I was listening to the Natalie Merchant song "Trouble Me" the other day (I linked the video above) and thinking about what a great instruction manual this song is for deepening friendship. Here are the lyrics, then some thoughts on them, below --
Trouble, disturb me with all your cares and your worries
(Trouble me) on the days when you feel spent
Why let your shoulders bendUnderneath this burdenWhen my back is sturdy and strong?Trouble me
don't mislead meThe calm I feel means a storm is swelling(Speak to me) there's no telling where it starts or how it ends(Speak to me) why are you building this thick brick wall to defend me(Speak to me) when your silence is my greatest fear?
Why let your shoulders bendUnderneath this burdenWhen my back is sturdy and strong?Speak to me
have a look inside these eyes while I'm learning(Let me) please don't hide them just because of tears(Let me) send you off to sleep with a"There, there, now stop your turning and tossing"(Let me) let me know where the hurt is and how to heal
SpareSpare meDon't spare me anythingTroubling
disturb me with all your cares and your worries(Speak to me) and let our words build a shelter from the storm(Let me) and lastly, let me know what I can mend
There's more, honestlyThan my sweet friend, you can seeTrust is what I'm offeringIf you trouble me
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I think this is great going both directions. These are areas I'm trying to grow in, so I write the following thoughts as a student who's trying to be better:
Be the friend who is available to be troubled -
- Making Time - this is maybe the hardest thing in our busy culture - having the time margin, or being willing to carve out the time margin, for friends. Both making time for regular get togethers / phone calls / texts so that relationship is there when you need it, and making time right away when the proverbial poo hits the fan. When a friend who you know is extraordinarily busy makes time for you, that alone can feel like a giant hug received.
- Distraction v. Presence - This is related to the one above, but is a little different, and might apply more to the people you see every single day - carving out the attention and mental space to really be present with the person, even as there is the work thing to attend to and the Facebook notification that just popped up and whatever else might be pulling on your attention even as you're physically present. It's hard to have a real heart to heart when someone's got half an eye on their phone.
- Support Without Advising - Sometimes when people are pouring out their hearts, idea bubbles start popping up about action steps that could make the situation better. And even if those are 100% right (which they may or may not be, as we rarely know all the dynamics of the situation if we are not the person in it), unless the person has specifically asked for advice, they are probably not looking for ideas on solutions as they are sharing their heart.
- Relentless Positivity - I am all for gratitude and counting your blessings - a good chunk of my blog space goes towards this - but when someone is pouring out their grief, their deep sadness or fear or hurt - that's not the time to steer the conversation towards what's going well, or what can be learned through this, or how God is working, or anything else that attempts to wrap the situation up in a happy, presentable package. Sometimes things are just hard, there is no positivity in that moment, and the gift is to acknowledge that.
Be the friend who is willing to trouble -
- Wisdom in sharing - I think all of us have a tendency towards either oversharing or undersharing. Mine is under, so I'll go into that in the next couple bullet points. But I think it's wise to spend some time building a friendship and growing trust with a person before you spill all your last guts out. There's also wisdom in seeing that some friends will be particularly well suited to hear particular areas of struggle. I tend to talk the most about the challenges of special needs parenting with friends who also have children with special needs, for example. Not because other friends aren't trustworthy and supportive, but because they haven't walked this particular road.
- Vulnerability - It takes courage to share the places where you struggle or you have messed up or you don't know how you're going to move forward. It takes bravery to show someone your fears and hurts and sorrow. If you can summon the courage and do it anyway, then you can potentially receive two beautiful gifts: 1) You can get support and love from the person you share with, and this can bring tremendous help, to know you're no longer alone in it, even as the thing still hurts so badly; and 2) You can deepen the bonds of that friendship by showing more of who you really are, warts and all. I am truly terrible at being the friend who is willing to trouble. I am fiercely independent, unquestionably to a fault, and hate to open up about the hard parts of my life. But there have been times when I just couldn't go it alone, and what a blessing to let the defensive wall crack and let light shine in through a friend.
- Instagram culture - I think one of the things that can help us with the courage needed for the vulnerability point above is to remember that Internet culture isn't real. Everyone has imperfections and hurts, we mostly just don't broadcast these to the world. And we can be a huge help to our friends who are feeling like they are the only one who don't have their lives together by sharing the areas where WE don't have it all together.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk :). If you have more thoughts on any of this, please share!
