May is my wedding anniversary month, so I've been reflecting on some of the things that make a marriage work well. When you watch a romantic comedy, you get the impression that the necessary and sufficient things you need to make a relationship work are two attractive people, witty banter, and the unshakeable conviction that this person is your soulmate. I think there are many qualities that we fail to appreciate and compliment because 1) they are less exciting than the aforementioned qualities, 2) you expect these things from your partner, but at the same time, 3) it is impossible for any human being to embody them perfectly. So in these categories, it's easy to take the good things they're doing for granted. (This is probably true in all types of close relationships, but I think it's especially true in marriage.) Kenny is doing things every day to make our marriage and our family work well, and I am terrible about thanking him for it. So as Kenny and I approach our 9 year wedding anniversary (and 10 years of being a couple!), I want to write a blog post and, as Fatboy Slim puts it, "I want to praise you like i should". Here are some of Kenny's exceptional qualities:
Good father, especially good special needs father. Kenny is very actively involved with both of our kids. He notices the things that make each of them happy, he acts as their jungle gym, he makes them laugh - he brings so much joy and love to their lives, and he lightens the load for me. This is an extra big blessing when it comes to special needs parenting. As you get involved in special needs communities, you learn that many dads cannot handle the extra stresses that come with the special needs life and either physically leave the family or emotionally check out. Kenny has always been a full partner to me in Joshua's needs. At the beginning, this meant researching the best surgery options, staying up all night to give G-tube feeds, and spending nights in the hospital. Now, it means staying on top of what's going on with doctors and IEPs and therapy goals, and helping out on those things however he can. This is hugely helpful to Joshua, but it's also very helpful to me to know that I'm not alone going through scary and difficult parenting experiences. I'm using self control to keep this section brief, but here's a great blog post that describes the importance of an involved special needs dad (although our details are different): The Dad Behind the Diagnosis
Good Provider. I'm so grateful that Kenny shoulders the burden of being the primary income earner in our family. It has given me the freedom to pursue non-profit jobs in my legal career and to stay home with the kids for awhile. I'm also grateful that he's taken the lead in our financial planning. It's really helpful in a marriage if there is one person who keeps track: making sure the bills get paid, being thoughtful about other priorities (such as saving and giving), and planning for the family's financial future. We do divide up the tasks and discuss big financial decisions - but it's so helpful to have Kenny keep a continual watch and make plans for the future. [Caveat: of course it doesn't have to be the man taking on either the planning or earning - none of these bullet points is meant to be a "this-is-exactly-how-it-should-work-for-everyone-amen" statement, but rather a "this-is-how-it-works-for-us-and-thank-you-kenny-for-handling-it-like-a-boss".]
Reliable. In every way - I never need to worry that he won't show up, won't call if plans change, won't be truthful to me. This is HUGELY helpful and HUGELY important to me, and Kenny is excellent about being a faithful and reliable partner.
Spiritual leader. Kind of like the finances, this is partly about keeping track of things: what we value as a family, and how our life (both day-to-day and long term) is working towards or against those values. Kenny does a great job of keeping these things in mind. Kenny has also put many things in place to encourage growth in his personal faith, which in turn encourages my faith.
Always working on self improvement. I won't say much about this, except that it's great because it means I don't have to nag.
Gets stuff done. Kenny is great at handling daunting projects. A good example of this: when we arrived home from our 2 month road trip last summer, we were all exhausted from 6 days on the road and ready to just relax in our own space. We walked in the front door to find that one of our pipes had sprung a leak weeks before and caused significant water damage all over the first floor. So while I was in "woe is me" mode, Kenny immediately got to work - he spent the next 10 hours cleaning what could be cleaned (working until 3 am!) and contacting professionals to fix the rest of it. I am so grateful that he immediately digs in and starts solving problems rather than moping around.
BONUS:
Handsome, funny, and smart - I was originally going to do a post saying that these characteristics ("handsome, funny, smart") are the kinds of things that initially draw you to a person but ultimately don't matter as much as the above qualities. But that's not true. I enjoy it every day that Kenny is so good looking, and so entertaining to be around, and I love (but also hate) that he's smarter than me. There is a lot more to a great spouse than just handsome, funny, and smart -- but the qualities that initially attract you to your spouse, remain awesome a decade later.
For any of you who have made it through this whole post, thank you for indulging me and I would love to hear your spouse shout outs!
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