Friendships in the Time of Covid

Another covid post!  It's been a weird 16 months for social interactions:  first we're all told to stay apart or we might all infect each other with a deadly disease; then we all try to learn Zoom and how to make interactions over Zoom feel anything resembling normal or fun; then we creep back into the world of in person interaction before vaccines are available, but this is still either looking like masked / outdoor / social distanced, or an ever present feeling of guilt, fear, and dread if you neglect any of these precautions.  Or, minimal social interactions, because all of these options are so bad or too high risk.  

Now we are finally in the time where every American adult who wants a vaccine can get one, and where the CDC says it's safe to interact like normal once we've been vaccinated (for many of us - understanding that there are some who still need to proceed with caution to protect vulnerable household members) - but it's been 15 months of our brains being rewired to fear and avoid each other, something that's hard to drop instantaneously.   

So, if it's feeling like a weird time, if some friendships have gone on the backburner or gone dormant, if it feels hard to get back to normal, I think it's good to acknowledge that there are real, staggering, unusual reasons why this is so, and that it might take a minute to move past the above set of challenges.  

Cousins together after 18 months apart

But also, I see all around me reminders of how important friendship is and how much it has been missed during this last year and a half.  Is there any better social media post than the friends and family who have been separated for a year or more and can finally get back together in person?  Doesn't it feel so amazing to get together for all the things we missed last year, like holiday bbqs and lake days and birthday parties?  I just saw my own extended family in Oregon, many of whom I hadn't seen since December 2019, and it was all the sweeter knowing that we had missed our family get togethers last summer and last winter.  

So, if it's feeling like an amazing time, if you're finally able to enjoy the belly laughs and long conversations about everything and nothing, then hurray!  Enjoy basking in the joy of friendship.  

Then there are the relationships where friends are on different pages about readiness to get back together, or to attend certain gatherings, or about what precautions are okay to forego.  My opinion is that this is an excellent chance to use the ministry of meeting more than halfway (just learned this phrase from Jen Wilkin yesterday!  Isn't it a good one?).  If a friend will get together but still wants to mask or be outside, and you don't feel like this is necessary, I think it shows respect for the friend's feelings and situation, and for the amount you value them as a friend, to be willing to do the thing that you find uncomfortable or unneccessary.  I would be interested to hear what others think about this situation.

I'll end with this quote that describes my favorite friendships, and I wish you well as you navigate covid and friendships!

Adaptive Sports Love

We just finished a week of adaptive bike camp, and it was a great experience!  I'm writing a blog post about it in case there are any of you who are wondering what it's like, who might be pondering signing your kids up for an adaptive sports program, or who are looking for volunteer opportunities.  

What adaptive sports programs are like

In some ways, it's just like a normal sports camp.  You show up for five days in a row and spend a bunch of time practicing that sport or activity.  There are leaders, volunteers, and campers.  Disney music plays from the speakers.  Parents and grandparents congregate on the sidelines and try to keep younger siblings occupied.  The main distinctives that make the camp adaptive are these:

- There are more volunteers per camper.  In this camp, and the others that I'm aware of, there is at least one volunteer per camper, and sometimes two or three.   They make sure campers get the support they need to meet physical and any other needs.

- There is special adaptive equipment.  It would take too long to get into the details here, but they have special equipment that moves riders through a series that is more gradual than just training wheels to Boom, on your own riding.  

- It's more broken down.  In cycling, it recognizes that there are lots of different skills happening at once - the cycling motion, balance, steering, braking, speed tolerance, awareness of other riders around you, leaning into the turn, etc.  And the staff finds ways to isolate those skills rather than working on everything altogether at once, which can be overwhelming.

- It's more individualized.  This is partly possible because of the huge number of volunteers.  Every rider is starting in a different place, has different things to work on, has different strengths and weaknesses, and will move through at their own pace.  These camps can meet kids where they are, treat them as an individual, and give them the unique help that they need.  

Why your kid should do it!

The main reason we signed up for this bike camp was because we were hoping to see progress in the sport.  We did see really good forward progress, both in terms of excitement about biking and physical skills.  It's still a work in progress, but we started the camp at square one, and I'm thrilled how far he was able to come in a week.  But that was not actually the best part.

