Book Review: "12 Ways Your Phone is Changing You"

                                        

I just read "12 Ways Your Phone is Changing You" by Tony Reinke, and I liked it so much that I'm doing a book review.  This is a Christian living book that encourages us to think critically about our smartphone use.  I read this book in preparation for an upcoming book club, and to be honest, I was hesitant to read a book about how bad social media / smartphone use is.  I like seeing what my friends are up to, I like showing them what I'm up to, and I feel like it's been trendy for years to bash it.  I know there are ways that social medias and smartphones aren't the best for us, but I wasn't really looking to dive into it.  

However, this book overcame my hesitations by being what I needed even if it wasn't what I thought I wanted.  It's got a really fresh take that is both deeply practical and theological.  It acknowledges that phones can be great tools for work, life, and friendship, and it's not urging most of us to give up our smartphones or even (necessarily) our social media accounts.  Instead, in a series of twelve short chapters, it helped me think critically about why am I posting, commenting, or scrolling at any given moment, and what effect is this having on me and others (both virtually and in real life).  The bottom line question it asks the reader to consider is, "What is the best use of my smart phone in the flourishing of my life?"

There is a ton of good food for thought in this book.  Here are just some of the quotes / points that stuck out to me while reading the book:

• Real Life v. Online Interactions:  When most of our social interaction is online rather than in person, we're losing some important things, so we should make a point of prioritizing in person gatherings.  "We gather to be seen, to feel awkward, and perhaps to feel a little unheard and underappreciated, all on purpose...This feeling of awkwardness, this leaving the safety of our online friendships, this mingling with people we don't know or understand in our local churches is incredibly valuable for our souls." (pgs. 72-73)
• Approval junkie:  Most social media networks don't let you post without some kind of metric of approval attached, and it's really hard not to pay attention and start posting in ways that drive up the likes - we should pay attention to how much we're chasing approval as we post and comment.  "We will go on reproducing ourselves, bingeing on man's approval, and starting each day with an approval hangover.  Then we need the antidote of new affirmation from our friends to keep convincing ourselves that our lives are meaningful." (p. 76)
• Deep thoughts / wisdom v. the trivial:  I really want to spend my time and attention on thing things that make me able to think better / deeper / wiser thoughts, and scrolling through newsfeeds is just not a great way to do this - we should pay attention to when we've moved past actual friends giving actual updates, and on to filler.  "Online information is increasingly hyperpalatable, akin to alluring junk food.  Breaking news, tabloid gossip, viral memes, and the latest controversies in sports, politics, and entertainment all draw us to our phones as if they were deep-fried Twinkies held out on sticks at the state fair.  Digital delicacies are eye grabbing and appealing, but they lack nutrition." (pgs. 146-147)
• Emotionally shallow:  When you scroll through a newsfeed, you might jump straight from someone announcing a death (deep sorrow), to someone making a birth announcement (great joy), to a political post that makes you angry - we feel each of these things very briefly, and then keep scrolling to the next post and the next emotion.  Little by little, this takes away our muscle memory for feeling deeply those things that should be felt deeply and dwelt on for more than five seconds.
• Hope v. Despair:  A focus on God's promises helps us look to new mercies every morning; a focus on the news or newsfeed will instead show us new tragedies every morning (whichever side we are on), and get us caught up in the here and now.  This isn't to say that we should never act, vote, or speak up on behalf of injustice - this is more a question of whether we are allowing ourselves to drown in the despair of the temporal, or if we are being lifted by the hope of the gospel.  

These are just a few sample thoughts that I found especially helpful.  There are chapters about distraction, about time waste, about the bad roads that bad content can lead us down, and much more.  This all sounds pretty doom and gloom, but the good news is, much of this can be helped by thinking critically about how and why you're using your phone (which is what this book helps us do so well), and changing things up when you find things you don't like.  

