On gratitude

As Thanksgiving approaches, I've been thinking about ways to be more intentional about thankfulness.  I struggle with gratitude.  I tend to spend lots of time worrying or distracting myself, both of which are major roadblocks to leading a grateful life.  But I would love to be a more thankful person, so I'm trying to come up with good strategies to work towards that goal.  Here are ideas I've come up with (**warning:  this post has lots of "inspirational" pins, which i love, but i know some people find annoying, so my apologies if you are one of the people who gets annoyed by them**):

Living in the present:  Everyone else seems to love fall, but autumn gives me the blues.  I love the long, hot, lazy days of summer.  It makes me sad as the sun sets earlier, the air gets cooler, the leaves fall off the trees, and we slowly march towards winter.  BUT, i do like the things that everyone gets so excited about in September:  college football, Pumpkin Spice lattes, a perfect 70 degree day, and hay rack rides.  So, for me, autumn is always a good exercise in being grateful for the good things in your life at this moment rather than worrying about difficulties around the corner.

Gratitude journal - this is where I keep a list of all the big and little things that i'm grateful for, and try to add a few items each day.  I try to make these entries very specific and very personal to me, because if you're not careful, this can get to feel a little bit like a gift book you see while browsing in the checkout line at Barnes and Noble.  (You start writing things like, "I am grateful for the sound of crickets chirping at dusk.")  But it can also turn into a great record of your blessings.

Remembering the past and being grateful for progress- Right now, my life feels somewhat mundane - like every day is the same routine of snacks, park time, diapers, and naps.  But then I think back to the past few Septembers, and I realize what a blessing it is to have a mundane month. Three years ago, I was scheduled for 4 trials and set to go into labor any day - life was highly stressful.  Two years ago, we had just moved to Virginia, so we had to unpack and settle into a whole new life; meanwhile, a hurricane blew through town, and we had to fly Joshua across the country for a surgery and there were some difficulties with his oxygen situation - life was highly stressful.  Last year, Zoey had just been born and cried for hours every night, we had just moved houses, and Joshua broke his leg and was showing some red flags for autism - once again, life was highly stressful.  This September, there were no major health crises, no new house, new job, or new town, and no scary storms; life is not highly stressful.  I'm taking a moment to be grateful that mundane means the absence of extreme stress and difficulty.  

Reflecting on the great blessings of living in our particular time and place in history -- Last weekend, I had a nice little Saturday (pardon the Old School reference) - I took the kids to the park, drove over to the library to check out some books, and listened to "Wait Wait Don't Tell Me" as I drove around running these errands.  What a pleasure to live in a country where we have enough abundance that things like parks and libraries are part of the basic government package; where people donate money to provide entertaining radio programming; and where I have the safety and leisure time to do these things.  

Spending time with people I'm grateful for - this can be people I know really well who make me feel understood and loved, or it can be people I don't know so well, but the way they conduct their life makes me feel grateful that I get to know them and inspired to be more like them.  

Reflecting on my faith -  The hope of the Gospel is the major reason I have to feel grateful, even when life is really hard.  I believe that God made me, that He is with me during hard times, that He has redeemed me, and that He is giving me an eternal hope.  And it's impossible not to feel grateful when I really internalize this.  

What would you add to this list?

Political Rant on why we shouldn't put type-of-food limits on Food Stamps

I posted on Facebook about how the House just passed a bill making drastic cuts to the SNAP (food stamp) program, and got some interesting responses from people.  A common theme was the desire to see limits to the type of food people can purchase with their Food Stamps.  I like the idea of offering classes on making and preparing healthy foods, and I would also be on board with financially incentivizing the healthiest foods.  But I think it's ultimately best to let people make their own food choices for the following reasons:

1)  Where do you draw the line on what and how much to limit?  Are we more concerned about price or health?  Why is it okay to put paternalistic limits on this distribution of government money but not others?

Let's assume we're concerned about health -- If we make people buy fresh produce, will it have to be organic?  Locally grown?  Are we going to set up cameras in the kitchen to make sure that people bake rather than fry, use olive oil rather than vegetable oil, finish up the last veggies on their plate before they start in on dessert (which they got from the local Rescue Mission because we won't allow them to actually purchase a fresh dessert of their choice from the grocery store)?  I would go nuts if I couldn't get my weekly sugar fix from the grocery store.

