On Having a Boy v. a Girl

Today's topic is my thoughts on how having a girl is different than having a boy.  Disclaimer: this is a post about my feelings on it, as there is very little difference between an infant boy and and infant girl (except that Zoey has twice as many clothes as Joshua did).  If I still have a blog in 18 years (if blogs are still a thing in 18 years), I will write another post about actual differences as opposed to projected differences. And I would love to read comments from any readers who have already raised boys and/or girls about their thoughts on the differences.

When I found out we were having a girl, I was scared about the following things:

• As a general rule, the world is tougher on women - The world puts big and sometimes contradictory expectations on women as far as body image, having a strong enough but not "too" strong personality, pursuing both career and family, and making it all look effortless.   I was scared of bringing a girl into a world that expects her to fill these big shoes.  
• What if she is nothing like me?  I'm not into traditionally girly things like tea parties, princesses, and makeup.  I wasn't sure how I was going to relate to my daughter if she turned out to be a girly girl.  
• What if she is exactly like me?  I was nervous about having a same gender child because I think it makes me the primary role model for her, and there are things about myself that I hope she doesn't emulate.  

Now that she's born and I've had a year to adjust to being the mother of a daughter, I feel more hopeful and less fearful.  Here's how I feel about those same things:

• Regarding big expectations: I see opportunities to help shape how she thinks about body image, self esteem, etc.   To steer her towards positive things (for me growing up, those things were Christ, sports, and academics) and away from negative things that will tear her down.  (Here's a great article on how to talk to your daughter about her body.)  Also, it's funny how life works out - the things you think you should be worried about are rarely the right things to be worried about.  Zoey has the kind of personality that should enable her to get along very well in the world.  She's mostly a happy, easy-going girl, but she's also great at advocating for herself if something is wrong (right now, in the form of screaming).  Joshua has a much more tender personality, so I worry more about the world hurting my son than I worry about the world hurting my daughter.
• Regarding makup and tea parties:  We'll see if she's even interested in those things.  If she is, I will learn about them.  I knew and cared very little about bridges before Joshua was born, but now I've watched documentaries on the Golden Gate Bridge, walked or driven over every bridge in Reno and Lincoln, and learned the verses to "London Bridge is Falling Down".  You learn about what your kid is interested in, and you understand that it's a passing phase and next year they will be on to something else.  (By the way, if the girliness goes beyond my abilities, then I will call in reinforcements.  I'm talking to you, Aunt Michaela, Aunt Esther, and Aunt Naomi.)
• Regarding primary role modeling:  While it's still scary, I think having a same gender child is also special - you can identify with and understand them in a more intimate way than with the opposite gender child.  I know what it's like to be a teenage girl, but not a teenage boy; I know what it's like to think about balancing career and family from a female perspective, but not from male; etc.  Which is not to say that I love Zoey more than I love Joshua - just that there will probably be many moments in the future where I can understand her challenges and triumphs better because I've been through those same sorts of things myself.  And as far as her copying things about me that I don't like?  It's good motivation to try to fix the things about myself that I don't like, and also a good reminder that we all have faults and all need grace.  

One final thought:  In the last couple generations, women hoped that their daughters would have the opportunities that they never had.  I grew up with many opportunities, with tons of encouragement, and with the idea that I could do whatever I wanted to do.  So my hope is that I can raise my daughter with the same opportunities and encouragements that I received.

On Having Two Under Two

Zoey celebrated her first birthday last week.  Her transition into toddlerhood has made me think about a few things, so I'm writing a short series of parenting posts over the next few weeks.  The first one is my thoughts on raising two kids under age two.

People say the first year of having two (or more) young kids is hard, but the year is really more of an ebb and flow.  Here's the timeline as I experienced it:

• First 4 months:  Off the hook crazy.  Parents and kids are both getting used to the new family dynamic, baby is waking several times in the night to eat, baby wants to be held throughout the day, and toddler is still young enough to need help and attention constantly.  The basic goal during these months is survival.  
• Months 5-7:  Blissful reprieve!  The baby is (sometimes) sleeping through the night and (sometimes) content to just sit and play. Toddler is more used to baby and parents are more used to parenting multiple kids.  The baby can't move, so you can leave them in a room for a minute to go do something else and not worry about them tearing the place apart or falling down the stairs.  
• Months 8-12:  Return to crazy, but much less so than the newborn months.  Baby starts moving and getting into everything, so baby needs to be monitored constantly.  Also, baby moving means that toddler and baby have to learn to start sharing toys, which is a tough lesson for both of them. 

