This week, I turned 33. Back when I turned 30, I wrote about my thoughts on the difference between life in your twenties and life in your thirties. The thoughts still seem applicable at age 33, so I'm going to post them as a #ThrowBackThursday blog. Without further ado...
I am freaking out about turning 30 tomorrow, so I thought I would write about it. According to the New York Times magazine, "Sociologists traditionally define the “transition to adulthood” as marked by five milestones: completing school, leaving home, becoming financially independent, marrying and having a child.” I hit all those milestones in my twenties (squeezing out the last one, literally, in the last few months of the decade), so I’m not freaking out because I feel like I’m behind on my life journey. I also am not freaking out because I’m dissatisfied with my life. Even though things are challenging on a day-to-day basis right now because of the demands of a special needs newborn, I wouldn’t trade my husband or my baby or (most of) my general life experiences for anything. I think I’m freaking out because you are so carefree in your twenties and you get to have the *big decisions* in life ahead of you. By your thirties, it’s not like you’re locked into everything forever, but many of your decisions (who will I marry? what will my career be? where will i live?) have been made. Also, the thirties are notoriously a grind decade where you put in the investment work that will make things really good for the rest of your life. So if you want to have a family with multiple kids, you will raise babies and young children during this decade. If you want to have a fruitful career, you will be putting in long hours at the office while still towards the bottom of the pay scale and prestige ladder. As a woman, you’ll be trying to figure out how to balance family and work, which are both at the height of demandingness in this decade. So I think that’s what I’m nervous about.
[I edited out several long paragraphs about life in my twenties mostly because they would only be interesting to me. They basically describe that I got an education, traveled, made some good friends, make some dumb mistakes at a time when the stakes were still pretty low, and started my career.]
My musings on the thirties above sounded a little grim, so I want to end on positive note. It’s not a bad thing that many of my big life decisions have been made, it’s just a change. When things are a known quantity, you can direct all your energy towards getting good at those things. I know who I will spend my life married to, so I can enjoy the particular blessings that come with this man and work on the challenges that we have in our specific marriage. I know that I have invested lots of time and money into going to law school and I have already been fortunate to have 2 law jobs that I really liked, so I can work to get good at those type of jobs (once I get back into the workforce). I know myself somewhat better than I did at the beginning of my twenties, better know some of the things I need to work on, and I also know some of the things I’m good at. I’m sure getting to know yourself and improving yourself is a lifelong process, but I am now one decade closer. Cheers to 30!
Post-script: Savvy readers will note that a scant three years later, we have already shown that our "big life decisions" are still in flux. We moved from Reno to Virginia Beach and Kenny changed jobs from a corporate law firm to teaching law (which within the legal field is a major switch). I NEVER would have predicted either of these changes at the time I wrote these original thoughts. So while I think the general idea of this blog is true - as you get older, your life becomes more about attempting to become excellent at the things your life consists of rather than figuring out what exactly your life will be - we have also seen that life is unpredictable and it's important to retain some flexibility, knowing that life will throw you some curve balls.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
On Being a Stay at Home Mom with a Law Degree
I had a funny conversation this weekend. I was wearing a Duke sweatshirt, and this guy came up to me and very enthusiastically said, "Did you go to Duke?" I told him I did, and then he said, "What do you do?" I told him that I stay home with my kids. The bright smile stayed on his face, but that totally ended the conversation. And that made me think to write a blog post about what it's like to be a lawyer and a stay at home mom.
When I went to undergrad and law school, it never occurred to me that I might be a stay at home mom. I wanted to have kids, but I gave very little thought to what that would mean in relation to me working. Once I found out I was pregnant, I thought about how the baby would be cared for, but this mostly consisted of touring a few daycare centers and putting a deposit down at the place that seemed like the best fit. I was open to the idea that once I met my baby, I might not want to go back to work, but I really didn't think that was going to be the case. Then, when Joshua was born with all his medical issues, it was clear that one of his parents would need to stay home with him, and it was equally clear that it made sense for that parent to be me.
