Zoey turns 3!

Today is Zoey's 3rd birthday!  So often, my blog posts are updates about Joshua - today is Zoey's turn in the spotlight.

Zoey's personality:

• Zoey is extremely girly - she loves to put on tutus and necklaces, walk around in my ballet flats, call herself a princess, watch dance videos, and frequently express her preference for pink, purple, and sparkles.  (She also loves to splash through mud puddles, throw rocks, climb ladders, tackle Josh, read books, and play with cars and trains -- so there are some other interests besides princess stuff.)  The girly girl side is funny because she definitely did NOT get that from me (and it was one of the worries I wrote about two years ago), but it's easy enough to provide her with some  dress up clothes and books about ballerinas.  
• Zoey is very sweet, cuddly, and affectionate - she freely dishes out hugs and "I love you"s; she snuggles up when you read her a story or watch a show with her; she loves to be the "special helper" on chores and errands; and she basks in individual attention.  Which is all very endearing.  
• We sometimes describe her as our little nerve ending -- she feels things strongly and expresses these feelings equally strongly.  So when she's happy, which is most of the time, she'll dance around and give big smiles and make little animal noises.  And when she's upset, she can lose it like no other.  
• She's very shy but also very verbal - so in some settings, she won't say a word, but in other settings (like at home), she never stops talking.  She gets this from me.    
• It's like she received a playbook on how to act like a 3  year old:  In the last month, her favorite question is "why"and she repeats it ad nauseam.
• She is a good eater, which is something i totally would have taken for granted if she wasn't child #2.  She eats heartily all day long (she must get her metabolism from the Fickenscher family), and if I forget to feed her, she is not shy about reminding me.  She prefers the typical little kid foods (anything with sugar or carbs), but if I apply any of the hundred feeding techniques we've learned for Joshua, she will easily comply with eating veggies, meat, and at least a few bites of our table food. 

Siblings:

I will do a post down the road about what it's like raising a medically typical kid when you have a special needs kid, but the biggest and most important thing (in our situation) is this:  Josh and Zoey are great for each other.  (This was one of my hopes from an old post.)  They are best friends, developmentally helpful to each other, and partners in crime.  They help each other with speech because they are talking back and forth all day long.  They help each other with fine and gross motor because if one climbs the ladder at the park or starts coloring a picture, the other follows.  They love to pretend play together and they each spur on the other's imagination.  Josh is the natural leader, but they have a really nice back and forth when they play.  Of course they fight sometimes, but even this provides opportunities to learn about how to handle conflict in a safe environment.  (And it helps me learn the outer limits of my sanity.)  They are both very shy and cautious by nature, but they are able to learn many of the basics of socialization by interacting with each other, and they feel more socially confident around other kids when they have the sibling by their side.  You never know how siblings are going to relate to each other, and there's only so much you as a parent can do to make siblings become BFFs, so I'm very grateful that things have turned out this way.

 How I'm feeling about my baby becoming a little girl:
 There is something about my kids' birthdays that brings out my inner sentimental sap in full force.  I'm feeling a mix of happiness and sadness today.  Looking at the picture above, there is no denying that Zoey is no longer a baby, not even really a toddler - she's a girl.  It's funny because I spent so much of the first few years of my kids' life eagerly anticipating the age when they get at least a little independence - when they don't need me to wake up every few hours to feed them and change diapers and be hovering every single second they're awake.  And then, just as I've fully adjusted to the being-needed-every-second thing, they do start to grow up, and it's bittersweet because I know that they've started on this trajectory and they will only get more independent and need me less every year.  It's good, it's a blessing...but it's also a little sad.  Zoey is still hugely dependent on us, and it makes me so happy every time she learns to do a new skill for herself, but birthdays remind me that these young years are a special stage of life, not to be taken for granted.  I cringed as I wrote that last sentence because I hate to hear the impossible advice to "cherish every moment" - as if that were even possible, as if there aren't some moments better forgotten - but these years really are special, and birthdays help me remember it.  Happy birthday, Zoey!

