Is American Parenting Killing the American Marriage?

I've seen this article -- How American Parenting is Killing the American Marriage -- shared many times on my Facebook feed, and it seemed to resonate with many of my friends (and many of their friends).  I think it's a great discussion piece with some valid points but also some ideas I really disagree with:

Valid points (directly quoted from the article):  

• "Children who are raised to believe that they are the center of the universe have a tough time when their special status erodes as they approach adulthood." 
• "Couples who live entirely child-centric lives can lose touch with one another to the point where they have nothing left to say to one another when the kids leave home."

Important qualifiers that the article does not address:

• You might be totally on board with the idea that family life shouldn't be child-centric, but I don't know how you practically make that work when the kids are young and/or special needs.  They need help with their basic needs all day long, and unless you have the money to hire lots of help, your life is going to revolve around the kids for the first few years.  The author claims that this is not the case in every time and culture, but I would like to see how that works.  
• "Children raised to believe they are the center of the universe" is not so much about how much time and attention you give to a kid, but about the philosophy with which you raise them and how effective you are at teaching them to be mindful and respectful of others.  (This is HARD and I am still figuring this one out.)
• Things that appear to be child-centric might be done just as much for the adults.  For example, I try to avoid making plans during my children's nap time, which appears to be a child-centric practice, but it also makes them less crabby for the rest of the day and helps them fall asleep more easily at night -- which makes my life easier and allows me to spend some time with my husband after the kids have gone to bed.  

Thing on which I think she's flat out wrong:

• That it should be publicly acceptable for you to say that you dislike your kid.  I don't mean that you should see your kid through rose colored glasses and not try to help them work on weak spots, or make excuses for bad behavior rather than correcting, particularly when it's destructive to others - but I mean that everyone else in the whole rest of the world will, at times, give them reasons to hate themselves, and parents should be the two people who offer a safe haven of acceptance and love to their kids.  

On American marriage:

• I think the thing that's killing the American marriage is the idea that the goal of marriage is romantic-comedy-style individual happiness and fulfillment, as opposed to for better or for worse (which is sometimes about each partner's individual happiness, but also about sacrificing, learning to grow together, supporting each other through hard times, and staying loyal during mundane times). Even if the author is right that parenting has turned into a religion and this is hard on marriage, it wouldn't be such a lethal blow if people didn't also have faulty assumptions about what a good marriage should be like.
• I think there are many ways in which American parenting strengthens the American marriage. Kenny and I consider raising our kids to be one of the most important projects of our life.  We've got spiritual goals that are more important (and many overlap with raising our kids); we've got career and life goals that are less important but still big; but raising our kids as well as we can is a major one.  Consequently, when I see Kenny spending time with the kids or doing any of the many other things that make him a good dad, it strengthens my love for him.  

What do you think?  As I said at the beginning, the original article seemed to resonate with many, so I'd be interested to hear any feedback.  

IEP parent

It's that time again!  Once a year, I meet with Joshua's team of therapists and teachers at school to review his Individualized Education Plan (IEP).  An IEP is the paperwork that describes what services Joshua gets from the school district and what goals he will be working on for the upcoming year.

One of the lucky things about my first two jobs is that they provided me with some helpful training for my life as a special needs parent.  In my first job, I learned how to make health insurance appeals.  In my second job, I had a handful of clients in Early Intervention and dozens of clients with IEPs, so I got to learn all about how those systems work before I had to start advocating on behalf of my own child.  (In fact, with Early Intervention, this led to some confusion -- when I called to get Joshua enrolled at age one month, I still had some messages pending for my clients, and the manager called back confused about whether attorney Erin and mom Erin were the same person, and in what capacity I was calling for Joshua.  And her tone totally changed once she realized I was calling for my own child -- you get much friendlier treatment and much greater access when you're the parent rather than the attorney.  But I digress.)

For the clients with IEPs, we sat in on their meetings, reviewed the documents, and were available to help challenge if it came to that (although with my clients I never actually did a due process hearing).  So I am very comfortable with the process itself, although it feels completely different as the parent rather than as one of the service providers.  It's much more emotional and stressful when the discussion involves your own kid and the areas where he is delayed.  And because IEPs read in some parts like legalese and in other parts like a robot spitting out a formula, it can feel like the school district is dealing with your child mechanically rather than thoughtfully, compassionately, and individually.  If I ever do go back to a job where I'm an attorney in IEP meetings, it will be invaluable to have seen what it feels like to be the parent.