So that's how I stumbled into the stay at home mom life. But now, three years later, I am glad to be a stay at home mom and glad that I didn't go back to work right away. [I want to add a little caveat here: these are just my personal reflections -- I am not trying to prescribe how things should be for every family.] I am grateful that I get to have so much influence on two little kids in their most formative years. I'm grateful that I get to be around to experience this time of rapid growth and development, where they are literally changing daily. I'm grateful that I got to be the one who nursed Joshua through his toughest months. I'm grateful that our family is able to have one parent stay at home, since for many it is not a choice. I'm grateful that I don't have to balance a law job and parenting small children, both of which are demanding and time intensive projects.
That's not to say that there are no moments where I miss being part of the professional world, but the moments are mostly about the respect that comes with being a professional as opposed to the work itself. For example, it's hard when I have to fill out forms and say that i''m "unemployed", or when I contemplate going to my college or law school class reunions only to tell old classmates and professors that I stay home with the kids, or when i wear my Duke Law shirt to a children's festival and know that everyone assumes it's my husband's shirt. The fact that these things bother me shows me that my identity is too much wrapped up in a) being a lawyer and b) what people think of me.
Also, when I i see my old classmates and co-workers accomplishing really cool things, it makes me wish i could be a part of it. (Nebraska Appleseed, i'm talking to you.)
So for the most part, I have no regrets about being temporarily out of the work force. There are definitely days where it's tough staying home with two toddlers. But when I fantasize about taking a break, i don't dream about sitting in a law office in a suit doing document review. I think about sitting on a beach with a margarita in one hand and a novel in the other, with no responsibilities and no interruptions...which is pretty much the same thing i would daydream about when i had a stressful day as a practicing lawyer.
Since I'm happy as a stay at home mom, the other natural question is whether I would have done things differently with my education if I knew ahead of time that I would stay home with the kids for awhile. I would still choose to attend law school, as I loved the few years I practiced as an attorney and I intend to practice for decades once I go back to work. I'm not sure if I would choose to attend a private school over a public school - but since I did attend private, I'm grateful for the excellent education I received and the opportunities it has provided.
I would be interested to hear from others about your thoughts on your situation balancing family and career.
When I went to undergrad and law school, it never occurred to me that I might be a stay at home mom. I wanted to have kids, but I gave very little thought to what that would mean in relation to me working. Once I found out I was pregnant, I thought about how the baby would be cared for, but this mostly consisted of touring a few daycare centers and putting a deposit down at the place that seemed like the best fit. I was open to the idea that once I met my baby, I might not want to go back to work, but I really didn't think that was going to be the case. Then, when Joshua was born with all his medical issues, it was clear that one of his parents would need to stay home with him, and it was equally clear that it made sense for that parent to be me.
So that's how I stumbled into the stay at home mom life. But now, three years later, I am glad to be a stay at home mom and glad that I didn't go back to work right away. [I want to add a little caveat here: these are just my personal reflections -- I am not trying to prescribe how things should be for every family.] I am grateful that I get to have so much influence on two little kids in their most formative years. I'm grateful that I get to be around to experience this time of rapid growth and development, where they are literally changing daily. I'm grateful that I got to be the one who nursed Joshua through his toughest months. I'm grateful that our family is able to have one parent stay at home, since for many it is not a choice. I'm grateful that I don't have to balance a law job and parenting small children, both of which are demanding and time intensive projects.
That's not to say that there are no moments where I miss being part of the professional world, but the moments are mostly about the respect that comes with being a professional as opposed to the work itself. For example, it's hard when I have to fill out forms and say that i''m "unemployed", or when I contemplate going to my college or law school class reunions only to tell old classmates and professors that I stay home with the kids, or when i wear my Duke Law shirt to a children's festival and know that everyone assumes it's my husband's shirt. The fact that these things bother me shows me that my identity is too much wrapped up in a) being a lawyer and b) what people think of me.
Also, when I i see my old classmates and co-workers accomplishing really cool things, it makes me wish i could be a part of it. (Nebraska Appleseed, i'm talking to you.)