Here are some pros and cons of closely spacing children:

Pros of Having Closely Spaced Children:

• If you want to stay home with young kids and then get back to work when the kids are in school, it maximizes your working years to space them close together.  
• You get through the baby phase quickly.  I've been very pleasantly surprised how much I love having my own babies (as you may have seen by my frequent posts on Facebook), but I'm really not a baby person.  I loved both of my kids from the moment they were born, but I enjoy them more as they get older and have some ability to interact.  
• It makes life easier to have kids in the same stage of life.  So right now, our stage is diapers and naps.  Later, it will be shuttling kids around to after school activities.  
• Along the same lines, closely spaced kids are natural playmates.  As Zoey is starting to say a few words, she and Joshua are good role models for each other with speech development.  They enjoy the same kinds of toys (which leads to fights, but also teaches sharing).  They get excited when the other one is around.  
• You become a PRO at multi-tasking and hustling through chores when you have a spare moment.  Also, it makes a trip to the grocery store by yourself feel like a trip to the spa.  

Cons:

• At this young age, both the older kid and the younger kid are very needy.  Sometimes, they both urgently need things at the same time, and it's impossible to help them both instantly.
• Both kids are exhausting:  infants are physically exhausting; toddlers are more mentally exhausting.
• You very rarely have time for just yourself or your spouse (this is not so much a spacing issue).

One really good lesson I learned from having two kids;

• When you just have one kid, it's easy to feel like it's your credit if they do something well and your fault if they do something poorly.  Once you've raised two kids with essentially the same parenting style, you see how it's very much not about you.  If your kid is a great sleeper, or a picky eater, or shy, or never sits still, it's probably just because they were born that way.  Of course kids need some things (love, discipline, provision of basic needs) -- but it's kind of a relief to know that, for better or for worse, my kids' strengths and weaknesses are largely not about me.  

In conclusion, I will say that we would definitely do this spacing again.  Things have already calmed down now that we are rolling into the second year, and the pros of close spacing definitely outweigh the cons for our family.  I would be interested to hear your thoughts on spacing kids!

We made it home!

We are officially home after our 3 month trip across the United States.  It feels good to be back!  Here are some thoughts about the last stretch of road trip and what it feels like to be gone for so long and then get back:

• East side v. West side of flyover country:  there is a huge difference between the eastern and western halves of the (non-coastal) United States.  The East is WAY more populated, which means you see lots of cities, you have to plan for rush hour traffic at different points, the beauty comes more in bursts, and you encounter significantly different regional cultures from state to state.  The West is barren of both people and trees - I believe there is only one city with more than 60,000 people in the entire stretch from Lincoln to Reno - which means you view landscape as far as the eye can see (which is sometimes stunningly beautiful and sometimes eerily desolate), you have to think about whether you will make it to the next gas station if you are anywhere below half a tank of gas, and there is a more universal cowboy / frontier feel to it all.  
• House sitters:  We had house sitters stay in our house, which fortunately worked out very well, but it's funny to notice the little changes they have made.  Some are nice / embarrassing (they organized the chaotic pots and pans cupboard!); some are puzzling (where did the sharp knives go?); and some are funny (they used the kids' refrigerator magnet letters to spell out Latin phrases).  
• A second chance at a first impression:  when you walk into your house after such a long time away, it's almost like you're seeing it for the first time.  This combined with just coming from both of our parents' very comfortable homes inspired us to make some changes - hanging up pictures, putting down area rugs, rearranging some furniture.  And by us, I mean Kenny.  (I am very happy with the changes, but Kenny is more the doer in our family.)
• My favorite room:  it's nice to have my kitchen back.  We are at the stage in life where meals and snacks are constantly being prepared, consumed, or cleaned up.  It's nice to bring that mess and chaos back to our own house.  Thanks to my mom and mother in law for being so patient and gracious with us as we commandeered each of your kitchens for several weeks.  
• One more thought:  When you're traveling around the country, you can only take what will fit in your car.  This means that you leave *most* of your stuff behind.  And by and large, you do fine without a closet full of clothes, the extra bins of toys, and all the gadgets and electronics and appliances that make life a little easier / more entertaining / more luxurious.  (Granted, one of the reasons it was so easy was because we were able to borrow some of these things from our parents.)  It makes me realize how much less I could live with (and makes me want to clean out my closet), but it also makes me hugely grateful for the stuff to which we are returning.  

It was great to see so many of you during our travels!  