For example, this book has encouraged me to edit what posts I'm seeing (getting to the hope v. despair point), and to pause and feel it or reach out if I see something that merits a deeper emotional response (getting to the emotionally shallow point).  I'm still working on reducing the amount of time I spend mindlessly scrolling after I've gotten through updates that I really want to see, and the approval junkie thing is still a big struggle for me. Those are both going to be hard ones to break, but it's a good start to even be thinking about it.  

I highly recommend this book for anyone who wants to think through the theme of the book:  "What is the best use of my smart phone in the flourishing of my life?"

Advocacy without Anxiety

Have you ever had a problem that puzzled around in your brain for years, and you kind of knew the pieces to the answer but they were fuzzy and hard to fit together, and then someone states the answer in such a clear and helpful way?  That happened for me this week!

Here's the problem:  How do you reconcile working really hard to solve a problem - doing ongoing research, being the squeaky wheel, leaving no stone unturned, pushing for solutions - with resting in the sovereignty of God?  How can you do both at the same time?  I've blogged about this before here.  In the disability world, it's hard to strike the right balance where you provide rigorous advocacy for your child, but at the same time balance that with a calm spirit that can trust God and let things rest rather than falling into a huge anxiety sinkhole.   This is where my anxiety v. problem solving rubber meets the road, but the question can apply to a wide variety of situations.

And here's the helpful idea I heard from my friend:  Look at the example of Moses' family in the beginning of Exodus.  When Moses was born, the Egyptians were killing all Hebrew baby boys.  Moses' mom hid him for 3 months, then sent him down the river in a basket towards the Egyptians.  Moses' sister Miriam follows the basket.  Pharaoh's daughter (ie the daughter of the king who ordered the mass slaughter) finds the basket and takes pity on the infant.  Miriam is standing by, and offers to take the baby back to a Hebrew nurse (his mom) until he's older, and Pharaoh's daughter takes her up on this offer.  So Moses is spared, raised by his own biological family during his early years, raised in the royal house during his later childhood, and then goes on to be a great leader of God's people.  

In this story, you can see that God is clearly in control, and that Moses wouldn't have been spared and wouldn't have had his exact life path without God providentially guiding events the entire way.  But you can also see that Moses' mom and Moses' sister take every practical step they can to try to save the life of Moses, and that God uses these efforts to further His good plan.  

The practical application I get from this story is this:  God is in control throughout the moment to moment events of our life.  BUT, it's not a lack of faith to take all practical steps possible to advocate for the people in your life who you are charged with helping.  This is exactly what we are supposed to do.  And once we've done that, we can rest in the fact that God is in control, He is good, and we can't mess up what He has already planned.  You do everything you can; then rest in God - both, ongoing, at the same time. (This is a lot like my understanding of how prayer works)

I found this example so helpful, so wanted to share in case it could be helpful to anyone else.  

Friendships in the Time of Covid

Another covid post!  It's been a weird 16 months for social interactions:  first we're all told to stay apart or we might all infect each other with a deadly disease; then we all try to learn Zoom and how to make interactions over Zoom feel anything resembling normal or fun; then we creep back into the world of in person interaction before vaccines are available, but this is still either looking like masked / outdoor / social distanced, or an ever present feeling of guilt, fear, and dread if you neglect any of these precautions.  Or, minimal social interactions, because all of these options are so bad or too high risk.  

Now we are finally in the time where every American adult who wants a vaccine can get one, and where the CDC says it's safe to interact like normal once we've been vaccinated (for many of us - understanding that there are some who still need to proceed with caution to protect vulnerable household members) - but it's been 15 months of our brains being rewired to fear and avoid each other, something that's hard to drop instantaneously.   

So, if it's feeling like a weird time, if some friendships have gone on the backburner or gone dormant, if it feels hard to get back to normal, I think it's good to acknowledge that there are real, staggering, unusual reasons why this is so, and that it might take a minute to move past the above set of challenges.  

