Special Needs Sibling

Today, Zoey got a hearing test at the ENT, and it reminded me of a topic that I've had on the back burner: special needs siblings.

Zoey was extremely excited to have her first ever appointment with a specialist provider.  This is because she's been to hundreds of Joshua's appointments, where her job is to behave and help keep him happy while all the attention and concern is focused on his needs.  As adults, we understand that doctor visits and tests and surgeries and hospitalizations are at best unpleasant and at worst incredibly painful and difficult.  But young children don't understand this - what they do understand is parental time and attention.  To them, this is a huge indicator of love, and they notice when the lion's share of time and attention is going to someone else.  It's easy for me to chalk all this up to "life's not fair", which is a lesson that I do want my kids to learn.  But in the same way that "life's not fair" doesn't usually take such an extreme form in childhood as a feeding tube and a whole host of surgeries and hospitalizations like it has for Joshua, it also doesn't usually take the form of *so* much of the parent's time and attention and the family's schedule being built around addressing a different family member's needs, as it has for Zoey.  (This is less true all the time, but was big time the dynamic when she was a baby and toddler.)

So here are some things I think she's probably learning as the special needs sibling:

• Strength - It's difficult to get a big dose of life's not fair, but it can turn you into a stronger person.  Zoey gets plenty of love and attention from lots of family members - she is by no means a neglected child - but it takes strength for a young child to handle a lot of the family's schedule and attention going to the sibling.  Special needs siblings are strong because they have to be, and sometimes that's a real bummer -- but the strength they develop will benefit them in the long run.
• Flexibility and creativity - Sometimes plans change.  Sometimes it's super boring to be at an appointment for 2 hours where most of it is spent waiting around.  Zoey has developed a hilarious exam room dance, which of course incorporates her trademark camoflauge rope, that keeps all of us entertained until the doctor walks in.  Both of the kids have had to learn creative ways to deal with boredom, which is an increasingly rare skill in our overstimulated world.   
• Compassion and empathy - As Zoey gets older, she understands more and more that it's no fun to be the one getting a shot, or an MRI, or an ER visit.  She is learning to empathize with these difficult experiences.  She has seen that Josh has a different way of eating, that he can get fixated on particular interests, that transitions are extra hard - but he's still her best friend and her favorite playmate.  I'm hoping that as she gets older, this will translate into a greater level of openness, compassion, and empathy towards people who are different from her in all sorts of different ways.  

Special needs siblings don't always get credit for the experience they go through, but their role in the family can turn them into tough cookies, kind friends, and amazing human beings.

(By the way -- the reason Zoey got a hearing test is because she is receiving speech therapy at school and hearing tests are a standard recommendation for a kid who receives speech therapy.  Her hearing tested normal.  I was hesitant to start Zoey in speech because I wasn't sure she needed it and I didn't want to add an activity to our calendar that I would have to drag her to against her will.  I was totally wrong about that second concern.  Zoey (as well as Josh) LOVES therapy.  She loves her therapist, she loves the fun activities they get to do, and she loves the individual attention she receives.  At one point, Zoey said she liked speech therapy as much as she likes going to Lake Tahoe.  I think Zoey's love of therapy is a little bit related to the main content of this post, but it's mostly about the awesome job that the therapists do of making it fun for the kids.  Now she just wants to know when she gets to start occupational therapy, haha.)