In the process of attending IEP meetings, here are the best tips I've learned that apply universally:

1.  You can request your papers ahead of time.  This is helpful for a few reasons:  it lets you read about your child's strengths and weaknesses privately and lets you feel whatever emotions that might bring without an audience; it lets you read the services and goals in a concentrated way, without having to keep half your brain tuned to what's happening in the meeting while you're trying to read; and most importantly, it lets you know any areas where there are disagreement and lets you think about how to prepare for that.

2.  You are allowed to bring support people with you.  Many states have non-profits with free trained advocates who will go with you.  These people know the process and the paperwork and your rights backwards and forwards, and they can talk to you about what your goals are for your child and then help you fight for that.  You might also bring a trusted relative or friend, even if they don't know a thing about IEPs, so that you feel emotionally supported.

3.  The things to really focus on in the IEP are placement, services, accommodations, and goals.
I have re-written this paragraph three times and can't quite seem to get it right - there's too much to say and it's too specific to individual situations.  But here are 3 places where you might need to prepare for disagreement:  1) whether your child qualifies for an IEP in the first place;  2) what is the least restrictive and most appropriate placement for your child (particularly if there are behavioral issues that negatively impact the other students in the classroom); and 3) getting a really expensive service in place (like one-on-one nursing care).  (It's beyond the scope of this blog post, and for that matter my "expertise", to go into strategies about how to deal with these things.)  Goals are usually much easier to negotiate, but still important to think about carefully, as they will structure what is pushed in your child's learning (so in a way, they function like school testing).  Discussions about goals are also a good chance to have a back and forth conversation about what you can do at home to complement what they are doing at school to help your child meet his goals.

4.  Know that you have rights to challenge.  If you didn't get to ask for something at the meeting, or you didn't have a chance to bring in supporting paperwork, or something new comes up -- you can ask for a new IEP meeting at any time.  You don't have to wait the full year.  If you did get to make your requests but the team did not agree to them, you have the right to challenge at a due process hearing.  You don't have to understand how this works going into the IEP meeting - just know that if you weren't happy with how things went, that doesn't have to be the end of it.

5.  Remember that it's a balance -- you're the best advocate for your child, but the other members of the team also want the best for your child.    No one knows your child or cares about your child as much as you do, so you should come in prepared to advocate hard. On the other hand, the other members of your team (therapists, teachers, etc.) got into their field because they care about kids, and they want to see your kid succeed.  They might say no to some of your requests because they have to think about competing needs (like limited school budgets, the needs of the other kids in the classroom, complying with the rules, etc.), and that's why it's so important for you to advocate hard - but it's also good to remember that these team members spend the whole school year caring for your kid, and it's good to give them respect and appreciation for that.  Mostly because they deserve it, but also because building a good relationship with your child's team will be beneficial to your child.

That's the end of my tips.  Having said all that - we have had a very good experience so far with Joshua's team.  We (parents and school team) are mostly in agreement about services and goals, and when we have minor disagreements, the school has been very responsive to our concerns.

So I know I have some other friends who are / were also IEP parents, and also some teacher / therapist friends....I would love to have you share your wisdom & tips on this subject.

Surgery & Genetics

A month ago, I wrote a blog about some upcoming health stuff happening with Joshua.  Here are the updates:

Surgery - the actual procedures (ear tubes and dental work) went well; the day itself was pretty hard on J.  This is the first surgery he's had in 2 years (after 9 in his first 18 months), and it definitely changes the dynamic when kids are old enough to understand what's going on.  I don't know if it's entirely worse, though:  there was an idea floating around when he was getting all the surgeries done as an infant that at least he wouldn't understand / remember them -- in some ways this is worse, because there's not a clear distinction for the baby between things that cause pain and things that offer safety & comfort.  Now when he gets surgery, he is old enough to understand that it's scary when he's walking back with the anesthesiologist and scary when he's waking up feeling disoriented and in pain, but he also knows that when we head home, he's going to a safe place and the procedure is over.   I think it boils down to this:  surgery is always hard, and there are both new pros and new cons as kids get older and more aware of what's going on.  As far as surgeries go, this was a minor one and there were no post-surgical complications, so we're glad for that, glad to be moving past it, and glad that there are no upcoming surgeries on the books!

