30 days of gratitude, 2018. Day 1: About My Family

(I got this challenge from scaleitsimple.com)

One of the nice things about having a blog that you write just for fun is that you get to choose
your own pace of writing and posting.  This is also one of the hard things.  Fall is traditionally a slower time of blogging for me.  This is partly because there are many extras in our life this season (all the kids' birthdays, back to school and IEPs and Katie Beckett, all the holidays), and partly because my mood somewhat mirrors the seasons, so fall feels like a time for reflection and melancholy rather than prolific writing. 

However!  If you don't post at least once in awhile, then your blog dies. So I'm going to start my 30 days of gratitude early this year because 1) i want to keep the blog going, 2) my perspective could use a gratitude ramp up starting immediately; and 3) this will allow for a few days off of blogging between now and the end of November.

Here's the full 30 day challenge, if anyone wants to join in the fun!  I will put this first day up on Facebook, but the rest I will only post on my blog.

Day 1:  About my family...

I am grateful for Kenny because he is smart and thoughtful, and the way he thinks about life and faith and politics challenges me and makes me grow.  I'm grateful for his wry sense of humor.  I'm grateful for the musical interludes he brings to the house when he plays guitar.  I'm grateful for the way he sets goals and achieves them, and for the way he has dreams for the future.  I'm grateful for his creativity and his writing skills.  This list really just scratches the surface.

I am grateful for Josh because of his sweet smile, his sense of fun, his passion for the things he's interested in (and anyone who knows him knows what those things are!), his strength and persistence in the face of adversity, and his kind heart.

I'm grateful for Zoey because of her sensitive spirit, her sharp wit, her funny combination of strong feelings and empathy combined with a heavy dose of logic and rationality, her love for her rope, her creativity expressed through dancing, and her love for her family.

I am grateful for Ivy because she's always ready to have a dance party, she was born with more social and emotional intelligence than I will ever have, her big eyes see everything, and she brings so much fun and love to the family. 

I am grateful for Gus because he's loyal and affectionate and a good friend to all of us.

What are you grateful for about your family? 

Ode to the Blue Carpet

This blog post is an ode to our now removed blue carpet.  We changed out our flooring a few weeks ago, and I'm thrilled that we got that opportunity because it's now easier to clean, better for allergies and asthma, and better looking.  But the blue carpet was the defining look of the first 3 years in this house, so I want to post a few pictures in memory before I get to the before and after reveal at the end.

Nice soft surface for babies

Playing ferry boat - blue carpet doubles as pretend water

Soft surface for wrestling

Playing pirate boat, again with the pretend water

Posing for soooo many pictures

Soft surface for playtime

Now that I've paid proper tribute, here's the before and after reveal:

This is the before...

...and this is the after!

Liturgy of the Ordinary

I've been thinking about how to make my Christian faith a more organic, integrated part of my day to day life.  I'm doing okay on things like regular church attendance and regular quiet times, but even if those things are done with 100% faithfulness, they still just make up a small fraction of time in my week.  If my faith is the most important thing to me, it deserves more time and attention.  But how does that work out practically, with the demands of life?  With jobs and kids and household chores, not to mention the daily Facebook scrolling?  It already feels like a fight to carve out the fraction of time that's devoted to God.

I was looking for ideas along the ideas of Brother Lawrence's wonderful classic "The Practice of the Presence of God".  His idea is that you DO continue to go about your life - you peel potatoes, you wash dishes - and you stay in community with God at the same time.  I love this idea, and I was eager to find a book that fleshed out this idea as applied to modern life.  I found this book, and remarkably, it is also thoughtful, well written, funny, and steeped in good theology.  (And it will make you want to become an Anglican!  I am not currently Anglican, but I have a lot of love and respect for Anglicans.)  The book is called "Liturgy of the Ordinary: Sacred Practices in Everyday Life" by Tish Harrison Warren.

Warren takes eleven moments out of an ordinary day - things like brushing your teeth, losing your keys, checking email - and combines them with eleven spiritual practices in Christian life.  This sounds gimmicky, and in the wrong hands it certainly could be, but in this book it is SO well done.  (It's worth noting that The Gospel Coalition and Sarah Bessey both agree with my enthusiastic endorsement, so this book has a broad range of support in the Christian community.)  The idea is that there are reminders of God working in the world and working his redemption in us constantly, every day, in the most mundane moments, and she illuminates some of the ways we can watch for this and be blessed (or be challenged to grow) as we go about our lives.