Lincoln trip summer 2015

The kids and I just returned from our annual summer trip to Nebraska.  We had a great time!  Here are the highlights:

Kenny Chesney knows how to make Nebraskans cheer.

• My sister and I attended the Kenny Chesney concert.  It was refreshing to have a night out with my sister,  it was interesting to see the impressive Pinnacle Bank Arena from the inside for the first time (my little hometown is all grown up!), and Chesney is a born entertainer who put on a great show.  Two thoughts on the concert:
• Kenny's 2 main themes are 1) Celebrating small town institutions: home, church, traditional values, high school football; and 2) Party on the beach.  At first, these two themes seem contradictory.  But a wise friend pointed out to me that many of us (myself included) like to think that we have elements of both of these things in our personality.  So maybe this partially explains Chesney's wild popularity.  
• I am starting to experience glimpses of being "too old" for a certain kind of concert experience.  Like noticing, judgmentally, that everyone around you is drunk (although it made for some excellent people watching); thinking about strategies the artist is using to try to engage the crowd (see picture above) rather than just relaxing and enjoying the theatrics; and not being willing to stand for the entire 2 hour set (on the flip side, it's enjoyable to get to the point where you don't mind being the stick-in-the-mud who sits when everyone else is standing, and you can enjoy the music rather than thinking about how your legs ache).  
• We hit up all our favorite Nebraska kid hot spots: Omaha Henry Doorly Zoo, Lincoln Zoo, and Lincoln Children's Museum.  Our kids are at a great age to visit zoos and children's museums.  They are old enough to understand their surroundings, but young enough to be filled with wonder.  So, for example, when Zoey sees a monkey flying towards her, her jaw literally drops.  When Josh sees a life-sized train, he gets that it's a train and he fully imagines that he's driving it over real train tracks.  Very cool.   
• Unfortunately, we did not continue the streak of no-kid-sickness-while-on-vacation (both kids had small rounds of sickness), but my mom (who is a nurse practitioner and a very caring woman) is a huge help with this.  
• My best friend from high school, who now lives in Des Moines, visited Lincoln during the weekend we were in town.  We had a nice afternoon catching up and a fun night out exploring the Railyard and Haymarket area.  It's great to hang out with old friends because it's equal parts reminiscing about old memories and catching up on all the new stuff happening in your life.  And it's nice for me to spend time with someone who knows me primarily as someone other than a mom, because it helps me remember and feel the other parts of my identity.
• One of my very favorite things about visiting Nebraska is just being part of the regular, day-to-day stuff that we would do all the time if we lived here - such as attending niece Jayla's soccer game (and watching brother Eric be a soccer dad), hanging out at my sister's house with her 3 kids (including meeting her youngest, Charlie!  The happiest baby you will ever meet), being around for a visit from Grandma and Grandpa Fickenscher, and attending regular family dinners.
• This is not a highlight per se, but I want to drop it in because it's cool - we only saw my youngest brother Mitchell briefly, because the day after we arrived, he departed for a 2 week tour across the eastern United States doing a series of concerts with his friends from college.  #freespirit
• My parents just moved into a beautiful new house.  It was a little emotional to visit a brand new house rather than the house where we grew up.  I don't want to over-sentimentalize this, because I only actually lived in their previous house for 4 of the 20 years they resided there.  But there's a small sadness in not returning to Pheasant Run, home of so many memories.  I'm very happy for my parents - I think their new home and location will be terrific for them, and they thoughtfully included expansive guest accomodations that will be great for us - but I wanted to give one last shout-out to Pheasant Run.  
• No trip to Lincoln is complete without hitting up some of my favorite Nebraska restaurants.  This summer's trip included food from Valentino's, Lazlo's, and Amigo's.  (Which means Runza and La Paz will be at the top of the list for our winter trip.)  I also had my first experience eating Vietnamese food.  My mom and I shared an order of pho (which, I learned, is pronounced "fuh"), spring rolls, and some delicious Vietnamese fried rice.  Nebraska might seem like an unusual place for a first exposure to ethnic food of any kind, but Lincoln has a thriving Vietnamese community

Thanks for a great visit, Nebraska!  I look forward to seeing you again around Christmas!