Genetics appointment - Yesterday, J had a genetics appointment.  He had previously seen a geneticist when he was 1 week old and 9 months old, both times in Utah, and they determined that he did not have either of the two syndromes most commonly associated with Pierre Robin Sequence.  However, there are a bunch of less common syndromes / chromosomal abnormalities that are associated with PRS, and Josh has a few features that make it seem possible that he has an undiagnosed underlying syndrome.  (Most notably, a pinky finger that won't bend and overlapping toes.)  The geneticist did two things that made me very happy:  1) She said that she thinks Joshua is doing great overall (as far as health, development, etc.), so there's probably nothing to worry about.  (We think so too, but it's always super reassuring to hear it from a doctor.)  2) She ordered a microarray, which will test for any chromosomal deletions or duplications.  It's always helpful to have more information rather than less, so if it turns out he does have something chromosomal going on, we will better know what health issues to monitor.  And if not - great!  Either way, it will be good to know.  So it turns out that it is true (at least in our small sample size of one each) that West Coast geneticists do rely on physical examination and East Coast geneticists do rely on testing.  They already gathered J's DNA using a cheek swab, and we should have the results in about 6 weeks.

That's all the updates for now!  Will post again when we get the results of the microarray.

Annie Dillard

Earlier this year, I read Annie Dillard's "Pilgrim at Tinker Creek", which is a Pulitzer Prize winning non-fiction book of reflections on nature with some philosophy, biology, and theology thrown into the mix.  This is very much NOT the kind of book that I normally read and it took some effort to get all the way through, but it was well worth the effort as it's the kind of book that lingers with you for months.  It could inspire all kinds of discussions, but for this blog post, I'll do two:  

1.  What is art?

The best kind of art shows rather than tells.  (Credit to Kenny for this idea.)  There are plenty of articles telling me that I should slow down, stop and smell the roses, unplug from technology, and spend time in nature.  I agree with these sentiments, but when you are just told to spend more time in nature, it feels like one more item on the to-do list.

What Dillard does, and what makes her writing true art, is she shows you examples of things in nature that are beautiful, or startling, or surprising -- and all of this makes you want to get outside and see an example of the thing she's talking about.  One example:  Eels  (yes, the snake-like sea creatures) sometimes migrate across meadows!  Check out this description:  "Imagine a chilly night and a meadow; balls of dew droop from the curved blades of grass.  All right:  the grass at the edge of the meadow begins to tremble and sway.  Here come the eels.  The largest are five feet long.  All are silver.  They stream into the meadow, sift between grasses and clover, veer from your path.  There are too may to count.  All you see is a silver slither, like twisted ropes of water falling roughly, a one-way milling and mingling over the meadow and slide to the creek.  Silver eels in the night:  a barely-made-out seething as far as you can squint, a squirming, jostling torrent of silver eels in the grass."  How crazy would it be to see that sight??

"Pilgrim" is full of examples like this, facts about nature that make me pay close attention to what's around me as I'm in the backyard or out for a walk.  I'm not paying attention to nature because some HuffPost article told me it would be good for me; I'm paying attention because Annie Dillard showed me examples of things that would be amazing to observe.

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2.  I believe that God is eventually going to restore the earth to perfection - what will nature look like then?


A key part of my Christian beliefs is that, in the future, God is going to create a new earth, and that it will be perfect.  So in some ways it will be like what we have now - we will inhabit physical bodies, live in a real physical time and space where we can see and touch and taste, and still co-exist with nature and with other human beings.  But in more important ways, it will be nothing like what we have now, because all the bad things will be gone.  Our bodies will not be subject to health problems of any kind and they will not experience decay and death.  No more war, school shootings, poverty.  No more famine, tsunamis, earthquakes.  No more brokenness in relationships, abuse, abandonment.  No more of me acting in ways that are selfish, lazy, prideful, narcissistic, cowardly.

