Dating is to Marriage as Campaigning is to Governing

Kenny and I celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary this week, so I've been reflecting on marriage.  And I've also been watching lots of West Wing this spring.  So, combining those two things, I came up with this analogy:  Dating is to Marriage as Campaigning is to Governing.  Here's how:

1.  You put on your best face at the beginning and paint things in a very rosy light.  If you are dating, you talk about things like who's your favorite band and where's your favorite vacation spot.  If you are campaigning, you spend lots of time shaking hands and kissing babies and little time discussing substantive policy.  Either way, you focus on things that are positive and light and not likely to offend.  In either case, you spend a LOT of energy trying to be charming and witty and attractive, you are very attentive to the needs and wishes of your date / voter, and you take care to say and do things that will be appealing to them.

2.  The things you talk about during dating / campaigning will probably have very little to do with the things that turn out to be most important during your marriage / governing term.  Kenny and I spent plenty of time while we were dating talking about where we would like to live and the possibility of of raising a family.  But it never even occurred to us that we might move to Virginia (which will soon be the place we've lived the longest), or that one of our children might have serious medical needs - and those have been two of the things that have had the most major impact on our lives in the last seven years.  And that is just seven years in - who knows what life has in store for the next fifty years.  Likewise, every president has major things come up, both foreign and domestic, that could not have been (specifically) foreseen during campaign season.  Often, these are the things that define their presidency.

3.  BUT, that doesn't mean that the dating / campaigning is all for nothing.  The dating / campaign season gives you a chance to see what the person values and what their character is like, even though it might be buried beneath witty repartee or vague campaign slogans.  In dating Kenny, I got to see that he loves his family and is very generous with his time and energy towards those he loves, and sure enough, that has translated into him being a loving and involved father - for example, giving Joshua late night g-tube feeds and working with him every day on speech practice.  I also got to see that Kenny loves to think, loves to write, and is gifted at teaching - so when a job came up in Virginia that incorporated all those things, I knew it would be wise for us to take that opportunity.  It's the same with politicians.  You don't know specifically what's going to come up during their term, but you get some sense of how they will govern based on how they have lived their life up to that point, what they names as their top priorities, and how they respond to issues that are currently in the news.

So what conclusions can be drawn from this?  For me, it's to thank God that I ended up with a great partner even though I had no clue what marriage would be like when we were dating, and to pay more attention to a politicians' character and less to their specific policy promises (except to the extent that those reveal values and character).

I would love to hear how others fill in the blanks.  (Dating is to Marriage as ____ is to _____.)

Thoughts on "Gift from the Sea"

I just finished reading "Gift from the Sea" by Anne Morrow Lindbergh, which I've been wanting to read for awhile because it's my Grandma's favorite book.  It's a double win to read the favorite book of a person you love and respect because it helps you understand them better and it's guaranteed to be a good read.  This book did not disappoint.  It's a tiny book packed with practical wisdom and beautiful prose.  Lindbergh encourages readers to simplify their lives and to make space for solitude, and she describes how marriage changes over time and why this is a good thing.  Her thoughts on simplicity and solitude made me think further --

Simplicity:  Lindbergh says that the more stuff you have, the more time / energy / money you will spend tending to your stuff, and at some point this is going to decrease your happiness.  I've been thinking about this lately because along with parenting comes an explosion of new stuff.  For example, we are now a five stroller family. Why in the world do we need *five* strollers?  Short answer:  for highly specialized purposes.  It's great to have a skinny little stroller that fits in the car for shopping trips, a sturdy jogging stroller for walks, a double stroller that can tote both kids at once, etc.;  But it also means that we need a living space big enough to store all these strollers, that we need to keep track of cleaning and maintaining 5 strollers (2 of them are now semi-busted), and that we need to think about which one goes where at any given time.  In some ways, it would be a lot easier to just pick the one most useful stroller and get rid of the others - it would certainly clear up physical space and it would probably clear up some mental space as well.  I'm not sure that strollers are the place where I'm actually going to apply this simplicity principle, but it's good to remember that having a bunch of material possessions can create mental drag as well as physical clutter.