Cousins together after 18 months apart

But also, I see all around me reminders of how important friendship is and how much it has been missed during this last year and a half.  Is there any better social media post than the friends and family who have been separated for a year or more and can finally get back together in person?  Doesn't it feel so amazing to get together for all the things we missed last year, like holiday bbqs and lake days and birthday parties?  I just saw my own extended family in Oregon, many of whom I hadn't seen since December 2019, and it was all the sweeter knowing that we had missed our family get togethers last summer and last winter.  

So, if it's feeling like an amazing time, if you're finally able to enjoy the belly laughs and long conversations about everything and nothing, then hurray!  Enjoy basking in the joy of friendship.  

Then there are the relationships where friends are on different pages about readiness to get back together, or to attend certain gatherings, or about what precautions are okay to forego.  My opinion is that this is an excellent chance to use the ministry of meeting more than halfway (just learned this phrase from Jen Wilkin yesterday!  Isn't it a good one?).  If a friend will get together but still wants to mask or be outside, and you don't feel like this is necessary, I think it shows respect for the friend's feelings and situation, and for the amount you value them as a friend, to be willing to do the thing that you find uncomfortable or unneccessary.  I would be interested to hear what others think about this situation.

I'll end with this quote that describes my favorite friendships, and I wish you well as you navigate covid and friendships!

Adaptive Sports Love

We just finished a week of adaptive bike camp, and it was a great experience!  I'm writing a blog post about it in case there are any of you who are wondering what it's like, who might be pondering signing your kids up for an adaptive sports program, or who are looking for volunteer opportunities.  

What adaptive sports programs are like

In some ways, it's just like a normal sports camp.  You show up for five days in a row and spend a bunch of time practicing that sport or activity.  There are leaders, volunteers, and campers.  Disney music plays from the speakers.  Parents and grandparents congregate on the sidelines and try to keep younger siblings occupied.  The main distinctives that make the camp adaptive are these:

- There are more volunteers per camper.  In this camp, and the others that I'm aware of, there is at least one volunteer per camper, and sometimes two or three.   They make sure campers get the support they need to meet physical and any other needs.

- There is special adaptive equipment.  It would take too long to get into the details here, but they have special equipment that moves riders through a series that is more gradual than just training wheels to Boom, on your own riding.  

- It's more broken down.  In cycling, it recognizes that there are lots of different skills happening at once - the cycling motion, balance, steering, braking, speed tolerance, awareness of other riders around you, leaning into the turn, etc.  And the staff finds ways to isolate those skills rather than working on everything altogether at once, which can be overwhelming.

- It's more individualized.  This is partly possible because of the huge number of volunteers.  Every rider is starting in a different place, has different things to work on, has different strengths and weaknesses, and will move through at their own pace.  These camps can meet kids where they are, treat them as an individual, and give them the unique help that they need.  

Why your kid should do it!

The main reason we signed up for this bike camp was because we were hoping to see progress in the sport.  We did see really good forward progress, both in terms of excitement about biking and physical skills.  It's still a work in progress, but we started the camp at square one, and I'm thrilled how far he was able to come in a week.  But that was not actually the best part.

The best thing was the positive, encouraging environment from everyone - the staff, the volunteers, the parents, the fellow riders - everyone was supportive of everyone else, and all progress was celebrated.  This is not an experience that kids with disabilities get to have all the time, particularly in extra-curriculars and sports.  I didn't realize how much it would mean to my kid to gain some new sports skills, to be cheered on and supported in a sports environment, to get a medal at the end - there was a happiness and confidence that he took away from participating in this camp that took me by surprise.  

It was also really useful for me to see the value of having skills broken down.  Until this camp, I thought anxiety / unwillingness was his main barrier to biking.  I can now see that the anxiety was telling me that there were too many pieces to learn all at once when you're just thrown on a bike, but that if it was broken down in a more accessible way, it was a skill that he was very willing and eager and excited to learn.  It broadened my perspective of how things should be approached, what anxiety might be saying, and what is possible within the realm of sports.