Some highlights (these are just a few examples, as every chapter had great stuff; and these just give you an idea of the content, it's her fleshing out of the ideas that makes this book special):

• Losing your keys - this chapter was linked to confession, and the idea was that how you respond to the little irritations of life is a good barometer of where your heart is at.  Often we think of confession in relation to bigger things, but there are little moments every day where we lose our cool, or act selfishly, and the opportunity here is to notice this happening, and take the opportunity to confess and receive forgiveness and acceptance.  
• Calling a Friend - this chapter is linked to being in Christian community and gives a robust argument for being involved in a local church.  
• Eating Leftovers - this chapter was linked to both Communion and reading the Bible.  She talks about how you need to eat over and over, and while the vast majority of your meals will be very ordinary and forgettable, you absolutely need them to bring you life.  And that the type of food you eat can bring more or less health over time.  
• Fighting with My Husband - she links this with Passing the Peace, and writes about how the bulk of the "loving others" command in the Bible involves loving your family and closest friends well - and this is often the very hardest thing to do.  
• There is lots of value given to enjoying the pleasures of life, and sleep linked to Sabbath - I loved these ideas.

Also, she concludes her Acknowledgments section with my favorite sentence that I have ever seen and probably ever will see in an Acknowledgments section:  "And glory be to the Word, from whom any goodness in our little words flows, and by whom they will be redeemed."

This is a book I will return to again and again, and  I hope I have convinced at least a few of you to check it out.  It's that rare gem that is thoughtful and deep, but also very easy to read and applicable to real life.

America: Remembering the Good while Taking on the Bad

The week of Independence Day always makes me reflect on the state of things in America.  Like many, there are so many changes I would like to see.  Just to name a few:

• I would love to see changes in policy and law around guns, mental health, abortion, and immigration.  
• I would love to see more money go towards public education and public health insurance, enabling meaningful reforms. 
• I would love it if the population of our country was kinder and more empathetic, more thoughtful and less reactive, more solution-oriented rather than polarized.  I would love it if *I* was more of all the good things and less of all the bad things.
• I agree with the movements  #FamiliesBelongTogether and  #BlackLivesMatter and would like to see progress made on these fronts.

But.  I think it's also important to remember all the GOOD we have in America.  Again, just to name a few (and the disclaimer that I'm not saying there are zero problems in these areas):

• I can put up Facebook posts about all the things the government is getting wrong and not have someone show up at my door and arrest me.  I can call a Congressman directly and tell him I don't like how he voted on an issue, and he'll write me a letter thanking me for my opinion. 
• I can assemble with my fellow Christians at our house of worship or at a barbeque and no one tries to stop us.
• We have a safety net to help people meet survival needs.  
• Because many of us have our survival needs met, we are able to think about things besides just how to survive, like how to make our country better for all people.  
• The law enforcement agents and courts don't take bribes, and they don't work only for the rich.  Violent crimes are prosecuted.  
• We have free public education guaranteed for everyone, and we have many of the finest universities in the world.
• Libraries!!
• Our health care system can take on extremely complex problems and save many lives that couldn't be saved at any other time or place in history.  (But when the bill comes, I'll boot that up to the list of challenges above.)
• Our tech innovators are coming up with amazing solutions to make life better and to solve some of the world's most pressing problems.
• We have spectacular natural features, and parks that are dedicated to preserving this nature.
• We have time and public spaces for leisure activities.

I write both of these lists because I think it's so easy for all of us, myself included, to drift into thinking either that America is *all* bad or it's *all* good.  It's hard to hold simultaneous mental space for both the blessings and the challenges.  But I think both are really important - remembering the good keeps us grateful for what we have, and remembering the bad motivates us to be better. 

Happy birthday, America!  I'm grateful to live in this country, grateful that we have the freedoms to fight to make it better, and hope to see positive change as time marches on.  

Why I Participate in Awareness Days

Example awareness meme, also a plug for a great organization!

If you have been Facebook friends with me for awhile, you may have noticed that I frequently post about special needs awareness days, such as the picture in my profile right now (if you're reading this in the week I post it), or like this meme to the left.  I also post frequently about various things in the special needs world...pictures of our appointments, articles about IEPs, and so much more.  Why?