Let's assume we're concerned about price -- can people buy any meat at all, or should all protein come from beans?  Can they get canned beans, or only dry?  Why don't we just give people some seeds and require them to grow and harvest their own food, because this would be a lot more economical.  Or we could just recognize that people on Food Stamps have a very limited budget (around $1 per meal) and so if they are choosing to splurge on one thing, then they are choosing to scrimp and save on other things.

I am not on Food stamps, but I do receive a chunk of money from the government each year in the form of the Home Mortgage Interest Deduction.  I would be super annoyed if the government told me that I could only spend that money in ways that were healthy and/or financially prudent.  For the most part, I do try to make healthy and financially prudent decisions, but I want the freedom to decide
how to do that and when to make exceptions. For example, I bought a pumpkin spice latte today.  I could've made myself a cup of Folger's coffee at home for 1/100th of the price (and probably also 1/100th of the calories), but I decided that this was a good way to spend my money today.  If the latte would've been paid for by the tax deduction, does it seem reasonable for the government to step in and say:  "This Pumpkin Spice Latte is a bad choice, health wise and financially, so we aren't going to allow you to buy this".  And if that doesn't seem reasonable, then why is it different with Food Stamps?

2)  We don't know people's situations and we can't necessarily assume that we would make better choices for their family than they do.  

I spent the year after college living on a very limited budget, so I understand and agree with those of you who suggested that it's possible to eat reasonably healthy on a Food Stamps sized budget.  But I was able to eat healthily for a lot of reasons - I had a steady home situation that included a place for me to store and refrigerate food, cooking implements and appliances that allowed me to prepare it, and roommates who encouraged and helped train me in homemade food preparation.  This is not necessarily true if you are  living with different friends every week, living in a weekly motel, or living out of your car.  You may not have grown up in a home where food was freshly prepared and you might not have a clue how to do it.  You may have family members who, because of allergies or medical conditions, have a diet that is severely restricted in surprising and expensive ways.  You may decide to blow a week's worth of Food Stamps on a fancy birthday cake for your child because you know how much the birthday means to the child and you know that you can access a week's worth of food at the soup kitchen - and this decision might be the absolutely best decision for your family.

I seem to be in the minority in opposing food choice limits on Food Stamps.  Is there anyone who agrees with me?  Help a sister out and add your reasons in the comments.

My Favorite shows on Netflix

I wanted to lighten things up a bit this week, and you can't get much lighter than talking about your favorite tv shows!  Kenny and I watch television through Netflix streaming rather than a cable package.  We made this switch about three years ago, and it's amazing what a good substitute Netflix has been (and for a fraction of the cost!).  They have a good variety of shows, you can watch them at your convenience, and there are no commercials.  We do miss some things, especially live sports, but overall Netflix has served our viewing needs very well.  Now that my infomercial for Netflix is over, here are my favorite shows that are available on streaming right now.

Best dramas:

1. Friday Night Lights - This is that most rare thing:  a show where the television spin-off is better than the movie AND the book.  I grew up in Nebraska, where high school football is king, so I identified with the atmosphere of this show.  The thing that hooked me, however, is not my history of growing up in football country, but rather the interesting, likeable characters.  You will root for the underdog players on the team, you will initially hate but grow to love some of the town folk, and you will want to be (or be closely linked to someone like) the Taylors.  Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose!
2. Grey's Anatomy - I watched the first six seasons of this show when Joshua had just been discharged from the NICU and Kenny and I were taking turns pulling all-nighters with him.  It was interesting to watch a medical drama at that point because sometimes you are mad ("they are getting all these particular details of xyz  medical procedure wrong!"), and sometimes you are sad or sentimental because you identify.  Grey's is primarily a relationship-driven soap opera with a few medical things thrown in each episode to lend authenticity, so it was mostly escapist despite appearing in a very surface way to be closely linked to our life.  Grey's seems to get a little more outrageous every season, but that's part of the fun.  
3. Parenthood - Four adult siblings navigate family, career, and their relationships.  It's a show about plain old life when you're in your thirties.  Except that everyone is beautiful and has an insanely interesting job and gorgeous house and lives in Berkeley. 
4. West Wing - This show is (IMHO) the best thing on Netflix and maybe the best television series ever created.  It's the full package:  a behind the scenes look at life in the White House, a story arc that extends across seasons (but also creates satisfying plot arcs in each episode), and characters that you really care about (and a President you wish you could vote for, and an administration you wish you worked in). 

Best comedies (I won't describe these except to say that the first three are extremely hit or miss, but when they hit, it's with the power of a Mack Truck on steroids):

1. Portlandia
2. 30 Rock
3. Parks and Rec
4. The Office 

Best Reality:

1. Cake Boss - I can neither explain nor defend this pick, but if you dig fondant and cartoonish reality stars, than this show might be for you.  

