I had a funny conversation this weekend. I was wearing a Duke sweatshirt, and this guy came up to me and very enthusiastically said, "Did you go to Duke?" I told him I did, and then he said, "What do you do?" I told him that I stay home with my kids. The bright smile stayed on his face, but that totally ended the conversation. And that made me think to write a blog post about what it's like to be a lawyer and a stay at home mom.
When I went to undergrad and law school, it never occurred to me that I might be a stay at home mom. I wanted to have kids, but I gave very little thought to what that would mean in relation to me working. Once I found out I was pregnant, I thought about how the baby would be cared for, but this mostly consisted of touring a few daycare centers and putting a deposit down at the place that seemed like the best fit. I was open to the idea that once I met my baby, I might not want to go back to work, but I really didn't think that was going to be the case. Then, when Joshua was born with all his medical issues, it was clear that one of his parents would need to stay home with him, and it was equally clear that it made sense for that parent to be me.
So that's how I stumbled into the stay at home mom life. But now, three years later, I am glad to be a stay at home mom and glad that I didn't go back to work right away. [I want to add a little caveat here: these are just my personal reflections -- I am not trying to prescribe how things should be for every family.] I am grateful that I get to have so much influence on two little kids in their most formative years. I'm grateful that I get to be around to experience this time of rapid growth and development, where they are literally changing daily. I'm grateful that I got to be the one who nursed Joshua through his toughest months. I'm grateful that our family is able to have one parent stay at home, since for many it is not a choice. I'm grateful that I don't have to balance a law job and parenting small children, both of which are demanding and time intensive projects.
That's not to say that there are no moments where I miss being part of the professional world, but the moments are mostly about the respect that comes with being a professional as opposed to the work itself. For example, it's hard when I have to fill out forms and say that i''m "unemployed", or when I contemplate going to my college or law school class reunions only to tell old classmates and professors that I stay home with the kids, or when i wear my Duke Law shirt to a children's festival and know that everyone assumes it's my husband's shirt. The fact that these things bother me shows me that my identity is too much wrapped up in a) being a lawyer and b) what people think of me.
Also, when I i see my old classmates and co-workers accomplishing really cool things, it makes me wish i could be a part of it. (Nebraska Appleseed, i'm talking to you.)
So for the most part, I have no regrets about being temporarily out of the work force. There are definitely days where it's tough staying home with two toddlers. But when I fantasize about taking a break, i don't dream about sitting in a law office in a suit doing document review. I think about sitting on a beach with a margarita in one hand and a novel in the other, with no responsibilities and no interruptions...which is pretty much the same thing i would daydream about when i had a stressful day as a practicing lawyer.
Since I'm happy as a stay at home mom, the other natural question is whether I would have done things differently with my education if I knew ahead of time that I would stay home with the kids for awhile. I would still choose to attend law school, as I loved the few years I practiced as an attorney and I intend to practice for decades once I go back to work. I'm not sure if I would choose to attend a private school over a public school - but since I did attend private, I'm grateful for the excellent education I received and the opportunities it has provided.
I would be interested to hear from others about your thoughts on your situation balancing family and career.
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