Why you might like volunteering for an adaptive sports program

The biggest reason is that it's rewarding!  As stated above, it's a very positive environment -  the campers are happy to be there, and the parents are happy to see their kids happy.  You see progress happen throughout the week, and you get to be a part of that progress.

If you love a particular sport, it's a way to give back within a community that you love and are very familiar with.  This experience makes me want to someday get involved with adaptive track and field.

Some other logistical reasons:  It's a low time commitment - this was about 2 hours per day for 5 days.  You are physically active during your time frame (which might be a plus or minus for you, but it's a way to combine exercise and volunteering).  It's easy to learn - the trained staff will handle the hard parts, and you mostly offer encouragement and a helping hand.

Thank you to those of you who do give your time this way - it's much appreciated by this mama!

A few more questions...

How can I figure out if this is right for my kid?  This might be asked from the "high functioning" or "low functioning" perspective (I'm not a huge fan of those terms, in part because what do they even mean? - in this case, I'm meaning it in relation to ability to do the sport).  These programs will give very specific criteria about who is eligible to participate in their program - if your kid meets the criteria, they are right for the program.  At our camp, there was a wide range of participants, both in terms of age and ability.

How can I figure out the reputation of my local adaptive program?  Ask your child's speech therapist, OT, physical therapist, etc.  If this is a program that is held every year, they will have had many of their clients go through it and will likely have heard the good, bad, and ugly from both parents and kids.  Also, there is often a local Facebook special needs group, and these groups can give you all kinds of feedback on adaptive programs.  

Thus concludes my tome about adaptive sports programs.  Thank you to all of you who make adaptive sports programs possible, and I'm hoping this might encourage a few others to check it out, either as participants or volunteers.

How Did School Go?

The school year, one that all of us will remember forever, is drawing to a close.  This summer, I wasn't sure how we were going to make it work no matter what type of school we chose.  I was worried about the kids' physical health, mental / social / emotional health, learning, and development, and it seemed like all of the choices involved gigantic trade-offs.  We ended up putting Josh in school based distance learning, Zoey in full time in person learning, and Ivy in home school.  I'm happy to say that, as a whole, the year went WAY better than expected.  Here's a little more info on how it went for all of them, for those who are interested:

Josh (Distance Learning) - Josh was the one that I felt most backed into the corner and unsure on the learning choice.  His doctors advised that he stay home.  We wanted his IEP to continue, which didn't seem like an option with home school (i think maybe it would've been with some extended working it out, but neither me nor the school had time for that).  Zoom learning all day long sounded dreadful.  As it turns out, this is a format that has worked great for Josh (and I'm so grateful, because I know this has not been the case for many kids, and we did nothing special to make this happen, it was just a lucky break).  The teacher is awesome and has worked really hard to make it as good as can be.  The schedule gives breaks throughout the day.  I've been able to help him in places where he gets stuck, which has allowed him to show the knowledge he has.  (This is particularly helpful in things like writing, science, and social studies, where he has lots of good ideas, but it helps him to have someone be the scribe as he gets his words out orally.)  I think there are important things he gets from being in school in person - learning to act independently, friendships, the team of professional teachers and therapists providing the education - but the positive experience of him being home this year is making me think more open mindedly about what might be best for him in the future regarding school.  

Zoey (In Person Learning) - Reno offered full time in person learning for elementary students starting way back in August, so Zoey's been attending in person for the entire school year.  Our school required masks for all students, kept each class size small and more podded than usual (lunch in classrooms, no assemblies, etc.), did hand washing each time students left and re-entered the classroom.  The school did not have any outbreaks that caused the entire school to shut down, and I will also say that, due to these covid protocols, we didn't have any of the viruses that we usually deal with during the winter months (hurray!!).  Zoey was so happy to be back in person.  She loves her teacher, she enjoys classroom friends, and she strongly prefers in person learning to Zoom screens.  I don't think she minds wearing the mask much, and I don't think the year has felt nearly as different to her as it probably does to the teachers who have to adhere to the covid restrictions.  