Going back to the book, Dillard describes in great detail how very brutal nature can be.  I tend to think of nature in a much more cartoonish, Bob Ross type way - beautiful mountain vistas, birds singing their songs to each other, turtles lazing in the sun.  Dillard talks about these kinds of things a little bit, but she spends much more time describing animal species that eat eat their own young, or purposefully abandon their newborns, or eat their mates.  She points out that 10% of the world's species are parisitic and ponders what it's like to live as a parasite (or as the host of a parasite).  It's a kill or be killed world for animals, from the most microscopic insects to the carnivores at the top of the food chain.

So my question is:  what will nature look like when the world is restored to perfection?  Will the parasitic species cease to exist?  Will there even be such a thing as a carnivore?  Will praying mantises no longer eat their mates?  Will poisonous animals no longer be poisonous?  I don't think we can answer any of these questions, but it's interesting to think about.

The New Jim Crow

I just read The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness,.  The author, Michelle Alexander, argues that  mass incarceration, and specifically the War on Drugs, has created a system that looks much like the old Jim Crow laws.  I approached the book with skepticism, thinking that although there is certainly some racial discrimination and disproportionately harsh effect on African American males in the criminal justice system, there's no WAY it's anything like Jim Crow - and I was astounded to see how powerfully she made her case.

The argument in brief is this:  Drug laws became much harsher in the early 1980s, and following that, drug convictions caused the prison population to explode.  Most of the people (around 90%) being arrested for drug crimes are black or brown, even though studies have shown that black and white people use and sell illegal drugs at the same rates.  At every stage of the criminal justice system - who gets stopped, who gets searched, who gets arrested, who gets better plea bargains and less severe charges, who gets tried in state v. federal court, who fares better in jury trials, etc. - black males receive dramatically harsher treatment than other groups.  A significant percentage of black males end up spending time in prison or on probation or parole for felony drug crimes (unlike other groups, and despite the fact that they are using and selling at the same rate as other groups).  Once you are labeled a felon, you automatically lose rights or face discrimination in a whole host of areas - voting, housing (both public and private), employment and professional licensing, educational loans, and public benefits - and it becomes really difficult to survive, let alone thrive, in mainstream society.  Often, this loss of rights hinders you for your entire life.  Because mass incarceration followed by loss of rights mostly affects African American men, it affects them in large numbers, and it affects them for their whole life, it creates a social order that looks a lot like the social order in the days of the Jim Crow laws.

At this point, it's important to acknowledge what I felt like was the major flaw in Alexander's argument:  the people who are subject to mass incarceration have violated a race neutral criminal law, and this is a *significant* difference from the Jim Crow laws that applied to all African Americans and no one else.  It might be because I was born in the 1980s and was fully indoctrinated into the War on Drugs rhetoric, but I think you can't just toss out drug laws.  Drugs wreak havoc in our society:  they cause collateral crimes of violence and theft, they destroy the lives of addicts, and they contribute to the abuse and neglect of children. It may be true that major reform is needed at every level of the system, but you can't just abolish drug laws, and you can't just forget that people have violated drug laws that are serving a legitimate purpose.

But putting that very significant issue aside, this book paints a vivid picture of how difficult every aspect of your life becomes once you are branded a felon, and it raises a whole host of issues, such as:

• What is the War on Drugs accomplishing, and specifically, is it accomplishing the goal of reducing drug use and drug related crime?
• Are prisons the best place to load up the dollars, or could the drug problem be addressed more humanely, effectively, and economically by focusing on education and treatment programs? 
• If mass incarceration is the appropriate solution to the drug problem, and if drugs are used and sold at equal rates by African Americans and Caucasians, then how do we get more of the white users and dealers convicted and incarcerated?    
• How do we create more fair treatment of African Americans at all levels of the criminal justice system?  And in portrayals of the criminal justice system by the media?  
• Why do we have mandatory minimum sentences on drug crimes?  Why can't we give judges the discretion to impose a harsh sentence where appropriate and a more lenient sentence where appropriate?  
• What is accomplished by not allowing felons or ex-felons the right to vote?
• Can we find a way to more narrowly tailor the restrictions ex-felons face, particularly in employment and housing?  Or come up with some separate program to support ex-felons as they re-enter society, so that they don't turn back to a life of crime because all the employment and housing doors are closed in mainstream society?  