So for the most part, I have no regrets about being temporarily out of the work force. There are definitely days where it's tough staying home with two toddlers. But when I fantasize about taking a break, i don't dream about sitting in a law office in a suit doing document review. I think about sitting on a beach with a margarita in one hand and a novel in the other, with no responsibilities and no interruptions...which is pretty much the same thing i would daydream about when i had a stressful day as a practicing lawyer.
Since I'm happy as a stay at home mom, the other natural question is whether I would have done things differently with my education if I knew ahead of time that I would stay home with the kids for awhile. I would still choose to attend law school, as I loved the few years I practiced as an attorney and I intend to practice for decades once I go back to work. I'm not sure if I would choose to attend a private school over a public school - but since I did attend private, I'm grateful for the excellent education I received and the opportunities it has provided.
I would be interested to hear from others about your thoughts on your situation balancing family and career.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Reno Christmas Vacation
We are nearing the end of our time in Reno, so in keeping with the tradition from this summer, I thought I'd blog about our month in the Biggest Little City in the World:
- Birthday celebrations - it's always fun to do birthdays with a big group, and we celebrated many: Kenny's, 2 year old nephew Lewis, and mine (an early celebration since my actual birthday is at the end of January). Best of all, we got to be around for an actual birth day -- nephew Caleb Thomas was born on December 27th.
- Ching Christmas - We did many traditional Christmas things - gathering with family, eating a wonderful holiday meal (as well as fudge and cookies and appetizers throughout the rest of the day / week / month), and opening presents on Christmas Eve and stockings on Christmas morning. Some traditions that are more specific to the Chings: eating lefse, which is a traditional Norwegian treat (Kenny's mom is Norwegian) that is similar to a tortilla with butter and sugar spread on top (but i think there's actually a lot more to it); and singing all the verses to Christmas carols (a new twist this year was discussion of using smart phones to look up lyrics, but we ended up successfully sharing hymnals and piano books).
- Medical mishaps.
- Round One: We started the trip off with two sick kids, which resulted in two trips to Urgent Care (Zoey's trip was pretty standard; Joshua's, once again, went something like this), two sets of antibiotics, and a week later, two healthy kids.
- Round Two: On Christmas morning, Joshua hopped out of bed at 5 am to check his Christmas stocking, and in the process his G-button came out and burst. So that started the morning off with a bang! When the button comes out, you need to replace it within 30 minutes or head to the emergency room because the body starts healing itself (and the hole that allows food to enter starts closing) right away. We always travel with a spare, so we got the button replaced, but our spare also turned out to be a dud. So we debated going to the ER as the spare button came out 3 more times in the next 24 hours. We were able to keep it in well enough to wait until the day after Christmas to deal with it. It took many phone calls to find a medical supply provider who had the right size button in stock and who was willing to sell it to us same day without a prescription or insurance clearance, but thankfully we got it done and avoided a trip to the hospital.
- Mountains are the best - now that I've lived in the Great Plains, New England, and near the ocean, which each have their own incredible beauty, I can officially say that mountains are my favorite kind of natural attraction. They make a drive to the grocery store beautiful. They provide for year round recreation. And it's hard to beat the look of the mountains at dusk.
- New Year's resolutions - in case anyone is interested, i have three: 1) read War and Peace; 2) read through the Bible in a year (my first time attempting this since becoming a parent, which should bring an interesting new perspective to it); and 3) run 100 days in the year (so far, i have completed zero days, but i received some great new running clothes and shoes and i'm excited to put them to good use).
- Travel delays - We were supposed to fly back to Virginia yesterday, but due to the crazy weather this week, our flight got postponed until Sunday. So 6 extra days of vacation! Kenny had to cancel a few classes and Joshua will miss a couple days of school and therapy, but for the most part, this delay allows us to spend an extra week with family without causing a major disruption to any of our lives.
That's been my month. I would love to hear about your holidays and New Year's Resolutions! (i am not interested in hearing thoughts about why New Year's resolutions are pointless. #sorryimnotsorry #justhashtaggedmyblog)
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