[May 18th Addendum:  This week, as the CDC made their announcement that vaccinated people are safe to unmask while unvaccinated people should continue to mask, our school district made the baffling decision to let ages 9 and under unmask, while continuing to require all adults (including the many who have been vaccinated) to mask.  This seems to me to be the exact opposite of what the CDC said to do, and puts students who are in families who are still trying to protect vulnerable ones in a very awkward and difficult situation - school leaders are saying you can unmask, school peers are largely unmasking, parents and doctors are still telling you to mask, and you're a kid who shouldn't be in this awkward position.  I'm not happy about this at all, but it should be noted that most in the district seem to be rejoicing over the newfound freedom for their kids.]  

Ivy ("Home School") - This path has been the hardest.  Ivy is a delight, so it's not about her - it's that, by the time kids hit ages 3-5, it's fun to be able to take them out in the world.  If there was no covid and no distance learning, I would have used this year to take her to playdates and library story time and museums and parks and hikes.  Instead, at least during the school hours of M-F 9-5, we had to be home, and I often had to be ready to break to help Josh with school stuff.  Ivy and I started strong with workbooks and board games and puzzles, but we've been through our entire collection soooo many times and we're both pretty over it.  Book time and art time are still really good, and we're both happy with the warming weather to enjoy more outdoor time.  But this is the one where the constraints of the year have been the hardest.  Ivy has one more year before she starts kindergarten, so I'm hoping that year will allow for more of the out and about life that both of us are craving.

In conclusion - tons of credit to the hard working school staff, who have figured out new ways to do everything about their job in order to reach kids.  For in person learners, I think the adaptability of kids was a help - many of them can handle wearing masks and changes in routine better than us adults - and it sounds like the year was positive, not just for my kid but for most.  For distance learning, that went well for us by the grace of God, and I'm sorry to those of you who have had a more difficult time of it.  And for homeschool, we're happy to see the world opening back up and looking forward to enjoying it!

I would love to hear how the school year went for all of you, both local Northern Nevada friends and friends in other places in the country and world!  Tell me in the comments!

Working on Empathy

Recently I had an interaction with a friend where she shared a new idea that she was thinking about.  It was an idea that I didn't fully understand, hadn't done the work to really learn about, but immediately had some problems with.  My friend told me that this idea had really impacted her.  And instead of taking that intermediate step to ask her more about why it meant so much to her, or taking some time to learn more about it, I immediately began spewing out my critiques.  (I know at this point I've probably generated some interest in what the idea is - anti-spoiler alert - I'm not going to get into it, as it will distract from the larger point of this post.  But if we see each other in real life, feel free to ask, it's not a state secret :).  

My friend handled the situation super well.  She didn't fire back at me with a verbal grenade, nor did she sweep it under the rug - she told me, kindly and gently, that the way I just started attacking without first hearing her heart and having some discussion about it, did not create a welcome space to discuss ideas.  I apologized and we ended on good terms, but the whole interaction has me thinking about whether I do this way more than I realize, both in real life and on the Internet.

What causes this problem, this failure to listen first and to carefully and respectfully consider the other person's idea without immediately planning my rebuttal if it's something I disagree with?  I think part of it is the influence of society - our dramatically polarized, everything-is-black-and-white-and-there-are-no-shades-of-grey cultural moment that pounds us with this style of interaction on all forms of media.  But for me, the bigger thing is pride - thinking that I know the right answer, and therefore it doesn't matter what the other person says because there is no chance that it will change my mind.  And lack of empathy, because even if it's true that I'm right and I won't and shouldn't change my mind, it's going to actively harm my relationship with other people if I can't find the humility to at least listen to where they're coming from.  

So here are some of the grids I'm trying to run responses to ideas through, towards the goal of better engaging with people:

1.  Ask questions about time / place / manner, such as: "Do criticisms need to be made at all?  If yes, is this the right time to do it?  Could the tone of a text or email be misinterpreted and maybe this should be a phone call?  Could a Facebook comment about this turn into a public argument with people I don't even know, and would this discussion be better by private message?"

