was easy to establish with breastfeeding.  She latched well right away, she was a hearty eater and grew well, and she slept well at night, waking only a few times to eat and then going quickly back to sleep.  I didn't have to restrict my own diet to accommodate her needs, I didn't have a work schedule where I had to figure out pumping times and places, and I didn't have problems with supply.  So with Zoey, breastfeeding was everything it can be at its best and easiest:  it was a beautiful bonding time with baby, it was easier and cheaper than formula would have been, and we were able to keep it up with no trouble for 16 months.  (It's also worth noting that, while Zoey is now a very healthy almost-4 year old, she had her share of ear infections and a few respiratory sicknesses when she was a baby, so breastfeeding did not completely protect her from the germs of the world.)  Zoey's breastfeeding was a very healing experience for me (after the pain of not being able to do the one thing i was sure i was going to do as a new mom with Josh), but the two experiences combined made me realize that the way you feed your baby can go a lot of different ways, and things will probably turn out okay even if the feeding experience is not everything you had hoped and dreamed.