If these ideas spark your interest - whether they strike you as right or wrong - then I would really suggest you read the book.  I have just skimmed the briefest surface in this post.  I don't fully buy into Alexander's thesis, but I learned a lot from this book and would highly recommend it.

Family & Josh health update August 2014

This week, we arrived home after two months of driving across the country and back.  We had a GREAT time seeing everyone - Reno friends and family, Nebraska friends and family - and it was sad to say goodbye to our two homes away from home.  But it's nice to be back in our own house, it's nice not be living out of a suitcase, and it's nice to get into a daily routine that will last more than a week or two :).

I wanted to write an update on Joshua's  health, since we have some really good things to report and also a couple prayer requests.  First, the good things:

• Oral feeding is going well!  We had our ups and downs during the summer, as our routine was constantly changing and for some reason J seemed to get sick every 3 weeks or so.  But he ate well enough to maintain his weight through the summer, which is really exciting and a huge step towards us being able to take the g-button out.  He has also learned to take his daily medications by mouth (or to put it more accurately, i have learned how to grind them up and hide them in his yogurt).  So now we will see if he continues to eat well this fall, and hope to take the G-button out around Christmas.
• J's speech continues to improve.  Last summer, J struggled to put together 2 word sentences, which was considered to be a significant delay.  This summer, he regularly strings together 5+ word sentences and he's doing much more interactive and spontaneous talking.  He hasn't had his speech evaluated recently, but it seems like he's making great progress.  One great thing about the road trip was that he got lots of cousin time in both Reno and Lincoln, as well as lots of new experiences, and I think both of those things were helpful for his speech. 

Prayer requests:

• Upcoming surgery - J has surgery scheduled for this Friday to get ear tubes placed and to get some dental work done.  This should be a simple set of procedures and they are not admitting him, but surgery is always a little scary.  Also, this is the first time that he will be aware of what's going on as we take him in for surgery, so I would especially appreciate prayers for peace and calm for J as he goes back to the OR and as he recovers from anesthesia.  
• Genetics appointment - In mid-September, we're taking J in for a genetics consult.  This appointment is always nerve-wracking because they can deliver information that has life-long implications.  It will be interesting to see how that appointment goes because apparently East Coast geneticists and West Coast geneticists do things differently.  West Coast geneticists, which is the only type J has seen so far, diagnose based primarily on physical examination, family history, etc.  East Coast geneticists are (supposedly) much more likely to do blood and DNA testing.  [By the way, as a total sidebar, it is SHOCKING how differently *really important* medical procedures are handled based on where your child was born.  Since J was treated at University of Utah as an infant, he got a jaw distraction to help with his breathing.  If he would have been treated in Virginia, he would have been trached.  Most of his specialists doctors out here have never seen a PRS child that wasn't trached.  We are extremely glad that J was born in a place where jaw distraction was offered as a treatment option rather than going straight for the trach.  End sidebar.]  So it will be interesting to see if the East Coast geneticists want to do a bunch of testing since minimal blood testing was done out in Utah.  

Other than that, life is back to normal around here.  J starts school after Labor Day and we are going to attempt potty training before then, so wish me luck!

Reno Myths Debunked and Trip Update

Reno is a unique town, and i mean that in the literal sense of the word ("being the only one of its kind").  Thanks to shows like Reno 911 and pop culture references like Johnny Cash's line "I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die", everyone has an idea of what Reno is like -- but many people haven't actually visited Reno.  So without further ado, here are some popular Reno myths, debunked:

#1:  Reno is just like Vegas, except smaller and seedier.  This summarizes most of the other myths, so I will break down why this is wrong in more detail below -- but Reno is WAY different than Vegas, and I think most everyone who lives in or is associated with Reno (including me) vastly prefers Reno over Vegas.