Toddler Muffin Recipe

Yesterday, I put up this status on Facebook:  "Josh is eating a homemade muffin with veggies and wheat germ! I've been trying this hide-good-food-in-kid-friendly-snacks trick for years and it never works because he won't do mixed textures or homemade food, but today: SUCCESS!!"

Here is the recipe for the muffins:

Ingredients:
2 bananas, mashed
2 grated carrots
1/2 cup pureed squash (would strongly recommend pre-packaged baby food for this one)
1/2 cup butter (softened)
1 cup brown sugar (could do less if concerned about sugar)
2 eggs, beaten
1 cup flour
1/2 cup wheat germ
1 tspn. baking soda
1/2 tspn. salt
1/2 tspn. each of cinnaomon, nutmeg, and ginger

Directions:
1.  Preheat oven to 375 and grease muffin pan.
2.  Mix butter and brown sugar.  Then mix in banana, squash, carrot, and eggs. Then stir in dry ingredients.  
3.  Put batter in muffin pan.  Should make 12 regular sized muffins.
3.  Bake 15-20 minutes.

Enjoy!

House Hunters, Reno Edition

 We bought a house in Reno!  I wrote a blog post describing our housing search in Virginia Beach last year, so I won't repeat those observations.  Instead, I'm going to describe our most recent search House Hunters style, describing the 3 (types of) houses we looked at and then explaining which one we picked and why.

House One:  "Planned Community" - The pros to these homes:  they are new or almost new construction, so they are unlikely to need repairs, and they are usually built and designed in the way that's currently popular (granite counter tops / stainless steel appliances / open floor plan / neutral colors / hardwood floors).  The cons to these homes (in the neighborhoods where we looked):  they are jam packed together, so there is often no yard, sometimes a shared wall, and generally a lack of parking and space around your house.  Also, they often come with hefty HOA fees.  I was not bothered by the idea of living in a so-called "soulless suburb" - that would have been more than made up for by the awesome pool and workout center and hiking trails.  The locations were on the outskirts of town, farther away from work, friends, and family.

House Two:  "Smaller and Updated" - These homes were older than the planned community homes.  ("Older" in Reno means built in the 1980s or 1990s.)  This is both a pro and a con, as homes that are even just a few decades old are going to need much more repair work than the new construction, but they also have yards and trees and more space between houses.  These homes had 3 bedrooms and small living areas, but everything in the house and yard was well cared for and updated, so you could move in and not want to change a thing.  The locations were good - close to work, good school districts, close to friends and family.  

House Three:  "Older, Bigger, Good Location" - Again, by older I mean "built in the 1980s".  This house had the most space on the inside and the outside.  It had 4 bedrooms.  It was structurally in good shape, had been well cared for, and had a great layout.  The decor was not updated (some of the rooms had wallpaper, the kitchen did not have granite countertops, that kind of thing).  There was a yard with trees.  It was located close to friends and family, and in a good school district.  

So which house did we choose, if you haven't already guessed based on my composite versus specific phrasing?  We chose House #3, pictured above.  Here's why:

• Tons of space, particularly in the living areas, as well as plenty of storage space.  
• Great layout that combines the virtues of open floor plan and separate spaces.  Lots of light.  
• It has a good sized yard with trees, which is a definite plus in Reno, where many homes don't have yards or yards are zeroscaped or neighborhoods are so new that there are no trees in sight. 
• Lots of character - the previous owner lived there for decades and really made the place her own - not always in the ways we would have chosen, but it gives the house lots of personality . Some of those things we will probably change (there is some crazy floral wallpaper in the living room with window shades that were custom designed to match the wallpaper!) - other things I think we will decide that we love just as they are.  
• Location - good school districts (into the preschool program that we hoped for Joshua!), close to family and friends, relatively convenient to Kenny's work, close to services, near 3 great parks, and less than a mile from my favorite public library!  