Part of it, as with all things social media, is for attention.  (I don't mean this accusatorily - I post stuff daily, so whatever finger might be pointing at you the reader with this statement, there are four big fat fingers pointing back at me.)  But sometimes I'd rather not have the attention for this particular thing.  It's always fun to post pictures and get likes from a day at Lake Tahoe, but it's not always fun to draw attention, yet again, to the special needs stuff.  Sometimes it sounds very appealing to fly under the radar with these kinds of things.  Here is why I post about awareness days and doctor's appointments and all the rest of it anyway:

• Education - It helps you know how to support me, and possibly also how to support those close to you who have a loved one with some kind of disability or special needs.  It gives you a picture of what we might be thinking about and how to talk to us.  I *welcome* conversations about the special needs world and I am not easily offended if you don't know the exact words to use :).
• Personal Sharing - When I post about appointments and milestones, it lets you celebrate or mourn with me.  If people want, they can pray for us.  It might give you some insight into why I'm looking extra happy or extra frazzled on a particular day.  There are things about this life that can feel very lonely, and it helps tremendously to be able to share it.  
• "Shine Bright" - when Josh was first born with lots of health difficulties (here's his story)(here's Kenny's excellent book about his story), and then again when he got his genetic diagnosis, it raised lots of questions about what his life was going to be like.  At both of those times, I wish I could've seen into the future how much good is in his life.  He's happy, he gets to do lots of fun and normal stuff, he's learning and growing, he gives and receives love - although there are struggles and extra appointments, it's a good life.  I hope this message reaches a few people who need to hear it - if you get a prenatal diagnosis of a genetic disorder, if your child receives a genetic diagnosis - there is so much beauty and goodness in this life.  (And if it would help you to talk to someone, I would love to be that person.  If you're not ready to talk but want prayers, I would also love to be that person.)  
• For decision makers - If you are on the school board, if you are a leader in your church, if you are a leader in your community or part of your local or state government - I hope you see stories like mine from time to time, and they convince you to put more emphasis on inclusion in schools, on creating a special needs program in your church, on funding a job training program for the developmentally disabled, or anything else that might come up in your area of influence.  
• For voters - As health care and disability issues come up in elections, I hope my Newsfeed gives you a story to connect with as you're thinking about how to vote.  
• For my tribe - If you are part of a special needs subculture, everyone lights it up on awareness days.  My Newsfeed is filled with "Shine Bright" profile pictures this week and it makes me smile to see the faces of fellow 4q kids.  It's like we're all sending our bat signal to each other.  

That's why I do all these special needs posts.  Other special needs parents, what would you add?

Summer Break Approaching

Another school year is drawing to a close!  We still have a few weeks to go, but summer break is right around the corner and I'm excited. I love how all activities go on break and life slows way down, I love the hot weather and long hours of sunshine, and I (mostly) love having all 3 kids home all day long.  My energy level is lower on school breaks, but my stress level is also a lot lower. 

The school year went well, for the most part.  I really like the kids' school and have been happy with their teachers and the school staff.  There are always going to be some challenges when your student has special needs, and we went through a number of challenges, but I was happy with the way the school handled things.  (I'm being very vague on purpose, but would be happy to talk to anyone offline in a lot more detail.  I have lots of opinions about IEPs and behavioral charts and mainstreaming and all things special ed, so if you're going through the process and want to chat, hit me up!)  Josh seems reasonably happy, considering school will probably never be his favorite thing, and we are seeing him learn and grow - those are the main things I want for any of my kids in an educational setting - so I'm happy. 

One thing that I think is worth mentioning is how VERY much a kind word can mean to the parents of a special education student.  The system is designed so that parents get tons of feedback on academic and behavioral performance.  If these are areas of struggle for your student, you're going to be getting lots of negative feedback all year long.  I do want to know how academics and behaviors are going, so that we can try to problem solve; I don't ask that every communication from the school ever reminds me of what a precious snowflake my child is;  I know teachers are busy and I don't want to add to their long list of tasks;  and I know that none of this is personal, and it's not meant as an indictment on my parenting or as a grade on my child's entire worth as a human being.

But when you're getting weekly feedback that is mainly focused on problems, it feels like an oasis in the desert when the teacher communicates that she loves having your child in her class, she finds the way he incorporates tornadoes into everything endearing, his smile is infectious - anything positive to balance the negative.  We did get positive feedback from teachers this year, and it really meant a lot.

(I'm trying to remember that this goes both ways, and that teachers and administrators hear a lot about problems, and are never thanked and encouraged enough - if you are a teacher or school staff person reading this, thank you for all you do!)

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I have two goals for the summer, and I would love input on either of these things:

1.  Read stories - I just read this great book called "The Read Aloud Family" by Sarah Mackenzie, and she strongly encourages reading chapter books aloud to your kids.  We do a lot of reading with the kids, but haven't delved much into the world of chapter books - what are your recommendations for the 5-7 year old set?