2.  Before I launch into criticism, have I really listened to and considered what the other person is saying?  Am I taking their heart into consideration in my response, even if we continue to disagree on certain things?

3.  If I see that I have failed at being a good listener, or that I am the one in the wrong in the content of my ideas, can I have the humility to admit my mistake, apologize, and keep engaging, rather than getting defensive or just peacing out of the conversation?

In conclusion -  I want to do better on this.  When you see me failing to listen first, to show love before criticism, please call me out.  And please share additional ideas in the comments!

Some Disability Related Thoughts: spring 2021 edition

Happy March, everyone!  I've slowed way down on the disability related blog posts, but I have a few thoughts knocking around in my head and they are ready to fly out into the world.  Here is a collection of things that I would love it if everyone heard this perspective (our teachers, therapists, and other nearest and dearest are great about all this stuff - this goes out to the wider world):

1.  Short order cooking is fine.  There is a frequently stated idea that everyone in the family should be eating the same food - this is easier and cheaper for the food preparer, (sometimes) healthier, and (sometimes) will cause the kids to eat a better diversity of foods.  People like to proclaim that they won't be short order cooks, meaning cooking a different meal for different members of the family.  I'm not anti-pushing your kids to eat things that are healthy even if it's not their favorite -I've spent way too many hours of my life doing battles with my kids over eating grapes, and I do usually make my non-orally averse kids try at least a bite of new foods.  But this all-or-nothing short order cook thing fails to acknowledge the reality that many families have a family member who has an allergy, or who has a special diet for all sorts of reasons, or who has a strong food aversion.  And if you insisted on them eating the same as everyone else all the time, they would have a terrible physical / emotional reaction and/or starve.  I would love it if the dialogue around this was much more forgiving:  ie, "It's great if everyone in your family shares the same meal, but fed is best.  Do whatever works best for the health and happiness of your family, and this might very well be short order cooking."  

2.  When kids have a speech or writing disorder, it doesn't mean that they have nothing to say.  It might mean that they need more time to get their words out, or they might need an alternative way to communicate something., but there are often lots of cool ideas floating around in their head, just like with other kids.  Think about how frustrating it would be if you had all the same opinions and funny one liners and observations about the world as you do now, but you weren't given the time or tools to communicate those things?  And think about how great it would be if, after some experiences of not having the time and means to express your thoughts, you are eventually given the right time, tools, and training to communicate, and you blow people away?  If a kid is trying to talk and needs a little extra time to get through their sentence, it is so great when people give them that space and they get to express themselves.  

3.  When kids have trouble with the decoding part of reading, it does not mean they can't understand the content, or that they lack curiosity and eagerness to learn.  This is similar to point #2.  Kids might have trouble sounding out the word on a page, but then talk your ear off about the topic and ask questions at a depth that you can't answer without the help of Google and You Tube combined.  Decoding is an important skill to keep working on at a pace that's comfortable for the child, but there are more and more options for audio / video in both books and Internet content, and this lets kids keep learning when their understanding and curiosity outpaces their ability to read.  But if it's assumed that a kid's knowledge base and eagerness to learn is at exactly the same place as their ability to decode, for struggling readers that's going to be really limiting and frustrating.  (Our school teachers and staff have been AWESOME about separating these things out.)

4.  Whatever type of disability your child has, this does not diminish their worth, beauty, value as a human being, or unique contribution to the world.  I think for most of you reading this blog, this doesn't even need to be said.  But I would love to see this internalized by every maternal fetal specialist, every politician, and every person who makes decisions about who gets hospital care or dollar allocations.  I wish this could be felt and known by every parent who is newly receiving a tough diagnosis about their child.  Your child is amazing and will bring you so much joy and will bring out a part of your heart that you didn't even know existed! 

Parents of children with disabilities, what would you like to say to the world?