So those are my picks.  What are your favorite shows right now?

Updates on Joshua

In my last blog post, I listed some stuff that was going on with Joshua.  We went to all the appointments, so I have updates on everything.

Eating:  The nutritionist was happy with Joshua's calorie intake and bumped us down from 18 ounces (540 calories) to 12 ounces (360 calories) of Pediasure per day.  Our calorie goal for him is to consume at least 1,000 calories per day, so he will now be getting about 2/3rds - 3/4ths of his calories by mouth.  We will continue feeding therapy once per week to try to help him learn to eat a broader range of food.  So we still have some work to do before we can seriously discuss removing the feeding tube, but we are moving in the right direction.

Snoring:  The pediatrician believes that Joshua's snoring, drooling, and coughing is related to allergies and asthma triggered by the change of seasons.  She put him back on 5 medicines and they seem to be working.  (This is a huge relief because if the snoring wasn't allergy and asthma related, then we might have been looking at surgery and/or oxygen again.)  We will see the craniofacial team in a week to see if we need to take any further steps.

School:  Joshua did qualify for developmental preschool through the public school system, so he will start attending school 3 hours per day, 5 days per week in October.  I'm feeling pretty nervous about this, as he still sometimes has a hard time tolerating an hour of church nursery.  But I'm hoping that this will be a gentle setting, so even though 15 hours per week is a lot of time for a 3 year old, hopefully it will ease him into the other aspects of school.  It's a language intensive program and his main delay is speech, so that should be a great fit.  If things don't work out, we will just pull him from school, get him therapy services privately, and maybe try again next year.  (As an aside:  sometime I might blog about the whole IEP process, what it's like to be a parent rather than a professional in that setting, and what it's like to be the helicopter parent who is probably making all the teachers roll their eyes.)

We now have a 5 day stretch with no appointments, so we kicked it off today with a Pumpkin Pie donut and a morning at the beach, both of which were lovely.  I hope you all have a nice weekend!

On Having a Special Needs Kid v. a Medically Typical Kid

This is the last of my 3 parenting reflection posts (the others are here and here), and this one is by far the most emotional for me.  There's no way I can give full justice to this topic in a blog post - this is just a few brief thoughts, plus a brief update on Joshua at the end.

Day to Day

• On one hand - Being a parent is hard work no matter what, no matter how many kids you have, no matter if you're working or not, no matter if you're the mother or the father.  (This post describes that well.)  I learned with Zoey that medically typical kids are fully capable of taking all the energy you've got.  Kudos to all the parents out there - you're all working hard.
• On the other hand - Being a special needs parent is like having a full time job on top of the regular parenting gig.  You attend hundreds of hours of appointments each year with specialist doctors, therapists, and other health care workers.  You learn how to do specialized medical procedures that would normally be done by a doctor or nurse.  You keep meticulous track of little things like food intake and medicine schedules.  
• Someday, when I am interviewing for jobs and asked to explain how my "gap years" as a stay at home mom will affect my future job performance as a lawyer, I will tell them about how I had to read through insurance policies with a fine tooth comb and file appeals; how I had to research different procedures that I knew very little about and try to decide between alternative courses of treatment, none of which were perfect; how I had to keep track of a complex and ever changing fact pattern (my son's medical history); and how I had to advocate for my son when the doctors treated him like just another thing on their to-do list.  

Worries

• This might be stating the obvious, but when your kid is experiencing acute health trouble, your stress and worry level is through the roof.  I thought I knew about worry when I moved out of state for college, when I graduated law school without a job, when I took the bar exam...but those things were *nothing* compared to what it's like waiting for your baby as he goes through major surgery.
• More surprising to me is this:  Joshua's health is better than it has ever been, but the worry is still there, right below the surface, always ready to rear its ugly face when a new issue arises. Joshua's had good health for the last year, but there have been a few stretches where health concerns have come up and it feels like you're back at square one, in full panic mode.  
• I worry about Zoey, too - I hate it when she gets a bump on her head, or when her fever spikes above 100 - but it's different.  I've never had to worry that something happening to her is going to lead to surgery or hospitalization or have other serious long term health consequences.    

