Two Kids or Three?

This post is about our decision to have a third child.  I wrote this because I know that many of you are around the same age as me (shout out to my fellow '81 babies!) and might be thinking about adding a child.  Also because people are really excited to urge you to have your first and second child, and much more ambivalent about a family size of 3 or more children - and whether it's good or bad, we generally think harder before making decisions that go (somewhat) against our cultural norm.

I hesitated to write this blog because I know this kind of topic can be loaded for many:  people who have struggled to have kids, people who have lost kids, people who aren't in the life circumstances to have more kids; and for people who have faced this same decision and decided differently, for whatever reason.  If this post is hurtful to you, I'm sorry.

So, with those caveats in place, here are the things we thought about in expanding our family by one more child:

First, what made us pause in thinking about adding a third:

• Special needs - thinking about whether we can handle Joshua's needs while also handling the needs of two siblings; and what if we have another kid with the same needs or other special needs (can I do a good job taking care of both?).  
• We love our family the way it is now--  
• We already have 2 kids - our kids each have a sibling, it doesn't feel like anything is "missing" from our family.
• Zoey and Josh are best friends and you never know how adding another family member will shake up the entire dynamic of the family.  
• Life is just starting to get easier.  Do we really want to go through the baby phase again?
• Many say that the transition from 2 kids to 3 kids is when things really get crazy.  
• Fewer kids = better ability to financially provide for each individual child, both now and in the future. 
• Getting back to my career -- I've enjoyed being a stay at home mom for this stretch of time, but I also love being a lawyer and would eventually like to get back to that.  

What made us ultimately decide to go for it:

• Our 2 kids bring us great joy - so it seems like one more kid would bring even more joy.  (This was our single biggest consideration.)
• As they get older, they get more fun.  I'm not really a baby person (though I do find my own and other people's babies extremely cute), but as they get into the toddler and the kid phase, it's more and more fun to interact with them and watch their personalities emerge (and also, it's really fun to get back to sleeping through the night).
• I'm under no illusion that things don't get exponentially busier with each added child, but there are many ways in which we're already set up for family life - we already have the family car and family house, already eat most meals at home, already keep a schedule and choose activities and vacations that work for the kids, already have a house overtaken by toys - so in those ways, another child will be joining the lifestyle that we already have.   
• I grew up in a family with four kids and absolutely dug it - for the kids, I think it's usually the case that the more siblings you have, the merrier.  And while there must have been some very challenging stages for my parents, they are also happy (i think? haha) with their decision to have a big family.  
• You're making the decision for the rest of your life - 20 years down the line, when it's way past time to decide to (biologically) add to the family, how many people do we want coming home for Christmas?  How much of a support network do we want the siblings to have with each other?  How many people do we want to be part of our family for the rest of our life?  I've never met an older adult who wishes they had less kids, but you do sometimes meet older adults who would appreciate having more kids.

First picture of Baby #3!

The considerations in the "pause" list are real (and for years, made us think that we were likely done having kids), but there is an answer to each of them, and the answers look like:  we'll figure out our new normal and if necessary get the help we need; we can re-arrange the budget as needed; and there are trade-offs with every life decision you make so you need to decide what your top priorities are.  The considerations in the "go for it" list seemed like the things that in the long-term are what will matter to us the most.  And in the end, it comes down to a feeling more than a pros and cons list.

I'm looking forward to meeting Baby #3, and in the meantime, I'm enjoying my sleep!