Recently I had an interaction with a friend where she shared a new idea that she was thinking about. It was an idea that I didn't fully understand, hadn't done the work to really learn about, but immediately had some problems with. My friend told me that this idea had really impacted her. And instead of taking that intermediate step to ask her more about why it meant so much to her, or taking some time to learn more about it, I immediately began spewing out my critiques. (I know at this point I've probably generated some interest in what the idea is - anti-spoiler alert - I'm not going to get into it, as it will distract from the larger point of this post. But if we see each other in real life, feel free to ask, it's not a state secret :).
My friend handled the situation super well. She didn't fire back at me with a verbal grenade, nor did she sweep it under the rug - she told me, kindly and gently, that the way I just started attacking without first hearing her heart and having some discussion about it, did not create a welcome space to discuss ideas. I apologized and we ended on good terms, but the whole interaction has me thinking about whether I do this way more than I realize, both in real life and on the Internet.
What causes this problem, this failure to listen first and to carefully and respectfully consider the other person's idea without immediately planning my rebuttal if it's something I disagree with? I think part of it is the influence of society - our dramatically polarized, everything-is-black-and-white-and-there-are-no-shades-of-grey cultural moment that pounds us with this style of interaction on all forms of media. But for me, the bigger thing is pride - thinking that I know the right answer, and therefore it doesn't matter what the other person says because there is no chance that it will change my mind. And lack of empathy, because even if it's true that I'm right and I won't and shouldn't change my mind, it's going to actively harm my relationship with other people if I can't find the humility to at least listen to where they're coming from.
So here are some of the grids I'm trying to run responses to ideas through, towards the goal of better engaging with people:
1. Ask questions about time / place / manner, such as: "Do criticisms need to be made at all? If yes, is this the right time to do it? Could the tone of a text or email be misinterpreted and maybe this should be a phone call? Could a Facebook comment about this turn into a public argument with people I don't even know, and would this discussion be better by private message?"
2. Before I launch into criticism, have I really listened to and considered what the other person is saying? Am I taking their heart into consideration in my response, even if we continue to disagree on certain things?
3. If I see that I have failed at being a good listener, or that I am the one in the wrong in the content of my ideas, can I have the humility to admit my mistake, apologize, and keep engaging, rather than getting defensive or just peacing out of the conversation?
In conclusion - I want to do better on this. When you see me failing to listen first, to show love before criticism, please call me out. And please share additional ideas in the comments!