The best thing was the positive, encouraging environment from everyone - the staff, the volunteers, the parents, the fellow riders - everyone was supportive of everyone else, and all progress was celebrated.  This is not an experience that kids with disabilities get to have all the time, particularly in extra-curriculars and sports.  I didn't realize how much it would mean to my kid to gain some new sports skills, to be cheered on and supported in a sports environment, to get a medal at the end - there was a happiness and confidence that he took away from participating in this camp that took me by surprise.  

It was also really useful for me to see the value of having skills broken down.  Until this camp, I thought anxiety / unwillingness was his main barrier to biking.  I can now see that the anxiety was telling me that there were too many pieces to learn all at once when you're just thrown on a bike, but that if it was broken down in a more accessible way, it was a skill that he was very willing and eager and excited to learn.  It broadened my perspective of how things should be approached, what anxiety might be saying, and what is possible within the realm of sports.

Why you might like volunteering for an adaptive sports program

The biggest reason is that it's rewarding!  As stated above, it's a very positive environment -  the campers are happy to be there, and the parents are happy to see their kids happy.  You see progress happen throughout the week, and you get to be a part of that progress.

If you love a particular sport, it's a way to give back within a community that you love and are very familiar with.  This experience makes me want to someday get involved with adaptive track and field.

Some other logistical reasons:  It's a low time commitment - this was about 2 hours per day for 5 days.  You are physically active during your time frame (which might be a plus or minus for you, but it's a way to combine exercise and volunteering).  It's easy to learn - the trained staff will handle the hard parts, and you mostly offer encouragement and a helping hand.

Thank you to those of you who do give your time this way - it's much appreciated by this mama!

A few more questions...

How can I figure out if this is right for my kid?  This might be asked from the "high functioning" or "low functioning" perspective (I'm not a huge fan of those terms, in part because what do they even mean? - in this case, I'm meaning it in relation to ability to do the sport).  These programs will give very specific criteria about who is eligible to participate in their program - if your kid meets the criteria, they are right for the program.  At our camp, there was a wide range of participants, both in terms of age and ability.

How can I figure out the reputation of my local adaptive program?  Ask your child's speech therapist, OT, physical therapist, etc.  If this is a program that is held every year, they will have had many of their clients go through it and will likely have heard the good, bad, and ugly from both parents and kids.  Also, there is often a local Facebook special needs group, and these groups can give you all kinds of feedback on adaptive programs.  

Thus concludes my tome about adaptive sports programs.  Thank you to all of you who make adaptive sports programs possible, and I'm hoping this might encourage a few others to check it out, either as participants or volunteers.

How Did School Go?

The school year, one that all of us will remember forever, is drawing to a close.  This summer, I wasn't sure how we were going to make it work no matter what type of school we chose.  I was worried about the kids' physical health, mental / social / emotional health, learning, and development, and it seemed like all of the choices involved gigantic trade-offs.  We ended up putting Josh in school based distance learning, Zoey in full time in person learning, and Ivy in home school.  I'm happy to say that, as a whole, the year went WAY better than expected.  Here's a little more info on how it went for all of them, for those who are interested:

Josh (Distance Learning) - Josh was the one that I felt most backed into the corner and unsure on the learning choice.  His doctors advised that he stay home.  We wanted his IEP to continue, which didn't seem like an option with home school (i think maybe it would've been with some extended working it out, but neither me nor the school had time for that).  Zoom learning all day long sounded dreadful.  As it turns out, this is a format that has worked great for Josh (and I'm so grateful, because I know this has not been the case for many kids, and we did nothing special to make this happen, it was just a lucky break).  The teacher is awesome and has worked really hard to make it as good as can be.  The schedule gives breaks throughout the day.  I've been able to help him in places where he gets stuck, which has allowed him to show the knowledge he has.  (This is particularly helpful in things like writing, science, and social studies, where he has lots of good ideas, but it helps him to have someone be the scribe as he gets his words out orally.)  I think there are important things he gets from being in school in person - learning to act independently, friendships, the team of professional teachers and therapists providing the education - but the positive experience of him being home this year is making me think more open mindedly about what might be best for him in the future regarding school.  

Zoey (In Person Learning) - Reno offered full time in person learning for elementary students starting way back in August, so Zoey's been attending in person for the entire school year.  Our school required masks for all students, kept each class size small and more podded than usual (lunch in classrooms, no assemblies, etc.), did hand washing each time students left and re-entered the classroom.  The school did not have any outbreaks that caused the entire school to shut down, and I will also say that, due to these covid protocols, we didn't have any of the viruses that we usually deal with during the winter months (hurray!!).  Zoey was so happy to be back in person.  She loves her teacher, she enjoys classroom friends, and she strongly prefers in person learning to Zoom screens.  I don't think she minds wearing the mask much, and I don't think the year has felt nearly as different to her as it probably does to the teachers who have to adhere to the covid restrictions.  