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This will be our fifth home in five years.  All the moves happened for a good reason, and we've had some memorable adventures along the way, but that adds up to a lot of transition in a short time.  After so much moving, I am very excited to settle in and make this house our home.  I think all the moving has had some advantages -- it's re-enforced the idea that your "home" is more about who you live with rather than the physical dwelling; it's caused us to sort through our possessions and get rid of (some of) the things that we don't need; and the staying with parents thing (we've been living with Kenny's parents for the last 2 months) has been awesome -- we have extremely comfortable accomodations at both of the parents' houses, where we are cooked for, cared for, and loved.  But now we have reached move-in week, and I'm hoping that this is a home where we can put down roots and really work on making this house, this neighborhood, and this town our home.  Excited to move in and get started!

On Praying in Difficult Situations

One of the questions I've faced in my prayer life is:  how do you balance praying for a particular outcome that you really want and honoring the idea that God is in control?   This question comes up most urgently when you are in a situation that feels desperate and out of control - a major health concern, a threat to your closest relationships, an impending disaster.  These are the times when people turn to prayer, but also the times when it can be confusing to know exactly how to pray.

My thought process goes something like this:  how I should I be praying about this whole thing?  If God is in control and God works all things for our good, then shouldn't I just trust that those promises apply to this situation?  But on the other hand, the Bible says to pray without ceasing, to ask and it will be given you.  Should we be pleading with God to give us the desire of our hearts, or should we just trust that He knows what He's doing?

It seems like both pieces ("trust God" and "ask God to do a particular thing") are important, but it's hard to see how they fit together, as they sort of seem to be at odds.  So how do we balance this tension in our prayers?  Tim Keller gives the best answer I've ever seen in his book "Prayer: Experiencing Awe and Intimacy with God".  He says:  we should pray for both at the same time.  And he gives two examples of Jesus doing this.

The first example, the one that's really stayed in my head, is when Jesus is praying in the Garden of Gethsemane.  The garden is where Jesus goes to pray as Judas is betraying Him, as the soldiers are on their way to arrest Him, as  He is about to be crucified.  His prayer at the garden is:  "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will."  This prayer is urgent, desperate - He is sweating blood as He prays to be spared from his upcoming suffering.  But in the same sentence that He asks for relief from the situation, He also submits to God's control.

This same pattern is repeated in the Lord's Prayer.  Part of the prayer says, "Thy kingdom come, thy will be done".  When we're asking for anything good - for physical healing for loved ones, for reconciliation in relationships, for justice in heartbreaking world situations - we are asking for "thy kingdom come".  But in the same breath, "thy will be done" is saying that God knows better than we do what is good.  So I think this is what we are supposed to do.  Pour out our hearts to God, tell him exactly what we want - but in that same prayer, submit to His control.  It's not either / or - it's both, at the very same time.

Post Script:  It's good for me to think about theological conundrums like this during calm times, when I'm not in the middle of  suffering.  This is not to say that I usually (or ever) handle my prayer life the way it is supposed to go when I am the one in the middle of an impossible situation.  When Joshua was in the NICU, I spent 4 hours per day in the pumping room.  I often spent that time praying.  I prayed for his immediate health needs and his upcoming surgeries.  If things were not looking good, I prayed that God would spare his life.  There was no "thy will be done" in these prayers.  There was lots of begging, lots of fear, some tears, and some anger.  And honestly, if I was put in that same situation again today (or other equally difficult things), my response would not be different.  I think God meets us where we are (the Psalms support this idea).  I think it's good to aspire to the pattern set out for us, but at least in the hardest situations, I am very much not there yet.

