Thoughts on Marriage, 11 Years In

Celebrating our first anniversary!

Kenny and I are celebrating 11 years of marriage this week!  I don't blog (or even Facebook) about marriage that much because, although I have a great partner, it's the area of my life more than any other that I am still figuring out and that I feel least worthy of giving advice and reflections.  But, eleven years into matrimony, and smack in the middle of the time of life where both career and family life are extremely busy, these are the tips that feel most helpful (some given from others, some learned the hard way, some still very much being learned):

• Effort is huge - None of us can be perfect for our partners, and none of us should expect perfection from our partners - but it means so much when you can see that they are trying.  Trying to work on weaknesses, trying to think about what your partner wants when it's always easier to think first about what you want, etc.  I think it also makes you feel more invested in the marriage when you are choosing to make an effort.  

• Communication is huge - If this was an easy one to summarize (or to execute), then there would be very little need for marriage counselors, marriage books, etc.  And I am especially still a work in progress in this area.  But here's a small piece of the communication puzzle that's helpful to me:  don't let things like worries and annoyances build into a huge mountain in your head without talking about them.  Some things are easier to solve than others, but your partner doesn't even get the chance to offer his or her perspective, or try to change, or offer reassurance - unless the thing gets communicated in the first place.  I like to keep smooth waters above all else, so this is hard for me, but it's so important.  

• Don't compare; figure out what works for you - Have you ever had the experience where you were happy with some area of your life (it could be anything - your career, your vacation plans, your hairstyle of the day), and then you get on Facebook and see someone who's (allegedly) killing it in that area and suddenly you feel envious?  Or they are doing things differently, and it makes you feel inadequate?  If you are happy with how things are going in your relationship, don't worry about what's going on with other people.  ESPECIALLY don't worry about it as portrayed in the glossy perfection of social media.  

• Small things add up - In this stage of babies and career building and life is busy, the small things really matter - things like saying thank you, offering even short breaks from the kids (thank you Kenny!!), sending a quick text or email to show you're thinking of the other person - it's great to do them, and it's great to appreciate when the other person does them.  And this is hard, but it's good to try to remember that if a person does something every single time (like make the coffee, or pay the water bill) - that's reason to be all the more grateful, not to take it for granted.

• Manage expectations.  Are you exhausted?  So is your partner.  Cut each other some slack.  Many nights are going to look like crashing together in front of the TV rather than deep, hours long conversations.  

• But don't forget each other altogether.  Do remember that your couplehood existed before kids, and the hope is that it will continue to exist after the kids grow up, so it is vital to keep feeding into it as much as you possibly can.  Regular dates are super helpful - I know this advice is grating when you would love nothing more than a night out on the town sans kids, but it's not possible to actually get out of the house due to budget constraints and lack of babysitting / respite - as long as you're finding regular time to connect without the kids in your face, it doesn't have to look like dinner and a movie.  But if there are things you can do to facilitate the possibility of more dates (such as babysitting swap, move closer to family, restructure budget, etc.), I think they are a worthwhile investment in keeping the marriage strong.   

• Take opportunities to celebrate.  If you are married with kids, life can feel like a non-stop barrage of occasions that have to be celebrated, between birthdays and anniversary and the various holidays.  Appreciate them for the blessings they are.  It doesn't have to look like a bunch of money spent for diamond jewelry and a 5 course meal, but find ways to make the occasions special.  When I think back to my childhood, so many of my best memories are from things like birthdays, holidays, and vacations - it's harder when you're the adult, because you're the one in charge of making it special - but these milestone markers continue to be the days that generate the best memories.  

I would love to hear others weigh in on the best marriage advice you have received.  Especially from those who have been married for decades - what wisdom can you impart?  

Kindergarten: A Year in Review and A Year in Preview

Josh:  First Year of Mainstream!