[May 18th Addendum:  This week, as the CDC made their announcement that vaccinated people are safe to unmask while unvaccinated people should continue to mask, our school district made the baffling decision to let ages 9 and under unmask, while continuing to require all adults (including the many who have been vaccinated) to mask.  This seems to me to be the exact opposite of what the CDC said to do, and puts students who are in families who are still trying to protect vulnerable ones in a very awkward and difficult situation - school leaders are saying you can unmask, school peers are largely unmasking, parents and doctors are still telling you to mask, and you're a kid who shouldn't be in this awkward position.  I'm not happy about this at all, but it should be noted that most in the district seem to be rejoicing over the newfound freedom for their kids.]  

Ivy ("Home School") - This path has been the hardest.  Ivy is a delight, so it's not about her - it's that, by the time kids hit ages 3-5, it's fun to be able to take them out in the world.  If there was no covid and no distance learning, I would have used this year to take her to playdates and library story time and museums and parks and hikes.  Instead, at least during the school hours of M-F 9-5, we had to be home, and I often had to be ready to break to help Josh with school stuff.  Ivy and I started strong with workbooks and board games and puzzles, but we've been through our entire collection soooo many times and we're both pretty over it.  Book time and art time are still really good, and we're both happy with the warming weather to enjoy more outdoor time.  But this is the one where the constraints of the year have been the hardest.  Ivy has one more year before she starts kindergarten, so I'm hoping that year will allow for more of the out and about life that both of us are craving.

In conclusion - tons of credit to the hard working school staff, who have figured out new ways to do everything about their job in order to reach kids.  For in person learners, I think the adaptability of kids was a help - many of them can handle wearing masks and changes in routine better than us adults - and it sounds like the year was positive, not just for my kid but for most.  For distance learning, that went well for us by the grace of God, and I'm sorry to those of you who have had a more difficult time of it.  And for homeschool, we're happy to see the world opening back up and looking forward to enjoying it!

I would love to hear how the school year went for all of you, both local Northern Nevada friends and friends in other places in the country and world!  Tell me in the comments!

Working on Empathy

Recently I had an interaction with a friend where she shared a new idea that she was thinking about.  It was an idea that I didn't fully understand, hadn't done the work to really learn about, but immediately had some problems with.  My friend told me that this idea had really impacted her.  And instead of taking that intermediate step to ask her more about why it meant so much to her, or taking some time to learn more about it, I immediately began spewing out my critiques.  (I know at this point I've probably generated some interest in what the idea is - anti-spoiler alert - I'm not going to get into it, as it will distract from the larger point of this post.  But if we see each other in real life, feel free to ask, it's not a state secret :).  

My friend handled the situation super well.  She didn't fire back at me with a verbal grenade, nor did she sweep it under the rug - she told me, kindly and gently, that the way I just started attacking without first hearing her heart and having some discussion about it, did not create a welcome space to discuss ideas.  I apologized and we ended on good terms, but the whole interaction has me thinking about whether I do this way more than I realize, both in real life and on the Internet.

What causes this problem, this failure to listen first and to carefully and respectfully consider the other person's idea without immediately planning my rebuttal if it's something I disagree with?  I think part of it is the influence of society - our dramatically polarized, everything-is-black-and-white-and-there-are-no-shades-of-grey cultural moment that pounds us with this style of interaction on all forms of media.  But for me, the bigger thing is pride - thinking that I know the right answer, and therefore it doesn't matter what the other person says because there is no chance that it will change my mind.  And lack of empathy, because even if it's true that I'm right and I won't and shouldn't change my mind, it's going to actively harm my relationship with other people if I can't find the humility to at least listen to where they're coming from.  

So here are some of the grids I'm trying to run responses to ideas through, towards the goal of better engaging with people:

1.  Ask questions about time / place / manner, such as: "Do criticisms need to be made at all?  If yes, is this the right time to do it?  Could the tone of a text or email be misinterpreted and maybe this should be a phone call?  Could a Facebook comment about this turn into a public argument with people I don't even know, and would this discussion be better by private message?"