Solitude:  The book encourages readers to regularly carve out time, free of people or distraction, where you can pursue creative / intellectual / spiritual projects.  As a shy introvert, I have no problem avoiding people (and in fact would like to do a lot less of that).  But I have a really hard time eliminating distractions.  When I get in the car, I immediately turn on the radio.  When I have a few minutes to myself, I usually spend it on Facebook.  (I'm not looking to trash Facebook here - sometime I will write a post about all the things I love about Facebook, since it seems to be getting a bad rap lately.)  It is so hard to sit in silence, or even to just focus intensely on one task without popping over to check e-mail, immediately reading the text that just came in, etc.  I have unintentionally bought into the idea that I need to be entertained every second, and I think it really fragments my mind and makes me more shallow.  So it was good to think about carving out space away from all the distractions.

Those were my main take-away points from "Gift from the Sea" and I would encourage anyone who's looking for a good book to check it out.  So now I'm looking for another good book to read.  Any favorite books that you want to share?

Road Trip, Part One

We made it to Reno!  And it feels soooo good to be done with the car for awhile.  Here are some observations and anecdotes from the trip:

• Wyoming - has the trifecta of being the prettiest state we drove through, the least populated, and the craziest weather (hail storm).  
• Names can be deceptive - the bleakest place we stopped was called Sweet Springs.  We were hoping to stop at a cute, down-home diner, but all the storefronts on the main street were boarded up, so we ended up getting pizza from the gas station.  The nicest place we stopped was called Coalville, which was beautiful, green, and extremely pleasant.  
• Traveling with a Toddler - We got to experience the range of human emotions every time we saw a bridge or a train.  Great excitement and happiness when it was spotted; great sadness and despair when we drove by without stopping to get a good look.  Lots of "moos" and "neighs" from the back seat as we drove past cows and horses.  
• How I learned to love Walmart - Early on Sunday morning, we wanted to let Joshua burn some energy before we got back in the car, but it was too cold to walk around outside and almost everything was closed.  So we turned to the one place that is always open, where there is no judgment if your entire family walks in looking like a hot mess, and where you can loiter in a temperature controlled environment without anyone even noticing.  We pretended to be at the park by walking slowly through the garden section; we had an impromptu dance party in automotive; we did some speech practice in the produce section.  I don't love everything about Walmart, but they helped us out in a pinch.  

Overall, the trip went very well.  The kids did (mostly) great, we managed to avoid speeding tickets and terrible traffic and car trouble, and both hotels we stayed at lived up to their Expedia reviews.  So now we get to spend 6 weeks with friends and family in the Biggest Little City in the World.  Good times!

Put Your Rally Cap On

Yesterday, I went to a Nebraska Medicaid expansion rally.  For more information on what the rally was about, check out this news clip.  Bonus from behind shot of my mom, my sister, my brother, and me around 1:30:  http://www.1011now.com/home/headlines/Medicaid-Bill-Supporters-Rally-at-State-Capitol-207645271.html#.UZTt6oWXTyt

I was really excited to get to attend this rally because I am a big supporter of affordable and comprehensive health coverage for all, and I think that Medicaid is a huge part of this.  Plus, I think that it's the fiscally smart thing to do.  And I could really go on about how much I love Medicaid all day long, but that's not the point of this post, and it's not even the primary reason I was excited to get to attend the rally.  I was excited because I got to bring my kids along to the rally.  I got to expose them to a group of people who are passionate about a cause and who are taking action to help bring about social change.  Even though my kids are too young to have any idea what the rally was about, they got to be part of the whole atmosphere of people who care about health and who want to see change for the better. 

On the way over to the rally, I was talking to my mom about how some of my favorite memories growing up are doing things like that.  I remember going to political fundraisers.  (Not the fancy $50,000-a-plate event that comes to mind when you hear that phrase...in Madison County, a political fundraiser meant that the person with a fancy barn offered a buffet of pulled pork, corn on the cob, and Budweiser for the adults / lemonade for the kids.  Sometimes, there would be a live country western band performing.  It was awesome.)  I remember going door to door and handing out leaflets for politicians.  I didn't understand all the reasons why we were doing this, but I loved it, and as I got older, it made me want to be involved in the political process in various ways.  I think my parents did me a great service by including me in these events, and I hope to do the same for my kids.  I don't care if my kids' social cause of choice is Medicaid expansion, I will support them whether their leanings are liberal or conservative, and I will fully understand if they want to stay far away from party politics.  But I do hope that they grow up to be thoughtful and compassionate, and I hope they grow up to care passionately about things and that they find ways to take action on behalf of those things. 