Spouse Love

May is my wedding anniversary month, so I've been reflecting on some of the things that make a marriage work well.  When you watch a romantic comedy, you get the impression that the necessary and sufficient things you need to make a relationship work are two attractive people, witty banter, and the unshakeable conviction that this person is your soulmate.  I think there are many qualities that we fail to appreciate and compliment because 1) they are less exciting than the aforementioned qualities, 2) you expect these things from your partner, but at the same time, 3) it is impossible for any human being to embody them perfectly.  So in these categories, it's easy to take the good things they're doing for granted.  (This is probably true in all types of close relationships, but I think it's especially true in marriage.)  Kenny is doing things every day to make our marriage and our family work well, and I am terrible about thanking him for it.  So as Kenny and I approach our 9 year wedding anniversary (and 10 years of being a couple!), I want to write a blog post and, as Fatboy Slim puts it, "I want to praise you like i should".  Here are some of Kenny's exceptional qualities:

Good father, especially good special needs father.  Kenny is very actively involved with both of our kids.  He notices the things that make each of them happy, he acts as their jungle gym, he makes them laugh - he brings so much joy and love to their lives, and he lightens the load for me.  This is an extra big blessing when it comes to special needs parenting.  As you get involved in special needs communities, you learn that many dads cannot handle the extra stresses that come with the special needs life and either physically leave the family or emotionally check out.  Kenny has always been a full partner to me in Joshua's needs.  At the beginning, this meant researching the best surgery options, staying up all night to give G-tube feeds, and spending nights in the hospital.  Now, it means staying on top of what's going on with doctors and IEPs and therapy goals, and helping out on those things however he can.  This is hugely helpful to Joshua, but it's also very helpful to me to know that I'm not alone going through scary and difficult parenting experiences.  I'm using self control to keep this section brief, but here's a great blog post that describes the importance of an involved special needs dad (although our details are different):  The Dad Behind the Diagnosis

Good Provider.  I'm so grateful that Kenny shoulders the burden of being the primary income earner in our family.  It has given me the freedom to pursue non-profit jobs in my legal career and to stay home with the kids for awhile.  I'm also grateful that he's taken the lead in our financial planning.  It's really helpful in a marriage if there is one person who keeps track:  making sure the bills get paid, being thoughtful about other priorities (such as saving and giving), and planning for the family's financial future.  We do divide up the tasks and discuss big financial decisions - but it's so helpful to have Kenny keep a continual watch and make plans for the future.  [Caveat:  of course it doesn't have to be the man taking on either the planning or earning - none of these bullet points is meant to be a "this-is-exactly-how-it-should-work-for-everyone-amen" statement, but rather a "this-is-how-it-works-for-us-and-thank-you-kenny-for-handling-it-like-a-boss".]

Reliable.  In every way - I never need to worry that he won't show up, won't call if plans change, won't be truthful to me.  This is HUGELY helpful and HUGELY important to me, and Kenny is excellent about being a faithful and reliable partner.

Spiritual leader.  Kind of like the finances, this is partly about keeping track of things:  what we value as a family, and how our life (both day-to-day and long term) is working towards or against those values.  Kenny does a great job of keeping these things in mind.  Kenny has also put many things in place to encourage growth in his personal faith, which in turn encourages my faith.

Always working on self improvement.  I won't say much about this, except that it's great because it means I don't have to nag.

Gets stuff done.  Kenny is great at handling daunting projects.  A good example of this:  when we arrived home from our 2 month road trip last summer, we were all exhausted from 6 days on the road and ready to just relax in our own space.  We walked in the front door to find that one of our pipes had sprung a leak weeks before and caused significant water damage all over the first floor.  So while I was in "woe is me" mode, Kenny immediately got to work - he spent the next 10 hours cleaning what could be cleaned (working until 3 am!) and contacting professionals to fix the rest of it.  I am so grateful that he immediately digs in and starts solving problems rather than moping around.

BONUS:
Handsome, funny, and smart - I was originally going to do a post saying that these characteristics ("handsome, funny, smart") are the kinds of things that initially draw you to a person but ultimately don't matter as much as the above qualities.  But that's not true.  I enjoy it every day that Kenny is so good looking, and so entertaining to be around, and I love (but also hate) that he's smarter than me.  There is a lot more to a great spouse than just handsome, funny, and smart -- but the qualities that initially attract you to your spouse, remain awesome a decade later.

For any of you who have made it through this whole post, thank you for indulging me and I would love to hear your spouse shout outs!