2.  Get outside a lot - I would love recommendations of family-friendly hikes in the Lake Tahoe area, and lakes with beach area that are within a 1 hour drive of northern Nevada. 

Enneagram questions

I've been learning about the Enneagram, and I have some questions for those of you who are also interested in the Enneagram.  For those who have never heard of it, the Enneagram is a personality assessment tool, kind of like Meyers Briggs.  Here is a link to the 9 personality types - you can get an idea of which personality type sounds the most like you by scanning the list.  Allegedly, all of us fall into one of these categories to describe our primary motivations and fears - you may recognize some of your traits in other types, but there is one type that is your true home base.

So here's my dilemma:  I thought for sure that I knew my type, but after listening to some podcasts about Enneagram types, now I'm waffling between two types and can see significant pieces of myself in a third type.  I'm wondering if any of the rest of you had trouble identifying your type (and how you resolved it), or if you decided that you are a split between two types (and if this, can the Enneagram still be useful to you?).

Here are the 3 types I identify with and some of the key ways in which I do and don't fit (it should be noted that these 3 types are linked on the diagram above, and this might have something to do with my confusion - these types might get easily confused).

Type 9 (The Peacemaker) -  The Easygoing, Self-Effacing Type: Receptive, Reassuring, Agreeable, and Complacent

Do fit:  This is the type I first thought I was, and this is definitely the way I have always conducted myself in friendships and relationships.  I prioritize smooth waters, and I try to avoid conflict (not just externally, but even acknowledging in my head that conflict exists).  I let the other person take the lead in big and small ways.  

Don't fit: -- Nines tend to procrastinate and not finish projects, and the "deadly sin" they gravitate towards is slothfulness - these are not really my main areas of weakness.  Also, while I act like a nine in interpersonal relationships with close adult relations, I don't act like a nine at all in other contexts.  There's probably not a ton of nines who went to law school, for example.  
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Type 6 (The Loyalist) -  The Committed, Security-Oriented Type: Engaging, Responsible, Anxious, and Suspicious

Do fit:  This is how I parent and how I operate within the workplace or a group I'm committed to (such as church, a volunteer organization, the family unit).  On the positive side, I am loyal, dependable, and involved once I'm part of the group.  On the negative side, I definitely operate too often out of fear.  Also, I will defer to the leader's opinion and doubt my own thoughts.  This type ping pongs back and forth between opinions, and Kenny will tell you how often I do the "on one hand, on the other hand" routine.  This is the type I think I probably fit best into now, but it's still not a perfect fit.

Don't fit:  This type imagines worst-case scenarios and plans accordingly.  I approach special needs parenting this way, but not much of the rest of my life this way.  (Although I can Debbie Downer / wet blanket / devil's advocate with the best of them, so maybe this is a version of that characteristic of Type 6.)  Also, this type is often emotionally reactive, and I usually keep my external emotions on a tight leash.  
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Type 3 (The Achiever) - The Success-Oriented, Pragmatic Type: Adaptive, Excelling, Driven, and Image-Conscious

Do fit:  In school, it was VERY important to me to get the best grades, achieve athletic success, win awards, go to a good school, and anything else that was an external mark of achievement.  I did and still do care too much about what other people think of me.  This was true to a lesser extent in the workforce too - I wanted to excel at my job, win cases, and be recognized for doing good work.  

Don't fit:  Right now, as a stay at home mom, I'm completely out of the world where you're gunning for top grades and promotions and awards, and I feel very content to leave those things behind.  I have very little ambition to get back into the working world quickly and no desire to climb achievement ladders.  I do still care what people think of me, but it no longer feels so core to my identity.   (However, if / when I do get back into a school or work situation, I think the Type 3 characteristics would pop back out really quickly.)
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In summary - I feel like the way I behave under the rubric of the Enneagram is very dependent on context, and I'm not sure there's one type that is a perfect match to me.  I feel okay with this (a Nine response) and I feel skeptical that all of the billions of people in the world fit perfectly into just nine personality types (a Six response).  But the Enneagram expects you to primarily fall into one type.

So for those of you who are fellow Enneagram enthusiasts, here are my questions:

• What's your type?
• Do you feel pretty confident that you fit squarely within that type and not in any of the others?
• If yes, has that been true for you at all stages of your life and in all contexts?
• If you don't feel like you fit just one personality type, how do you use the Enneagram to help you?