In Defense of Christian Education

I've seen a meme floating around Facebook that shows a picture of a 4th grade science quiz.  The questions ask about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, evolution, etc., and give the student an "A" for choosing young earth, anti-evolution answers.  The commentary that goes with the picture basically makes fun of Christian education.  I went to a private Christian school from K-6 and found it to be a valuable experience, so I'm writing this post somewhat in response to the meme, and more broadly, in support of Christian education.  

Here are some of the benefits that I've seen for myself and my classmates that come from our education:

• Regarding science - I don't remember learning anything one way or the other about evolution and dinosaurs.  It may have been taught, but it certainly wasn't pounded into our brains.  What I DO remember learning about was the vastness of the universe and the complexity of the human body and the wonders of nature - and how all of that pointed to an amazing and beautiful Creator with a grand design.  Our science education was intimately tied to our faith, but not in a way that taught us dismiss science or that set religion against science.   
• The school had a very tight-knit community.  Thanks to Facebook, I am now reconnected with nearly all of my elementary school classmates and all of my elementary school teachers, and they have been among some of my most exciting finds on Facebook.  Because we had small class sizes and stayed with the same class in each grade, and because we had a belief system that united us, I think we probably grew tighter knit friendships than is typical in elementary school.  
• The school gave us a good education and encouraged us to value, not distrust, education.  Most of my classmates are college graduates and many pursued advanced degrees.  
• The vast majority of my classmates and teachers continue to be Christ followers, 25 years after our time at the school.   They are all over the map denominationally and politically, but most all of them continue to profess Christianity.  And some of them are doing really amazing things with their lives:  ministry related things, social justice related things, providing great care for their families, etc.  

Looking at this list, these are *exactly* the things I would want my child to get from a Christian education.  So do I think that every Christian should enroll their child in Christian school?   No - I think the education of your child is a very personal decision, and there are all sorts of good reasons why you might choose public school, secular private school, or home school instead.  I just think that Christian education should not be written off because one outlier school had a quiz about dinosaurs that went viral.  Are there any problems with Christian education, in my particular background or in general?  Of course.  But this post is intended to focus on the benefits, which i believe outweigh problems.  

Three Months On the Road

One of the best things about our current life stage (professor married to stay at home mom of kids who are not yet in school) is that it allows for extensive vacations.  This summer, we are taking full advantage by hitting the road for 3 months.  We are going to drive the crew (our family plus our 2 dogs) to Reno, NV, to spend time with Kenny's family.  After 6 weeks, we are going to drive to Lincoln, NE (which, conveniently, is the halfway point back to VB), and spend a month with my family.  Then, back home.  The trip will involve driving 6,000 miles (about 80 hours of drive time).  As we get ready to go on this drive, I am briefly wondering if we've gone crazy.  We are blessed to have kids and dogs who are amazingly good car travelers, and Kenny's like a machine when it comes to driving.  But it's still a pretty major task to keep everyone fed, bathroomed, rested, and happy while you're in the car all day.

We've done trips kind of like this a couple times before.  The first was our move from Reno to Virginia Beach.  We drove shorter days and had one less kid, but Joshua was in a much more complicated medical stage, which made for some interesting dilemmas.  Some of the things we dealt with on that trip  were:  his oxygen regulator broke in Cheyenne, Wyoming, so we had to track down a nearby Apria to fix the oxygen situation; one of his jaw distractors broke off in Lincoln, when we were 1500 miles away from both his old craniofacial surgeon and his new craniofacial surgeon, so we addressed the situation by emailing pictures to the doctors and getting their advice by phone; and the surgical site got an infection, so we took him to the ER in Lincoln, where the doctor who treated us had never even heard of the surgery that caused the infection.  This trip should not involve any of those kinds of complications.  We did a drive with both kids to and from Nebraska over Christmas (which was 40 total hours of drive time), and that went well, so hopefully this trip will go equally well.