In Transition

We made it to Reno!  It's been fun to reunite with family members and start to meet up with friends.  Kenny's family has been so generous about lending us cars, cooking us meals, offering babysitting, and generally letting us invade their personal space.  We are in a state of transition right now, as we look for a house and settle in to our new city.  Here are some thoughts on that:

• Vacation?  In some ways, it feels like we are on our annual month-long summer visit.  We are staying with relatives, visiting favorite spots, and enjoying all the things we miss while we're away.  But at the same time, Kenny has started his new job, Joshua is attending appointments, and we are actively house hunting -- not activities we do while on vacation.
• Resetting defaults - It takes a surprising amount of energy to change the default settings in your brain.  (Like, where is Target again?  When is library story time?  Where are the best parks?).  None of it is brain science, but it takes some mental energy to make the shift.   
• Adapting to cultural differences - I don't want to overstate this one too much, but Reno and Virginia Beach are *really* different places (at least, within the range of mid-sized cities in the United States).  Reno has a west coast / mountain / independent vibe, as opposed to Virginia Beach's east coast / ocean / military vibe.  It's fun to compare one to the other while we are still recent transplants and can remember exactly what Virginia Beach is like.  
• I'm trying to take note of the subtle cultural rules in Reno - things like, "Do moms wear jeans or yoga pants when they go to the park?" - because I learned what a difference these things can make when my family moved from Norfolk to Lincoln when I was in 9th grade.  I showed up to the first day of school proudly wearing my tucked in T-shirt, only to quickly learn that in Lincoln, you don't tuck in your t-shirt unless you want to look like a dork.  (It probably didn't help that I was proudly sporting a Norfolk Panthers shirt at a Lincoln Southeast feeder school.)  
• Kids - The kids are doing well with with the transition.  They are happy to see their grandparents, aunt and uncle, and cousins.  They are starting to ask questions about what's going on (mostly phrased like this:  "Where are my toys from home?"), but overall they are enjoying Reno and basking in all the extra love and attention.  Josh is happy to have a long summer break from school (although he did say that he missed school one day when we were looking at some pictures), and his new occupational therapist seems to be a good fit.  
• House hunting - We bought our last house less than a year ago, so most of my thoughts about house hunting are summarized here, but I will add that it's nice to look in Reno because I prefer the western style of architecture and the housing stock is mostly newer construction.  Also, our realtors here are awesome - if any of you in Reno are looking to buy or sell a house, I would highly recommend Michael and Belinda Jackson.  
• Without permanent residence - You don't realize how often you rely on having a permanent address until you are temporarily without one.  We are fortunate to be able to use our in-law's address until we buy a new house.  But not having a permanent residence makes it more difficult to register to vote, to keep up with bills, to fill out all variety of forms, and to register kids for school.  I'm sure that for many of these (particularly voting and school), there are provisions set up for families without a permanent residence, but it's interesting to think about the public policy implications related to what an obstacle it can be to not have an address to give.  
• A couple climate related trade-offs -
• Ocean v. mountains - I love the beach and I am very sad to leave it, but unless you are lucky enough to live right along the coast, you don't see much of the ocean during the cold months.  When you live in the mountains, you can enjoy them everytime you go outside.  It's super fun when you get the chance to go hiking or camping or (for those who know how, which is not me) skiing, but you also get to enjoy the beautiful view of the mountains everytime you step outdoors or drive around town.  Sunsets here are stunning, and you can enjoy them from the comfort of your backyard rather than making a trip to a particular place.  So while both are awesome, I think you get more year round benefit from living near the mountains.  
• Bugs v. mountain animals - It is so nice to sit outside for hours and not worry about mosquitos.  The Reno trade off is that in certain neighborhoods, after dark, you have to watch for mountain animals such as coyotes and bears.  It's easier to avoid bears than to avoid mosquitoes, so this is also a decent trade-off.  
• Virginia Beach friends - Since we moved from Reno and have now returned to Reno - our four years in Virginia Beach feels like a distinct chapter in our life, with a clear beginning and end.  Virginia Beach friends, I'm so glad I got to know you - my life is richer because you were a part of it.  And I'm so glad that Facebook allows us to keep in touch.  

Signing off, for now, from Reno!