Thoughts on Marriage, 11 Years In

Celebrating our first anniversary!

Kenny and I are celebrating 11 years of marriage this week!  I don't blog (or even Facebook) about marriage that much because, although I have a great partner, it's the area of my life more than any other that I am still figuring out and that I feel least worthy of giving advice and reflections.  But, eleven years into matrimony, and smack in the middle of the time of life where both career and family life are extremely busy, these are the tips that feel most helpful (some given from others, some learned the hard way, some still very much being learned):

• Effort is huge - None of us can be perfect for our partners, and none of us should expect perfection from our partners - but it means so much when you can see that they are trying.  Trying to work on weaknesses, trying to think about what your partner wants when it's always easier to think first about what you want, etc.  I think it also makes you feel more invested in the marriage when you are choosing to make an effort.  

• Communication is huge - If this was an easy one to summarize (or to execute), then there would be very little need for marriage counselors, marriage books, etc.  And I am especially still a work in progress in this area.  But here's a small piece of the communication puzzle that's helpful to me:  don't let things like worries and annoyances build into a huge mountain in your head without talking about them.  Some things are easier to solve than others, but your partner doesn't even get the chance to offer his or her perspective, or try to change, or offer reassurance - unless the thing gets communicated in the first place.  I like to keep smooth waters above all else, so this is hard for me, but it's so important.  

• Don't compare; figure out what works for you - Have you ever had the experience where you were happy with some area of your life (it could be anything - your career, your vacation plans, your hairstyle of the day), and then you get on Facebook and see someone who's (allegedly) killing it in that area and suddenly you feel envious?  Or they are doing things differently, and it makes you feel inadequate?  If you are happy with how things are going in your relationship, don't worry about what's going on with other people.  ESPECIALLY don't worry about it as portrayed in the glossy perfection of social media.  

• Small things add up - In this stage of babies and career building and life is busy, the small things really matter - things like saying thank you, offering even short breaks from the kids (thank you Kenny!!), sending a quick text or email to show you're thinking of the other person - it's great to do them, and it's great to appreciate when the other person does them.  And this is hard, but it's good to try to remember that if a person does something every single time (like make the coffee, or pay the water bill) - that's reason to be all the more grateful, not to take it for granted.

• Manage expectations.  Are you exhausted?  So is your partner.  Cut each other some slack.  Many nights are going to look like crashing together in front of the TV rather than deep, hours long conversations.  

• But don't forget each other altogether.  Do remember that your couplehood existed before kids, and the hope is that it will continue to exist after the kids grow up, so it is vital to keep feeding into it as much as you possibly can.  Regular dates are super helpful - I know this advice is grating when you would love nothing more than a night out on the town sans kids, but it's not possible to actually get out of the house due to budget constraints and lack of babysitting / respite - as long as you're finding regular time to connect without the kids in your face, it doesn't have to look like dinner and a movie.  But if there are things you can do to facilitate the possibility of more dates (such as babysitting swap, move closer to family, restructure budget, etc.), I think they are a worthwhile investment in keeping the marriage strong.   

• Take opportunities to celebrate.  If you are married with kids, life can feel like a non-stop barrage of occasions that have to be celebrated, between birthdays and anniversary and the various holidays.  Appreciate them for the blessings they are.  It doesn't have to look like a bunch of money spent for diamond jewelry and a 5 course meal, but find ways to make the occasions special.  When I think back to my childhood, so many of my best memories are from things like birthdays, holidays, and vacations - it's harder when you're the adult, because you're the one in charge of making it special - but these milestone markers continue to be the days that generate the best memories.  

I would love to hear others weigh in on the best marriage advice you have received.  Especially from those who have been married for decades - what wisdom can you impart?