2.  Before I launch into criticism, have I really listened to and considered what the other person is saying?  Am I taking their heart into consideration in my response, even if we continue to disagree on certain things?

3.  If I see that I have failed at being a good listener, or that I am the one in the wrong in the content of my ideas, can I have the humility to admit my mistake, apologize, and keep engaging, rather than getting defensive or just peacing out of the conversation?

In conclusion -  I want to do better on this.  When you see me failing to listen first, to show love before criticism, please call me out.  And please share additional ideas in the comments!

Some Disability Related Thoughts: spring 2021 edition

Happy March, everyone!  I've slowed way down on the disability related blog posts, but I have a few thoughts knocking around in my head and they are ready to fly out into the world.  Here is a collection of things that I would love it if everyone heard this perspective (our teachers, therapists, and other nearest and dearest are great about all this stuff - this goes out to the wider world):

1.  Short order cooking is fine.  There is a frequently stated idea that everyone in the family should be eating the same food - this is easier and cheaper for the food preparer, (sometimes) healthier, and (sometimes) will cause the kids to eat a better diversity of foods.  People like to proclaim that they won't be short order cooks, meaning cooking a different meal for different members of the family.  I'm not anti-pushing your kids to eat things that are healthy even if it's not their favorite -I've spent way too many hours of my life doing battles with my kids over eating grapes, and I do usually make my non-orally averse kids try at least a bite of new foods.  But this all-or-nothing short order cook thing fails to acknowledge the reality that many families have a family member who has an allergy, or who has a special diet for all sorts of reasons, or who has a strong food aversion.  And if you insisted on them eating the same as everyone else all the time, they would have a terrible physical / emotional reaction and/or starve.  I would love it if the dialogue around this was much more forgiving:  ie, "It's great if everyone in your family shares the same meal, but fed is best.  Do whatever works best for the health and happiness of your family, and this might very well be short order cooking."  

2.  When kids have a speech or writing disorder, it doesn't mean that they have nothing to say.  It might mean that they need more time to get their words out, or they might need an alternative way to communicate something., but there are often lots of cool ideas floating around in their head, just like with other kids.  Think about how frustrating it would be if you had all the same opinions and funny one liners and observations about the world as you do now, but you weren't given the time or tools to communicate those things?  And think about how great it would be if, after some experiences of not having the time and means to express your thoughts, you are eventually given the right time, tools, and training to communicate, and you blow people away?  If a kid is trying to talk and needs a little extra time to get through their sentence, it is so great when people give them that space and they get to express themselves.  

3.  When kids have trouble with the decoding part of reading, it does not mean they can't understand the content, or that they lack curiosity and eagerness to learn.  This is similar to point #2.  Kids might have trouble sounding out the word on a page, but then talk your ear off about the topic and ask questions at a depth that you can't answer without the help of Google and You Tube combined.  Decoding is an important skill to keep working on at a pace that's comfortable for the child, but there are more and more options for audio / video in both books and Internet content, and this lets kids keep learning when their understanding and curiosity outpaces their ability to read.  But if it's assumed that a kid's knowledge base and eagerness to learn is at exactly the same place as their ability to decode, for struggling readers that's going to be really limiting and frustrating.  (Our school teachers and staff have been AWESOME about separating these things out.)

4.  Whatever type of disability your child has, this does not diminish their worth, beauty, value as a human being, or unique contribution to the world.  I think for most of you reading this blog, this doesn't even need to be said.  But I would love to see this internalized by every maternal fetal specialist, every politician, and every person who makes decisions about who gets hospital care or dollar allocations.  I wish this could be felt and known by every parent who is newly receiving a tough diagnosis about their child.  Your child is amazing and will bring you so much joy and will bring out a part of your heart that you didn't even know existed! 

Parents of children with disabilities, what would you like to say to the world?

Mid Winter Reads

As every reader knows, one of life's great pleasures is getting a book recommendation from a friend, and having it be just the right book at just the right time, especially when it's something you never would've chosen for yourself.  I've had some books recommended in the last few months that fit this bill.  One of these is a faith based book, and the others are speculative fiction, but they all fit the description of mind expanding.  During the post-holiday, still in the thick of pandemic, cold and grey winter months,  I think books that get your focus away from yourself and expand your imagination beyond the here and now are perfect.

