Trouble Me

I was listening to the Natalie Merchant song "Trouble Me" the other day (I linked the video above) and thinking about what a great instruction manual this song is for deepening friendship.  Here are the lyrics, then some thoughts on them, below --

Trouble, disturb me with all your cares and your worries

(Trouble me) on the days when you feel spent

Why let your shoulders bend
Underneath this burden
When my back is sturdy and strong?
Trouble me

don't mislead me
The calm I feel means a storm is swelling
(Speak to me) there's no telling where it starts or how it ends
(Speak to me) why are you building this thick brick wall to defend me
(Speak to me) when your silence is my greatest fear?

Why let your shoulders bend
Underneath this burden
When my back is sturdy and strong?
Speak to me

have a look inside these eyes while I'm learning
(Let me) please don't hide them just because of tears
(Let me) send you off to sleep with a
"There, there, now stop your turning and tossing"
(Let me) let me know where the hurt is and how to heal

Spare
Spare me
Don't spare me anything
Troubling

disturb me with all your cares and your worries
(Speak to me) and let our words build a shelter from the storm
(Let me) and lastly, let me know what I can mend

There's more, honestly
Than my sweet friend, you can see
Trust is what I'm offering
If you trouble me

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I think this is great going both directions.  These are areas I'm trying to grow in, so I write the following thoughts as a student who's trying to be better:

Be the friend who is available to be troubled - 

• Making Time - this is maybe the hardest thing in our busy culture - having the time margin, or being willing to carve out the time margin, for friends.  Both making time for regular get togethers / phone calls / texts so that relationship is there when you need it, and making time right away when the proverbial poo hits the fan.  When a friend who you know is extraordinarily busy makes time for you, that alone can feel like a giant hug received.
• Distraction v. Presence - This is related to the one above, but is a little different, and might apply more to the people you see every single day - carving out the attention and mental space to really be present with the person, even as there is the work thing to attend to and the Facebook notification that just popped up and whatever else might be pulling on your attention even as you're physically present.  It's hard to have a real heart to heart when someone's got half an eye on their phone.
• Support Without Advising - Sometimes when people are pouring out their hearts, idea bubbles start popping up about action steps that could make the situation better.  And even if those are 100% right (which they may or may not be, as we rarely know all the dynamics of the situation if we are not the person in it), unless the person has specifically asked for advice, they are probably not looking for ideas on solutions as they are sharing their heart.
• Relentless Positivity -  I am all for gratitude and counting your blessings - a good chunk of my blog space goes towards this - but when someone is pouring out their grief, their deep sadness or fear or hurt - that's not the time to steer the conversation towards what's going well, or what can be learned through this, or how God is working, or anything else that attempts to wrap the situation up in a happy, presentable package.  Sometimes things are just hard, there is no positivity in that moment, and the gift is to acknowledge that.

Be the friend who is willing to trouble - 

• Wisdom in sharing - I think all of us have a tendency towards either oversharing or undersharing.  Mine is under, so I'll go into that in the next couple bullet points.  But I think it's wise to spend some time building a friendship and growing trust with a person before you spill all your last guts out.  There's also wisdom in seeing that some friends will be particularly well suited to hear particular areas of struggle.  I tend to talk the most about the challenges of special needs parenting with friends who also have children with special needs, for example.  Not because other friends aren't trustworthy and supportive, but because they haven't walked this particular road.
• Vulnerability - It takes courage to share the places where you struggle or you have messed up or you don't know how you're going to move forward.  It takes bravery to show someone your fears and hurts and sorrow.  If you can summon the courage and do it anyway, then you can potentially receive two beautiful gifts: 1) You can get support and love from the person you share with, and this can bring tremendous help, to know you're no longer alone in it, even as the thing still hurts so badly; and 2) You can deepen the bonds of that friendship by showing more of who you really are, warts and all. I am truly terrible at being the friend who is willing to trouble.  I am fiercely independent, unquestionably to a fault, and hate to open up about the hard parts of my life.  But there have been times when I just couldn't go it alone, and what a blessing to let the defensive wall crack and let light shine in through a friend.
• Instagram culture - I think one of the things that can help us with the courage needed for the vulnerability point above is to remember that Internet culture isn't real.  Everyone has imperfections and hurts, we mostly just don't broadcast these to the world. And we can be a huge help to our friends who are feeling like they are the only one who don't have their lives together by sharing the areas where WE don't have it all together.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk :).  If you have more thoughts on any of this, please share!