#2:  Reno and Vegas are geographically close to each other.  When I was in law school, the career counselor (who knew that we were considering Reno as a possible destination) kept sending me job listings in Las Vegas.  Reno is 452 miles - an 8 hour drive - from Las Vegas.  Commutes from Reno that would be much more doable than Vegas:  Lake Tahoe (48 minutes); Sacramento (2 hours); or San Francisco (3.5 hours).

#3:  Like Vegas, Reno's topography is all desert.  The first time I visited Reno, I was stunned by its beauty.  Reno is surrounded by the Sierra Nevada mountains and the Truckee River flows through the center of town. To the east of Reno is desert, but to the west is Lake Tahoe, and Reno draws geographic characteristics from both.  There are dusty mountain trails lined with sage brush, but there is also lots of green space and an alpine feel.

#4:  Like Vegas, Reno is unseasonably hot all the time.  Reno gets all 4 seasons, but the brutality of winter and the intensity of summer are subdued by the desert climate.  The temperatures get into the 100s in the heart of summer, but thanks to the desert climate, it cools down to 70 or below every single night.

#5:  Like Vegas, Reno culture is dominated by casinos.  While the casinos do play a part, local culture is also heavily influenced by:

• Reno's frontier history:  there is a heavy independent / libertarian sentiment here.  
• California influence:  California is less than an hour away, and you can see that influence in all sorts of things - the main example that comes to mind is, at the grocery store, the organic section is bigger than the meat section.
• Outdoorsy types:  If you are into outdoor sports, Reno is a wonderland.  In the summer, mountain biking, hiking, trail running, backpacking, kayaking, etc. are all easily available.  In the winter, the slopes of Lake Tahoe are less than an hour away.  This plays a significant part in what people do with their free time and expendable income.  

It would be dishonest to say that casinos have no effect on local culture.  They dominate downtown, they draw in tourists, and they boast some of the nicest restaurants and bars in town.  Because they advertise using scantily clad women, you see a lot more skin driving around Reno than other towns.  Although locals mostly avoid casinos, you can't avoid being around gambling - there are slot machines in every grocery store and gas station.  But when you live here, you get used to the casinos and slot machines really quickly, and soon you hardly notice them.

#6:  Prostitution is legal in Reno.  It's legal in other parts of Nevada, but not in Reno city limits.

#7:  All-you-can-eat sushi is a big thing in Reno.  This is true.  And it's glorious.  If I was a competitive eater, my food of choice would be sushi.

Thus concludes my Reno myth debunking, but Reno friends, please feel free to add to the list.
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For part two of the blog, here is a recap with the highlights of our Reno trip this summer.

-Family and friends time!  I am really blessed to have awesome in-laws.  (My mother-in-law Betty is pictured above reading a story to J.)  They are so kind, generous, and fun to be around.  And they allow (and even encourage!) us to crash with them for a month at a time.  This is no small thing when you've got two toddlers running around making noise and messes at all hours of the day.  I'm so grateful for them.  We also got to see lots of friends on this trip and attended some really fun get-togethers (including a children's tea party, pictured below, and a food truck rally).

- Wherever we are in our travels, we spend a lot of time at these places:  the park, the mall, the library, and the Children's Museum (or zoo / aquarium / local museum of choice).  Reno has a really nice children's museum complete with a model Truckee River, a star gazing room, a mining tunnel, an art room, and multiple block building rooms.  The kids loved it.

- Lake Tahoe - we made it up twice this month  First, we took the kids up for a beach day with their cousins and a good time was had by all.  (Joshua spent over an hour playing with a piece of drift wood, pretending it was a train.)  Second, Kenny and I had a really fun double date with Kenny's brother Jason and his wife Naomi to see As  You Like It at the Tahoe Shakespeare Festival.

- Dates with the hubs - this is the time of year when Kenny and I really get to spend one-on-one time together outside of the house, and it's so nice.

- Running on the Steamboat Ditch Trail - a couple times each week, I ran on this mountain trail near my mother-in-law's house.  It is so beautiful and peaceful and reminded me of Alamosa.

So now we are starting the journey back East.  In a couple days, we'll arrive in Nebraska, stay with my parents for 10 days, and then head home.  Hope to see some of you along the way!
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