The Good Life Highlights

Our time in Lincoln is sadly drawing to a close.  We will head back to Virginia on Friday.  We have some fun events planned this week, but we are in the homestretch of our summer of travel.  I will write a post some time in the future about what it's like to be on the road for three months, but this one will focus on Nebraska highlights, which were:

• Seeing friends and family old and new, near and far.  
• Reading Willa Cather's "O Pioneers" while being in Nebraska.  My Grandma Eileen loved Willa Cather, and she once told me that she skipped over the dialogue and just read the descriptions of the prairies.  I was in high school at the time and couldn't think of anything more boring, but now I get how beautiful both Cather's writing and the Nebraska prairies actually are.  
• Visiting our former church, Grace Chapel.  It's always such a blessing to experience their worship and sermons.  
• Lots of family togetherness --   
• All three of my siblings live in Lincoln, so we were able to have gatherings at houses all over town. Mitchell just moved into his first apartment this weekend, so we get to help him housewarm this week. 
• My sister Michaela is also a stay at home mom with a 2 year old son and a baby daughter, so we have quite a lot in common right now.  We were able to get together and do kid-friendly outings almost every day, which makes the stay at home mom gig so much more fun.  
• My brother Eric is in his first year practicing law, so it was fun to talk to him about that and reminisce (since I am [not] such a senior to him, with 3.5 years of practice plus 2 years removed).  
• Watching the toddler cousins play together is fun, and has been good for Joshua's development.  
• My parents have graciously hosted us for 5 weeks, which has included lots of babysitting, cooked meals, and help on outings.  

• Kenny was in France for 3 weeks, so it made me appreciate all that he brings to our family.  I understood before that he helps out, but i appreciate much more how much laughter, practical help, emotional support, and joy he brings to our family because i experienced the absence of it for 3 weeks.  
• Visiting my grandparents
• We spent lots of time at the pool, so Joshua's and Zoey's water preparedness has majorly increased and my tan has minorly increased.  
• Lincoln feels like home.  This is the place where, when i run over to the grocery store, I run into random people I know from ten years ago; where I know in great detail what's going on with local politics and development; and where i feel, culturally, that these are the people who are most like me.  
• And finally, an upcoming highlight:  Zoey has her first birthday on Wednesday!  Pictures forthcoming.  

Goooooo  Biiiiig Reeeed.  (GO! BIG! RED!)

Two Book Recommendations

I haven't been doing as much reading as usual this summer, but I've worked my way through a few books, and these picks were two of my faves.  They were both long (700+ pages in the case of the second one), but very readable.  Without further ado, here they are:

The Interestings is a fiction book about six friends who meet at an artsy summer camp and ironically name themselves "The Interestings".  The book follows these friends through four decades of life.  Some of them successfully pursue an artistic career, while others pursue practical jobs; some strike it rich, others struggle to pay the bills; some stay friends, others drift apart from the group.  The book deals with class issues, envy, and how friendships can be tricky when friends are differently situated as far as money and power.  This book will not change your life, but it's a fun and smart commentary on modern American culture.
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Far From the Tree is a non-fiction book that explores families with children that are "exceptional" (meaning, in this book, different from their parent and from mainstream society in a really significant way).  It describes how parents deal with having an exceptional child and how children handle being exceptional.  It also explores and challenges perceptions of identity and illness (and whether something can be both).

Solomon writes chapters on these 10 categories:  deaf, dwarfism, Down's Syndrome, autism, schizophrenia, multiple severe disabilities, prodigies, children who commit crime, children conceived in rape, and transgender.  In each chapter, he gives a brief description of the identity or illness, then interviews families who fit in this category.  It is fascinating to see how much overlap there is in the experience of the parents across the categories, since the identities / disabilities themselves are pretty different from each other.  In most cases, the parents feel like they've gotten stronger and become a better person for having parented a special needs child, they love their child fiercely, but they are exhausted from the constant effort to meet the special needs of their child in a world that's designed for mainstream kids.

I think this book would be most interesting to 1.  People with an Input strength  - if
you like to learn information just because it's interesting, then this book is totally for you; and 2.  people with a special needs child, because you will identify with many of the experiences and feelings described.  I fit in both of these categories, so I loved reading about the stuff I know absolutely nothing about (such as limb lengthening surgery for dwarfs and the debate over whether cochlear inplants are causing a cultural genocide), and the stuff I know quite a bit about (such as feeding tubes and Early Intervention).

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I'm always looking for more book recommendations, so let me know what you've enjoyed reading recently.  

The More Things Change, The More They Stay the Same

This weekend, we visited my grandparents' house.  They live out in the country in central Nebraska, on an acre of land sandwiched between corn fields and farms.  My grandparents have lived in the same house, which my grandfather built, for 35 years.  They are practical and frugal, and they emphasize simple living and time in nature.  I love to spend time at their house - it's very peaceful and relaxing.  

That's a little background to help you understand why I find it so funny when their lifestyle, which has been the same for decades, coincides with modern trends.  My favorite example is trucker hats.  My grandpa has a better collection of these bad boys than Ashton Kutcher.  Grandpa wears them because they provide sun shade and good ventilation.  When I was a teenager, I borrowed some of his hats so that I could look as awesome as my favorite celebrities.    