The first of these is a faith based book called "None Like Him:  10 Ways God Is Different From Us (And Why That's A Good Thing)" by Jen Wilkin.  It describes ten ways that God is not like us - for example:  how He is eternal, how He is everywhere, how He knows everything, how He does not change.  Much of it is hard to wrap my mind around, but it's exciting to think about the possibilities of a God that exists outside the limits of time and space and our scope of understanding.  The concepts are huge, but the writing is very  accessible and relatable.  I would recommend this highly if you're looking for a Christian living book that helps you expand your thinking about the vastness (in every sense of the word) of God.

And speaking of expanded imagination, the second category of books I'm enjoying lately is short story speculative fiction (specifically, "The Paper Menagerie and Other Stories" by Ken Liu and "Exhalation" by Ted Chiang).  I haven't done a lot of fantasy or sci-fi reading or viewing, and I have a few friends who might be falling out of their chair if they see me now *recommending* it, but it's been a good pairing with the above book ("None Like Him").  I'm a very concrete thinker, so it's hard for me to picture how anything might work outside of time and space as I can observe it - but if it's told in a story, it's a little easier to think about all the many ways things could work differently.  These books have time travel and parallel universe theory and aliens and futuristic technology - all told in captivating stories.

These books can provide a boost of imagination & wonder (as we see the possibilities), and humility (as we see our own limits of understanding & experience) - and man, could I use more of all those things!!

What are you enjoying reading and watching in these late winter months?   

My list of 40

I turned 40 last week!   I feel fine about hitting this milestone marker of middle age, but it does make me realize that the years won't keep rolling on forever, and it's worth pausing to think about what things I would like to see and do with the years that are left.  So I decided to make a list of 40 things that would be really fun to visit, experience, or learn - some are very doable, others are much more of a stretch.  

Before I get to my list, I want to emphasize that this is *not* a bucket list, or a YOLO manifesto.  I think real meaning and real joy come from where you direct your time, energy, and love day in and day out.  I hope at the end of my life that this looks more and more like loving God and loving people.  That's the goal that's far and away the most important to me.  These other things are more like fun extras, as opportunities come up.  

It's also worth noting that I didn't include anything career related, because this list doesn't feel like the place to muse about that.  Other than to say that if we're going to do any gallivanting around the globe, which is much of what populates this list, it would help if I start pitching in some income :).  

Here's the list!

1.  Visit Dollywood (this is a new idea, thanks to the podcast "Dolly Parton's America")

2.  Visit Tokyo

3.  Visit Columbian salt mines

4.  Run a sub 2 hour half marathon

5.  Compete in a triathlon

6.  Visit Glacier National Park

7.  Take a cruise around Alaska

8.  Visit Santorini and Athens

9.  Learn to play chess

10.  Visit the Belvedere Museum in Vienna to see many of Gustav Klimmt's paintings

11.  Go hiking in New Zealand

12.  Visit Israel and see the famous biblical landmarks

13.  Visit Rome

14.  In New York City:  walk across the Brooklyn Bridge, attend a live comedy show and/or taping of Saturday Night Live, eat a great slice of pizza.

15.  Visit South Africa

16.  Read a broader selection of genres (currently, I'm trying to read more speculative fiction and more mysteries)

17.  Climb Mt. St. Helens.

18.  Acquire some sheet music and start playing the piano again.  If that goes well, maybe learn the basics of how to play the ukulele.  

19.  See the Great Wall of China.  Bonus points if this is from a space shuttle.  

20.  Soak in hot springs in Costa Rica

21.  Visit Iceland

22.  Visit Mammoth Lakes

23.  Get basic proficiency in one or more of the following winter sports:  X-country skiing, downhill skiing, snowboarding, ice skating

24.  Visit Patagonia

25.  Visit Banff National Park

26.  Successfully camp with the kids.  This can be in our backyard.

27.  Attend the summer Olympics.

28.  Keep the blog going or find other ways to continue writing.

29.  Conquer an escape room

30.  Go to a presidential inauguration.  

31.  Climb Mt. Rose

32.  Learn to cook improvisationally without relying so heavily on recipes

33.  Hike Tahoe Rim Trail

34.  Hike the Inca Trail

35.  Take an art history class on Coursera and learn about impressionism

36.  See Counting Crows in concert

37.  Hike Bumpass Hell Trail in Lassen National Park

38.  Learn to cook an amazing holiday meal.

39.  See live music in New Orleans

40.  Go to a March Madness game, preferably with Duke playing.  

If you've done any of these, give me your best tips!  And let me know in the comments what you would put on a list like this.