Day 30: Something You Find Magical About the Universe

I don't even know where to start with this final prompt.  There are so many things that I find magical about the universe!  This quote, from "The Magician's Nephew" by C.S. Lewis, captures a few of them:  the brilliance of stars at night; the transcendence of music; the poetry of words that captures these phenomena; and the wonder of God working through these things.  I find all these things magical and I'm so grateful for all of them.

Thanks to those of you who have followed along on my annual gratitude challenge.  I would love to hear if anyone participated along and had any highlights from your own list.

Day 29: A Public Figure

The public figure I'm grateful for is Sydney McLaughlin.  Sydney McLaughlin is the world record holder and most recent gold medal winner in the 400m hurdles.  She put on (arguably) the best performance in all of the Olympics in (arguably) the hardest of track and field events.  I admire her incredible athleticism, her excellence in form, and the discipline it takes to stay in top shape for this race and keep getting better and better.

But what I admire even more than her running ability is the way she carries herself.  She is utterly dominant and blows the rest of the field away, but she doesn't go around showboating.  She isn't falsely humble, and she's clearly focused when running and happy when she achieves her goal, but her whole identity isn't wrapped up in how she performs as a track and field athlete.  Her identity is rooted in her faith, which she shares consistently.

I'm grateful to have this athlete to look up to, and Sydney I'm rooting for you to break 50!!

Day 28: Something You Like About Your Job

 

The things I like the most about my job by far is meeting with the kids and the meaning I feel when I get to act on their behalf.

But today I'm going to write about another thing I love about being a lawyer, and that's how you get to use words with extreme care.  In real life, if you correct someone for being a little loose or sloppy with the way they're using words, it's considered annoying and overbearing.  But as a lawyer, they PAY you to use words in a way that is precise and convincing, and to go after the other side if they fail to do the same.  That is super fun to me, and I'm grateful for this part of my job.

Day 27: Little Things You're Grateful for About Your Significant Other

 This is not a little thing, but I'm grateful for how deeply Kenny loves his friends and family.  I'm seeing it right now in the context of loss, but I see it every day, particularly in how he orders his time.  If a relationship matters to him, he makes time for it.  If someone he loves is struggling, he is there for them.  If someone he loves is celebrating, he is also there for them.  His loyalty to family and friends runs deep, and I'm very grateful for this.

Day 26: What Service Are You Grateful For?

 I'm grateful for the service of mail delivery.  I'm grateful how, for a very affordable rate, you can send things to anywhere in the country and most places in the world.  

I'm grateful for the memory of air mail letters in elementary school, when we would write to someone overseas, and then when they wrote back.

I'm thankful for the care packages my grandma sent in college, filled with Scotcharoos or puppy chow or other classic Midwestern treats. 

I'm grateful for the thrill that comes when you find, amidst the sea of political ads and bills, a handwritten letter.  I'm thankful for birthday cards and Christmas cards.

I'm grateful that these days, you can get almost anything you need through the mail - groceries, prescriptions, the entire universe of things that Amazon offers.

And I'm thankful to you, mailmen and mailwomen, for making this all happen.

Day 25: Who Do You consider family

I am grateful that I consider my fellow church members to be family.  We attend Dayspring Church, which is a church of about 100 people that meets in South Reno.  Because it's small, people really get to know each other.  Many of my kids' best friends are kids they know from church.  When someone goes through a hard time, we pray for each other, visit each other, send each other cards, and bring each other meals.  When someone goes through a happy time, we celebrate together.  I love the smaller church size and I'm grateful for the common faith that knits us together.