There are many things I'm looking forward to about this summer:

• Spending time with our families and watching all the baby cousins get to know each other (in both cities!).  Meeting my new niece Daphne for the first time.
• Going on some dates with Kenny.  I once told Kenny that the nicest restaurant in Lincoln was Applebees, so it's always fun to prove that statement wrong.
• Reconnecting with friends and visiting our old churches.  
• So You Think You Can Dance will be broadcast this summer and I get to watch it!!
• Giving Joshua a break from his therapies.  It will be interesting to see how it affects him to to be off for 3 months (we usually have speech and feeding therapy each once per week).  It will definitely be nice for me and Zoey to get a break from that routine, and it might give Joshua some rest and renewed energy for when we get back into it.  (This will be the first time in his life, since the NICU, that he's had such an extended break from doctors and therapies, and we're grateful that he's now in a position to take 3 months off.)  
• Introducing Zoey to Lake Tahoe and the giant mining statue in Silver Legacy.  Also, taking Zoey to the Nebraska bookstore so that she can wear a giant corn hat.    
• Getting lots of pictures of it all and posting on Facebook!

We are leaving on Mother's Day, will be in Reno end of May through June, and Nebraska for July.  I will post updates throughout the summer about our travel adventures.  Hope to see many of you along the way!

On Picky Eaters

I saw a blog post yesterday about how parents should feel lucky if they have picky eaters.  It summarized the advantages of having a non-eater as this:  1) enjoy the meals you don't have to make; 2)  Enjoy your sparkling kitchen / dishes that don't need to be washed; 3) Enjoy not hearing your children whine that they are hungry.  I won't link to the site because I'm not trying to pick a fight with this particular blogger, but rather to comment on some common misconceptions about exceptionally picky eaters and what it's *really* like to have one.

• "Enjoy the meals you don't have to make" - picky eaters still eat, so you still have to prepare food for them. Whether it's a Pediasure meal to go through a G-tube, a finely chopped piece of fruit because they can't take bites of whole fruit, or Teddy Grahams (the only brand of crackers they will eat so forget about trying to sneak in a Triscuit) that don't touch the peanut butter (because you want them to learn to eat some protein but they won't eat any of it if it's touching anything else), you're still preparing meals / snacks.  In fact, you are probably preparing more because 1) you are so desperate to get calories in them that you are offering them snacks throughout the day, and 2) you eat with them as often as you can in order to model eating, but they won't eat the food that you prepare for yourself, so you are preparing at least two sets of food for every meal.
• "Dishes that don't need washing / sparkling kitchen" - again, they still eat.  And they dump LOTS of the things that they don't want on the floor.  And there are the dishes not just from the oral foods, but also from the G-tube.  Remember the days of washing and sterilizing bottles several times a day?  It's like that.  
• "small person whining 'I'm hungrry!'" - picky eaters still whine, but they whine about not wanting to try new food and not wanting to sit at the table for dinner.  And since they don't typically whine about being hungry, you have to keep them on a pretty set feeding schedule and make sure they're getting calories throughout the day, because they won't remind you.  
• If you have a picky eater, your mommy fail can never be letting the kids eat at McDonalds, because it won't work. You can never leave the house without proper food for your kid because there is no drive-thru that dishes up food that they will eat.  
• Having a picky eater is way, WAY more than a kid who won't eat broccoli.  It's having a kid who won't eat any of the things that adults so cleverly hide vegetables in (such as pasta, pancakes /breads / muffins, soups, and smoothies), and having that be the much bigger problem than the vegetable problem.  
• Helping a picky eater is a time intensive endeavor.  It involves seeing an occupational therapist every week, a pediatrician several times per year just for weight checks, and a GI and nutritionist and rehab doctor to come up with plans for how to work on the eating.  Sometimes it involves writing down every single thing they put in their mouth so that you can track calories.  It means being on close terms with a home health care provider and your  health insurance company, because they provide you the tools to get your child the supplemental nutrition that he won't eat by mouth.  
• Helping a picky eater is emotional.  You wonder whether you are doing the right things as a parent all the time.  You wonder if you should push harder or back off; whether you should get them more therapy or less; whether your efforts are helping them or hurting them, and whether they will ever have a normal relationship with food.  You sometimes feel like you have failed at the most basic task in parenting young children.  

That's my list. I'm sure others could add to it, based on their observations.  And I'm sure that I don't get some of the difficult things about having a good eater.  Zoey is showing very promising signs of being one of those mythical creatures (the "good eater"), so maybe in a year I"ll get to write a post about that.  Until then, these are my thoughts.