Development

• It's remarkable to see how naturally things fall into place for medically typical kids, and conversely, how much work it takes to get a skill in place if it is somehow missed during the normal course of development.  It's amazing how interdependent early development is.  For example, if you learn to eat solid foods in the typical way, then you get fine motor practice (picking up Cheerios with a pincer grasp, using a spoon to scoop your mashed veggies) and you strengthen your oral motor muscles for speech as you chew.  If you are delayed with eating, then you might end up being delayed in fine motor and speech as well, since these skills are all interrelated.  And all of early development is like that.  If you get behind, it takes a lot of work to get caught up.  

Other

• Special needs parenting makes you realize right away how deep your love for your child is because they are immediately threatened.  You love all your children instantly, whether medically typical or special needs.  But you develop a deep bond with the special needs child because they have a particular vulnerability caused by the needs of their body, and helping and protecting them through their difficult experiences creates a unique and strong relationship.  
• Special needs parenting impacts your faith, your relationships with others, your ability to work, your finances, and your day to day life.  Parenting in general affects these things, too, but special needs parenting turns your whole world upside down in these areas.  

Like I said, these thoughts just scratch the surface.  Other special needs parents who are reading this, please weigh in with your thoughts.  Since I'm talking about special needs, here's some of the health stuff that's going on with Joshua this week.

Specific stuff going on with Joshua now:

• Joshua has an appointment with his nutritionist tomorrow.  We have been going through the slow process of weaning him from his feeding tube for the last year, and she is the one who tells us whether we can decrease the amount of food that he takes by tube.  She does this by checking his food intake (both number of calories and nutritional content).  He has gained weight and increased his oral calorie intake, but he still eats a very narrow range of food (mostly fruit and dairy, no table foods), so it's hard to guess what she will say.  Right now, he gets about half of his calories by mouth and half of his calories by tube. 
• Joshua has been snoring and having some other breathing issues when he sleeps, so we are checking in with our pediatrician this week and with the craniofacial team later this month.  We are really hoping that the breathing issues are related to allergies and can be solved with medicine.  Joshua hasn't had any significant problems with sleep apnea since he was 12 months old, so we are hoping this is an unusual and solvable anomaly.
• Joshua has an IEP Eligibility meeting on Wednesday, where he will presumably qualify for developmental preschool.  I am kind of freaking out about this (he seems so young to be starting school at all, let alone 15 hours a week!), but I am also grateful for the opportunity to treat developmental delays intensively at an early age so that he has a much better chance of being "caught up" by the time he hits grade school.  

I will do a post next week about how all the appointments this week turned out. 

On Having a Boy v. a Girl

Today's topic is my thoughts on how having a girl is different than having a boy.  Disclaimer: this is a post about my feelings on it, as there is very little difference between an infant boy and and infant girl (except that Zoey has twice as many clothes as Joshua did).  If I still have a blog in 18 years (if blogs are still a thing in 18 years), I will write another post about actual differences as opposed to projected differences. And I would love to read comments from any readers who have already raised boys and/or girls about their thoughts on the differences.

When I found out we were having a girl, I was scared about the following things:

• As a general rule, the world is tougher on women - The world puts big and sometimes contradictory expectations on women as far as body image, having a strong enough but not "too" strong personality, pursuing both career and family, and making it all look effortless.   I was scared of bringing a girl into a world that expects her to fill these big shoes.  
• What if she is nothing like me?  I'm not into traditionally girly things like tea parties, princesses, and makeup.  I wasn't sure how I was going to relate to my daughter if she turned out to be a girly girl.  
• What if she is exactly like me?  I was nervous about having a same gender child because I think it makes me the primary role model for her, and there are things about myself that I hope she doesn't emulate.  

Now that she's born and I've had a year to adjust to being the mother of a daughter, I feel more hopeful and less fearful.  Here's how I feel about those same things:

• Regarding big expectations: I see opportunities to help shape how she thinks about body image, self esteem, etc.   To steer her towards positive things (for me growing up, those things were Christ, sports, and academics) and away from negative things that will tear her down.  (Here's a great article on how to talk to your daughter about her body.)  Also, it's funny how life works out - the things you think you should be worried about are rarely the right things to be worried about.  Zoey has the kind of personality that should enable her to get along very well in the world.  She's mostly a happy, easy-going girl, but she's also great at advocating for herself if something is wrong (right now, in the form of screaming).  Joshua has a much more tender personality, so I worry more about the world hurting my son than I worry about the world hurting my daughter.
• Regarding makup and tea parties:  We'll see if she's even interested in those things.  If she is, I will learn about them.  I knew and cared very little about bridges before Joshua was born, but now I've watched documentaries on the Golden Gate Bridge, walked or driven over every bridge in Reno and Lincoln, and learned the verses to "London Bridge is Falling Down".  You learn about what your kid is interested in, and you understand that it's a passing phase and next year they will be on to something else.  (By the way, if the girliness goes beyond my abilities, then I will call in reinforcements.  I'm talking to you, Aunt Michaela, Aunt Esther, and Aunt Naomi.)
• Regarding primary role modeling:  While it's still scary, I think having a same gender child is also special - you can identify with and understand them in a more intimate way than with the opposite gender child.  I know what it's like to be a teenage girl, but not a teenage boy; I know what it's like to think about balancing career and family from a female perspective, but not from male; etc.  Which is not to say that I love Zoey more than I love Joshua - just that there will probably be many moments in the future where I can understand her challenges and triumphs better because I've been through those same sorts of things myself.  And as far as her copying things about me that I don't like?  It's good motivation to try to fix the things about myself that I don't like, and also a good reminder that we all have faults and all need grace.  

One final thought:  In the last couple generations, women hoped that their daughters would have the opportunities that they never had.  I grew up with many opportunities, with tons of encouragement, and with the idea that I could do whatever I wanted to do.  So my hope is that I can raise my daughter with the same opportunities and encouragements that I received.

On Having Two Under Two

Zoey celebrated her first birthday last week.  Her transition into toddlerhood has made me think about a few things, so I'm writing a short series of parenting posts over the next few weeks.  The first one is my thoughts on raising two kids under age two.

People say the first year of having two (or more) young kids is hard, but the year is really more of an ebb and flow.  Here's the timeline as I experienced it:

• First 4 months:  Off the hook crazy.  Parents and kids are both getting used to the new family dynamic, baby is waking several times in the night to eat, baby wants to be held throughout the day, and toddler is still young enough to need help and attention constantly.  The basic goal during these months is survival.  
• Months 5-7:  Blissful reprieve!  The baby is (sometimes) sleeping through the night and (sometimes) content to just sit and play. Toddler is more used to baby and parents are more used to parenting multiple kids.  The baby can't move, so you can leave them in a room for a minute to go do something else and not worry about them tearing the place apart or falling down the stairs.  
• Months 8-12:  Return to crazy, but much less so than the newborn months.  Baby starts moving and getting into everything, so baby needs to be monitored constantly.  Also, baby moving means that toddler and baby have to learn to start sharing toys, which is a tough lesson for both of them. 

Here are some pros and cons of closely spacing children:

Pros of Having Closely Spaced Children:

• If you want to stay home with young kids and then get back to work when the kids are in school, it maximizes your working years to space them close together.  
• You get through the baby phase quickly.  I've been very pleasantly surprised how much I love having my own babies (as you may have seen by my frequent posts on Facebook), but I'm really not a baby person.  I loved both of my kids from the moment they were born, but I enjoy them more as they get older and have some ability to interact.  
• It makes life easier to have kids in the same stage of life.  So right now, our stage is diapers and naps.  Later, it will be shuttling kids around to after school activities.  
• Along the same lines, closely spaced kids are natural playmates.  As Zoey is starting to say a few words, she and Joshua are good role models for each other with speech development.  They enjoy the same kinds of toys (which leads to fights, but also teaches sharing).  They get excited when the other one is around.  
• You become a PRO at multi-tasking and hustling through chores when you have a spare moment.  Also, it makes a trip to the grocery store by yourself feel like a trip to the spa.  

Cons:

• At this young age, both the older kid and the younger kid are very needy.  Sometimes, they both urgently need things at the same time, and it's impossible to help them both instantly.
• Both kids are exhausting:  infants are physically exhausting; toddlers are more mentally exhausting.
• You very rarely have time for just yourself or your spouse (this is not so much a spacing issue).

One really good lesson I learned from having two kids;

• When you just have one kid, it's easy to feel like it's your credit if they do something well and your fault if they do something poorly.  Once you've raised two kids with essentially the same parenting style, you see how it's very much not about you.  If your kid is a great sleeper, or a picky eater, or shy, or never sits still, it's probably just because they were born that way.  Of course kids need some things (love, discipline, provision of basic needs) -- but it's kind of a relief to know that, for better or for worse, my kids' strengths and weaknesses are largely not about me.  

In conclusion, I will say that we would definitely do this spacing again.  Things have already calmed down now that we are rolling into the second year, and the pros of close spacing definitely outweigh the cons for our family.  I would be interested to hear your thoughts on spacing kids!