Here are four ways my grandparents are inadvertently trendsetting now:

1.  Food - My grandparents grow most of their produce in their enormous garden.  This means that much of the food we eat at their house is fresh, locally grown, sustainable, organic, and seasonal.  My grandma makes all breads, pasta, and dessert from scratch.  We often have homemade ice cream and homemade donuts.  Nothing comes from a box; nothing contains preservatives; everything is a real food.  She should open a restaurant and charge $50 a plate for her wholesome, farm to fork meals.  (It should be acknowledged that the side salad sometimes consists mostly of macaroni and mayo, but this article says that's consistent with the real foods movement.)

2.  Eco friendly - My grandparents don't get a regular trash pick-up out in the country, so they find a way to reuse, recycle, or compost much of their trash.  Whatever's left over gets burned right on their property rather than a trash truck driving out to pick it up.  My Grandma is a MASTER at saving and re-using things.  Their carbon footprint is tiny.

3.  Melissa and Doug - G & G have a box of toys saved from when my mom was a kid.  These toys are the same type of thing you would now pay top dollar for at urban boutiques for children: handmade wooden blocks that have letters and numbers painted on the side; toys that encourage pretend play (in this case, old kitchen utensils, old jewelry for dress up, etc.); puzzles that teach fine motor skills; and handcrafted wooden toy trains.  

4.  Unplugged - It seems to be trendy to find a place to escape from the constant intrusion of electronic distractions.  My grandparents have no Internet access and very limited TV access, which is generally only turned on for local news, weather emergencies, and Husker football games.  For entertainment, we walk along the gravel road, listen to birds sing, stop and smell the flowers (literally), and after dark, watch fireflies.  Again, they should charge money for people to access this unbelievably simple, relaxing, present-in-the-moment lifestyle.

I have to admit that I'm a little bit relieved to be back to Facebook and Golden Grahams after our stay in Gothenburg, but I do love my time with my grandparents, and I love how they march to the beat of their own drum.  (And sometimes it's such a great drum that society follows along, at least for a little while.)

Special Needs related Urgent Care Rant

This afternoon, I took Joshua in to an Urgent Care clinic because he's been sick for a couple days and I wanted to get him checked out before the weekend to make sure he didn't need to get on antibiotics.  The doctor thinks it's just a virus that should get better in a day or two, so that was good news.  Also, the Urgent Care in Lincoln is amazingly clean and efficient.  We were in and out in less than an hour.  I attribute this to the overall awesomeness of Lincoln, where even Apria rocks.

Here's where the rant comes in:  First, bedside manner.  When we were going through the general list of Joshua's symptoms, you could tell that the doctor was kind of on autopilot.  That's fine - it's Friday afternoon and she's probably ready to get home to her family and/or knock back an Appletini when five o'clock rolls around.  She's probably dealt with thousands of toddler viruses and ear infections and can diagnose and treat these in her sleep. The irritating thing was that when I told her that Joshua has a feeding tube, her whole demeanor changed.  She did a double take, then asked "why" in a very alarmed voice.  It was like we had entered the world of Grey's Anatomy, where the presence of a feeding tube signals a dire medical emergency.  In reality, Joshua is a very healthy little guy who is not in a dire medical situation *at all*, and I could tell she thought so too because I was getting the overprotective-mother-who-jumped-the-gun-taking-her-son-to-the-doctor vibe until I mentioned the feeding tube, and then suddenly I was getting the why-isn't-this-kid-in-the-hospital vibe.  I understand that the presence of a feeding tube might signal the need for some further conversation about why it's there and how it might relate to his current sickness; I just wish that the initial disclosure of it would've been treated with calm rather than alarm.

Second part of rant: general knowledge.  When the doctor asked why Joshua has a feeding tube, I told her it's because he has Pierre Robin Sequence.  She says she's never heard of it and asks me to explain what it is.  [Note:  this happens all.the.time.  It wasn't just this doctor.]  It's so irritating to go in to the doctor and then it ends up that you are the one doing all the medical explaining.  I know this is an unfair thing to be irritated about.  When I was practicing law, people would ask all kinds of random stuff all the time (for example, "What are the drug laws in the city of Denver?"), and I rarely knew the answer unless it was specifically in my area of practice.  Law school trains you how to issue spot, research, and apply laws, not how to memorize every conceivable law in existence.  I assume that med school works the same way, so I'm not saying that this doctor was doing anything wrong.  BUT, in my dream universe, it would be nice if the urgent care doctor knew more than I did about what was going on with my son's medical condition, or at least had heard of it.  

Rant over.  I hope you have a great weekend!