 |
| Ivy on her birth day |
This is my blog post about adding a third kid. I heard from many people that the transition from 2 to 3 kids is when things really get crazy in a household. The Internet supports this idea. (See, for example:
here,
here, and
here.) I wondered whether it might be different for us, for the reasons listed below. We are 4 weeks into being a family of 5, and I'm happy to report that so far, adding baby #3 has been the easiest transition. Here are some of the X Factors that have made this transition the easiest of the three (and why #3 might be okay for you, too):
- Baby's personality - This was the big challenge with bringing home Baby #2. Zoey was a baby who demanded to be held at all times. Ivy (*so far - i'm nervous to even write this*) is the mythical "easy baby" - she eats a couple times each night, but mostly sleeps when she's not eating between the hours of 10pm - 7am. She doesn't mind being set down sometimes, and she hardly ever cries without reason. This gives me breathing room to get my other tasks done, and makes it more enjoyable when I do get to cuddle her, as it's a choice rather than a round-the-clock demand.
- Age spacing - I wrote this blog post a few years ago about the pros and cons of having kids close in age. (Josh and Zoey are 21 months apart, and developmentally even closer.) When we brought Zoey home, Josh was young enough that he needed help with pretty much everything, as most 1-year-olds do. It felt like there was always someone crying and urgently needing my help. Now, with the older kids at ages 4 and 6, they can do many more things independently - particularly, keep themselves entertained (at least, if they are forced to do so) - and this is a game changer.
- Special needs - I buried the lede because this factor won't apply to many of you, and for those of you who it does apply, you already know it well - but this is by far, by far the biggest one for us. When Josh was born, his medical needs and the physical and emotional challenges that went along with that were beyond my wildest expectations of difficulty. When Zoey was born, Josh still had very significant extra needs (like being bolus tube fed 8 times per day on top of attempting oral feeds, like attending 25 doctor and therapy appts in Zoey's first 3 months of life, etc.). Now, as we bring Ivy home, Josh's extra needs are much more manageable - many of the therapies are handled at school, the doc appts and hospital time have slowed WAY down, and this whole aspect of our life is still there but much less demanding.
- Support from others - For both of our Reno babies, we have had tons of support - all of Kenny's family is here, and we have a strong network of friends and church people who help us out. This includes regular babysitting each week - also a game changer. For baby #2, born in Virginia Beach, we didn't have any babysitting support, and this was really hard. We did have church friends who helped us with meals, prayers and emotional support, etc., but it was just harder to get babysitting from anyone when Josh was still medically fragile and we didn't have any family in town.
- Experience - I have a naturally anxious and controlling personality, and with newborn babies, things can feel pretty out of control. You have less control over when / whether you sleep, whether the day will be easy or crazy, pretty much everything. But it helps tremendously to KNOW things are going to be this way, and that it gets better - and to know it from experience, not just from other people telling you and you secretly wondering if your baby will be the exception that never ever learns to sleep through the night, stop crying without consolation, etc.
- Busy-ness - Never thought I would list this as a helpful thing, but it actually is. If I have time, I waste SO many hours worrying about things - how to get Josh to eat more, should Zoey start kindergarten at age 5 or 6, how can i get Ivy to sleep more hours in a row at night, etc. - but with 3 kids, there's just not time to get too obsessive about any one thing - you have to prioritize and limit your worrying.
So for those of you who are currently expecting #3, or who are contemplating adding a third, I'm here to tell you that it's not always the case that this one is the most difficult! (I'll update again in a year, as it might just be way too soon to see the challenges of 3 kids.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That's not to say that there aren't some big challenges in this adjustment! Here are the biggest 3 right now:
1.
The newborn needs and the corresponding exhaustion parents feel can be all consuming - this is just true with every new baby, no matter how many times you do it. It's a challenge to care for a newborn even when that's literally the only thing you've got going on - add in siblings or a job or any other duties, and it's pushing you to the breaking point. (However -- that experience thing I mentioned above - hugely helpful in maintaining perspective by the time you get to #3.) Things are pretty crazy in those first few intense, sleep deprived months. My "crazy" milestone with Ivy was backing into the garage door while it was still halfway down, getting the door fixed, and then having *another* garage door fiasco one week later.
2.
The kids are in 3 different stages and it can be a challenge to match them up -
-
Josh is in the school-aged child stage: Rush rush rush in the morning, big break from the child during the day, then condensing a bunch of things into the evening (dinner and bath, sometimes homework and other activities, squeeze in some downtime, get to bed).
-
Zoey is in the preschooler-at-home stage: It's the opposite of rush rush rush - you try to make activities during those long school hours stretch out as far as possible, especially activities that the kid can do somewhat on their own. Matching these two rhythms works pretty well. The ways that they are different complement nicely. But then you add in:
-
Ivy is in the newborn stage:
It's no problem to pick up Josh from school on time, or to build in time during the day to do a craft project with Zoey - until you're balancing these tasks with caring for a baby who sometimes needs to eat, or be walked around, or have a diaper blow-out, right at the same time you were planning to do those other things. (It's more challenging but also more fun - I can have conversations with the older kids that babies can't have; I can enjoy cuddles with my newborn that the older kids are mostly not interested in anymore; etc.)
 |
First Halloween!
|
3.
Outings with all the kids - Loading and unloading 3 kids who are still in car seats; bringing everything that each kid needs; finding a time that works really well for all of them - the challenges are myriad. So there is a lot more getting help, taking kids out on a rotating basis, and just avoiding unnecessary trips out of the house. I'm hoping this part gets a little more manageable as the kids get older.
Friends who have multiple kids: which was the easiest transition for you? Which was the hardest? Why?