Josh is about to finish his first year of kindergarten!  I'm so proud of him for making it through the year.  Although this is his fourth year in public school (after 3 years of special education preschool), this first year of a mainstream classroom setting definitely ramped up the intensity of the school experience.  Here's how it went:

The good:  In most ways, he really rose to the challenge.  He can now sight read several dozen words, his drawing skills are getting very good, and he comes home with all sorts of interesting facts about animals and storms and whatever else his class is studying.  His speech and social skills are improving and he made some friends (although kindergarten friendships seem to change from week to week, and that was sometimes a challenge - but I think that's a challenge for all kids).  (Also, on the topic of friendship -- there is one boy in the class who regularly makes extra efforts to include those who might need an invitation, and that is a really helpful thing.  I mention this because 1) it is an answer to prayer, and 2) THANK YOU to those of you who raise your kids to be includers.)  He is (mostly) following directions and meeting the behavioral expectations of the classroom.  When I think back to the hard parts of his early childhood - particularly the month when we got his genetic diagnosis and read the report of some of the severe limitations he might face - it thrills me to see where he's at now.  What a remarkable blessing.

The difficult:  J is having to work hard to keep up with his peers.  Everything that is expected in school - holding a pencil with a correct grip, looking people in the eye, transitioning quickly and smoothly from one thing to the next, and everything else - is more of a challenge for him.  There have been many mornings where it's been extremely hard to get him out the door because it's so much easier for him to stay home, where he can do what he wants to do and where we have things set up in a way that's more comfortable for him - and these difficult morning transitions are hard on all of us.  It's made me wonder, at times: should we homeschool?  Do we need to get more accommodations or services in place, or a different classroom setting?  We've decided to keep him where he is for now, because we're seeing so much good progress and because he always seems to be happy at the end of the day (and anytime we pick him up in the middle as well) so it really might just be a transition thing.

[Note:  This highlights a struggle that all special needs parents have -- how to balance your child's comfort and happiness with helping them grow and progress, in light of their disability.  This affects so many things -- how you set up school, how you set up the home routine, how many therapies you attend and home exercises you do, whether and how you do discipline, and how much you design the rest of the family's life around all these decisions.  There's no right answer, and every family has to do what works best for them and their child, but there's the constant wondering of whether you should be doing more or less, and how that would affect your child, and guilt either way (for pushing too hard or for not pushing hard enough).]

Overall, I would call the kindergarten year a success.  I'm so, so proud of Joshua for pushing through on those hard morning transitions and for learning and growing so much.  And I'm more than a little relieved that we have a solid 2 months of down time coming up for all of us to catch a breath :).

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Zoey:  To Redshirt or Not?

Since Zoey turns 5 this August, we are planning to start her in kindergarten this coming fall.  I blogged last year about how it was hard to prepare to send Josh to kindergarten.  With Zoey, I'm having the struggle to let go for much more typical reasons:  how did she get to be school aged so fast?  Is she ready for all day school?  Am I ready for her to be in all day school?

Among the group of us who have kids with summer birthdays and the privileged circumstances to be able to choose whether to send them to kindergarten as a young 5 year old or a young 6 year old, many opt to wait the extra year.  Some research supports redshirting.  Some research shows that it might be beneficial to be one of the young ones.  And yet more research shows that there is no effect beyond 3rd grade, either positive or negative, of waiting until age 6 to start kids in school, with the exception of varsity football.  (I also want to mention that two of my best friends have August birthdays and their parents both started them on the young side, and they both had extremely successful academic performances and have gone on to stellar careers.)

What all this tells me is that you should follow your gut as to what's best for your child, and you probably won't go wrong.  We are leaning towards starting Zoey because she is eager to go to school, she loves to learn and do projects, she is able to sit still and follow directions, and she's academically ready.  She prefers being around older peers rather than younger peers, and she rises to academic challenges.  I'm hesitant because she's shy and her speech is sometimes difficult to understand, but I think her shyness is a function of personality rather than development, and being in school is the best way to work on social skills.  She already receives speech therapy to work on articulation, and will likely qualify for more minutes per week once she is enrolled in school.

I'm nervous about sending my sweet girl off to school, but it helps a LOT that I know exactly what kindergarten consists of, and what her teacher and classroom and school are like (since Josh just went through the very same program).

As always, I'm interested to hear people's thoughts about any of this long, rambling post!